I only now learned that I may have, kind of been of raped five years ago?

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

So at my last psychologist appointment we talked a lot about sex as I've been looking more into dating lately. I haven't been with anyone in a few years and I have more negative than positive experiences. I also have little dating experience and get super anxious when it comes to intimacy for a combination of reasons involving body image, anxiety and trauma.

I talked about these feelings as well as some physical concerns I have and that was all good, albeit kind of embarrassing; but it was when we were talking, in depth, about my negative sexual experiences that left me with a lot to process. There is a lot of awful stuff there, but there was one in particular she read through (I'd written them out in detail) that she referred to as rape that's really had me feeling super weird since.

The situation she was referring to happened five years ago. I never forgot any of what happened or anything but it was always hard to recognise it for what it was because it wasn't something done with malice. It was one of those grey area situations. He didn't ask beforehand and I gave no indication of wanting to have sex, but it moved so quickly and I froze up. I didn't consent to what was happening but he did seem to genuinely think I was into it for some reason. Thing is, I never told him directly to stop or anything because I just couldn't bring myself to for some reason, even when he was hurting me. Its like I was too awkward and uncomfortable to make it stop, so I was just hoping for it to end soon. He also didn't think to check in and seemed to misread everything.

I have found myself wondering briefly in the past "was that rape?" but I'd always quickly tell myself I was overreacting, but my psychologist put a bit of a different perspective on it for me. I was always quick to shut myself down because I was basing that question around his intent and labelling him & not on my own experience. She said, "he may not have had malicious intent, but you didn't consent and that's what this is about." She also asked how I would view the situation if it was someone else who had experienced that, and I did agree, a lack of no doesn't mean yes.

She did also tell me that I didn't have to call it rape, but I would be justified in doing so if I did. Honestly, I still don't know, and I hate not being able to answer that question to myself. I'm not looking to have that question answered so to speak, but I would value others' insight in how they would deal with this sort of thing.

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

Just to add, I did end up cutting all contact with this guy not too long after because he essentially turned into a major creep. One thing I did manage from the start was to be clear that I wasn't interested in him romantically, but nonetheless, he kept sending me super weird sexual messages out of nowhere, turning everything I said and did into a weirdly sexual thing, showing up at my house uninvited, guilting me into showing him affection, trying to get me to sleep with him again, etc. it all just got too much to deal with.

[Alexlisa]

Hi Jaimie,

I’m kind of in shock right now at how similar our stories are. I’m also struggling to make sense of a similar thing that happened to me in the past. And it’s also my psychologist that has me thinking about it more for what it was. Which confuses and scares me.

I too desperately wanted to say no, but couldn’t find the courage to do it. I felt overpowered both physically and mentally and just generally afraid to say anything. I don’t fully understand why. It all happened so fast. I felt myself almost leave my body to just get through it. I find it hard to believe that I looked ‘into it’, but I never said anything.

I totally understand when you say that it feels like a ‘grey area’ and being confused by the lack of malice involved. Not feeling like I have the ‘right’ to see it as abuse has left me feeling over dramatic and silly when I admit to myself how much it’s affected me over the years. And how much I’m scared to even think about entering another relationship. The biggest part of my fear is that I still don’t have faith in myself that I’ll have the strength to say ‘no’ in a similar situation. So I totally avoid getting myself anywhere near the vague possibility of having sex.

I want to say that maybe not labelling it is ok, but I feel so confused that it also feels like the label might help me to accept it, get the right help and move on. It would validate some of the trauma symptoms that I experience and help me to be less hard on myself. The whole thing has left me feeling so deeply disappointed and ashamed in myself for not speaking up at the time - that I could respect myself so little - and I’d really like that feeling to ease up in my life now.

I’m sorry I don’t have any helpful words, I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in this. And maybe someone else will be able to give feedback to us.

Take care

Alexlisa

[IreneM]

I can relate to both of you heaps as I had a very similar experiences myself.

I don't want to say too much because I feel that your psychologist is on the right track. As Alexlisa said: "a label helps you to accept the reality of it for what it is and from there you are in a position to take steps to put that behind you." Just give it a name and, when ready, throw it away mentally. Difficult I know. The road to recovery is a long one but worth every step.

However it sounds like you are still being harassed by him. I recommend that you take steps to remove his contact by: giving him one more final warning and if he doesn't abide by that, change your phone number and report him to the police. Locks on your home may be necessary as well. I had to move out of the area completely to cope in the end and it was one of the best things that I have done to be able to move on.

I understand because of the trauma and horrific fear at that time the details are always fuzzy in your memory, and in many ways it is best for it to stay that way. Our brain is designed to protect us from harm, and will remain that way until you can identify the things that make you have fear that this will happen again. Your psychologists will help you here. There is a tool called the Risk Calculator. Feel free to mention this to your psychologists and they can do it with you.

If you are upfront with someone new in your life that you have been raped, chances are that they will be more respectful and understanding to you; my current partner is.

Have a look at some of the other tips in the STAY WELL section. Focus on these until you get to a stage in your therapy where you can address your symptoms more. Mindfulness thread is a good one.

Irene.

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

Hey there, and thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I hope your feelings towards yourself and the situation become easier to deal with over time- I know from experience how difficult that can be- and I know you've likely heard this before but I really want to emphasise that you didn't do anything wrong or shameful, nor were you at fault for the trauma you've experienced. Not being able to verbally say no- something I've also struggled with my whole life- isn't always an indicator of poor self respect; sometimes its due to life circumstances that we become fearful of displeasing people, but it can also be as simple as a personality trait. People are complex.

I actually just saw my psych a couple of days ago and we discussed it a little more. I told her about how, while not labelling it is perfectly valid, I felt like I needed a decisive answer for myself, but I also felt wrong using the word 'rape', like I was appropriating something not meant for me. She told me my feelings were normal, especially after 5 years of being dishonest with myself. We also talked more about the complexities of sex and consent and she gave me an interesting comparison, and that was how variations of murder are legally defined. You have people who set out to kill others with intent- murderers, and serial killers, but then you have people who maybe don't intend to kill anyone there is, which is manslaughter. In other words, there is a difference between murder and manslaughter that's based on the intentions of the killer. Rape doesn't seem to commonly have this sort of terminology- sexual assault and non-consensual sex are variations but aren't really distinguished as separate from rape, and that's a term most people seem to associate with intent, which of course makes it harder for people like us to pinpoint exactly what happened.

But basically, she explained to me that when a person has been killed, they're dead. Intent doesn't change that they lost their life. Similarly, intent doesn't change the fact that we didn't consent to having sex. The pain of such an experience, especially from someone known, is as valid as if we had have had the ability to say no.

For now, I've settled on referring to my incident as definitely non consensual. I still feel weird about using the word rape, but that could be because 1. I went 5 years without acknowledging it, or 2. I'm still very focused on intent and not facts.

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

Thank you for the response, and I'm sorry to hear you've had similar experiences. I hope you're doing well. I'm also sorry to hear you had to move, but its great to hear that it helped you so much.

Fortunately I did actually cut all contact with this person a long time ago, and have since moved quite a long way away (for different reasons though). I did get a text from him in 2017, about three years after cutting contact, but I ignored it. It was just asking if his number was still blocked, which it never actually was, I just deleted the contact and stopped responding to his messages.

I have unfortunately been unable to bring myself to attend a particular yearly event in Sydney because I know he attends every year. My psychologist thinks it would be a good idea to go, and even confront him one day- she's a great psychologist and lovely person but I'm not really sure about this piece of advise. Of course, I know she doesn't intend for me to rush into it and do it any time soon though, so hard to say how good or bad that would be for me.