Stay with mum or move back in with dad?

RonnieRoach · ‎26-05-2019

Hi

um so I have a choice to stay with my ma or move in with my dad. I live with my mum atm but we fight constantly, backstory- when my parents divorced I sided with ma. It was very messy it was a long time coming my father had emotional and psychological abused her he’s very controlling and it all crumbled down after he hurt her, and threatened her whilst they were in an argument. Other terriable things have happened since we moved away so much so I don’t feel safe being happy. When ma and I moved away she promised a better life but ever since I’ve been house bound she’s called me parasitic and a leech, we fight constantly over the house not being clean enough and that I don’t do enough for her, I feel like she expects me to read her mind. I’m really forgetful psychologist have said it’s cuz of trauma and depression, I might also be on the septum. It can all be perfect one day and the next a screaming match cuz the floor isn’t clean enough. I’ve tried talking to her, asked for a list (cuz I know if I did it myself I’d still get in trouble) and I still get yelled at. She breaks things when she’s mad, threatened to take away my one coping mechanism and knows I’m frightened by loud noises. It feels nothing I do is enough unless I give up all my hobbies and become a maid We’ve really had enough of each other it’s really affecting my mental health, she’s even told me to leave move out, go back to my dad and I’m starting to think it would be a good idea. Dad and I fought not nearly as often and he was clear on what was expected of me yes his controlling behaviour is too much but I didn’t feel like I was walking on eggshells like I do now. I’m just really scared he’ll hate me now or try to turn me against ma, he also doesn’t accept I’m gay. Last time I was living with him my mental health was also pretty bad(I won’t go into details I don’t wanna trigger folks). I hate this so much i don’t know what to do, I just wanted to be happy for once

White_Rose · ‎26-05-2019

Hello Ronnie

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation and that neither option sounds very good for you. Not knowing much about you makes it hard to comment. Can you tell me how old you are or at least if you are still at school? If you are at school do you have any counsellors or chaplains there? That would be a good place to talk about your needs. Can you talk to a teacher?

I gather you did not fight with your mom while the family lived together and these arguments have only started since mom and dad separated. It sounds as though mom is very angry with life in general and maybe dad in particular but can only vent her frustration at you. What do you think?

May I ask if you have much contact with dad these days. I am sorry to be asking so many questions but I feel there is more to this difficulty than appears on the surface. I think you need a safe place to live and this is the priority. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to your GP who presumably knows your mom and possibly your dad. What about other family members? Can you live with an aunt or uncle or perhaps a grandparent?

You have spoken about your mental health and how much it is being affected by these arguments. Does this mean you see a counsellor or psychologist? If not then would this be possible. I think you need to talk to someone who has a good knowledge of you and your circumstances.

I am concerned about your well being no matter which parent you live with and I urge you to speak to someone near you. Doctor, counsellor etc. It is important that you do this soon.

Please continue to write in here and let us know how you are going.

Mary

RonnieRoach · ‎01-06-2019

Hi Mary

Im feeling better rn ma and I have made up for now she’s taken back what’s she’s said about me moving. Im 22 and will be starting school/tafe in the 2nd semester, I won’t have access to school counselers or teachers till then.

We did fight a bit back then but never as bad as we do now, mum and dad fought a lot too back then. I definitely think it’s a frustration thing atm tho money’s tight and I have a lotta mental issues which stop me from being as independent as I should be.

No contact with Dad since the divorce, he’s a pretty nasty manipulator and narcissistic I have no doubt he’d try to turn me against ma. There’s a lot that happened during the divorce that I really don’t want to talk about it all at once, not enough characters plus it’s really stressful. I don’t blame mum for being angry about it, she’s also got mental health issues too but I don’t wanna be the metaphorical punching bag.

ive seen several councillors but I usually either get told to go to a different one or I have to wait weeks to months for appointments tbh I’ve kinda given up.

The only other family member I have is my uncle and he lives with us, nana and pop travel too much and dads side of the family sides with him and would tell him if I’m there.

Tbh I don’t want to leave but I’m grateful your concerned, tbh I kinda used this as a way to vent its just so hard to get to doctors and counsellor. I was 17 when i was dignosed with depression and anxiety and I’ve struggled on and off with it since then, I’m usually pretty good with managing it with or without meds but these arguments just put me in a really dark place, I need that support to keep me going and alive. That’s been my one thing I don’t want to hurt my family but when we argue my brain tells me I’m hurting them more being here and that if I “left” they’d be be better.

Fortunately Im a scaredy-cat and know this is just the depression talking so I wait and things do fizzle down, it’s just scary. Sorry for the long post

geoff · ‎01-06-2019

Hello RonnieRoach, I'm sorry for what you have been through as it doesn't seem to be the best situation you are in, but can I offer a few suggestions for you to think about.

Up where I live there is a government housing service that offers accommodation for those in need of housing the link is 'https://housing.vic.gov.au/public-housing', another option is if you can book an appointment with 'Anglicare', they too can offer a place for you to stay, they also have counselling and I've used them before and couldn't do without their help.

You can also ring Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 they help people up to the age of 25 and Reachout as well for someone to talk to.

If you could try these and if you do want to move out Centrelink will pay your bond money and two weeks rent, which you are allowed to pay off.

I'm not too sure living with mum or dad is going to be your best option and please correct me if I'm wrong.

Geoff.

I'm mentioning