Spiraling out of control

[Rach28]

Hi everyone. So im really struggling right now in my life. I feel like im stuck in a dark deep hole in the dark and I feel so alone. Context: I suffer PTSD and have suffered multiple terrible trauma experiences. 

I just feel so broken. I dont know what to do. I have no life direction and all my triggers are on high alert. I also struggle with anxiety/ depression which has become more severe recently due to triggers that are related to my trauma. I just feel like anytime I try to do something and put all my effort in, im always disappointed. I always end up getting rejected, hurt, or getting my hand burnt (hypothetically not literally). I just feel like nothing good is going to happen in my life. I just feel like I am a broken human being. I feel like no employer will take me on if I want to apply for a job - im so messed up mental health wise plus I dont like being around people. I get triggered SO easily I cant control it. 

I guess I am writing this post because I feel so alone right now in all of this. i dont know what decisions to make because right now avoidance is the best option for me. If I avoid making any life decision I'm not going to spiral more out of control. And right now my mental health is very delicate. 

Plus I recently had a fight with a friend and I'm not talking to him. He's been a huge support system for me and I feel he doesnt understand my mental state right now given the stress of timing of the year also regarding traumatic events. 

I just feel so alone and I want to never have to work again. I want to just be left in peace and deal with my broken version of myself after being sexually assaulted, abused by my ex and abused my family. I just dont know what to do. 

Does anyone else understand what I am saying. I just would love to know that I'm not the only person struggling with PTSD, trauma and mental health. 

I just want to curl in a ball and hide away from the world, in hopes that everyone will just leave me alone and allow me peace and quiet to figure out what the hell I am going to do with my life. 

I'm scared of living after all the awful life events I've faced and survived. I'm scared of trying again. 

Does anyone else relate? Id love to hear from you. 

[Beaser]

Hi Rach and ER.

I ve found myself in a similar situation this week . I have an exemption until end of June then i go to that next step with centrelink .   I am  thinking i will apply for the DSP  myself as i feel i have decent grounds and history for it.  

Im glad you have an exemption until Sept its a good  amount of time to get what you need to done and also step back when you need to.

I just want you to know that your not alone and maybe we can help each other along the way.

Beaser.

[white knight]

"

My favourite lyrics in the song are:

You are light, you are principle

When you love: invincible

Our shared light indivisible

When we love, we're invincible"

wow

TonyWK

[white knight]

Hi Beaser

Very supportive of you 

A couple of facts to ensure it is all clear-

• DSP is harder to get and has been since 2013, 3 months after I got approved.
• Whatever Centrelinks decision you have no control over it, so there is a common saying here that we use- "it is counter productive to worry about what is not in your control"
• That a plan b and c is fruitful, can soften the blow of rejection
• That Centrelink dont take much notice of your own medical professionals, they have their own
• That your best is good enough, its not your fault.

In terms of plan b and c.

I read, maybe here, of the fear of not being able to afford accommodation. My wife and I are caravanners and we've met many people in all areas living in tents, essentially homeless. Most of these poor souls have employment issues or their rent is too high to remain sustainable. Some have drug issues and others fall into that hole unable to see any future. But there are some that surprised us.

One fellow lived in a small one man tent with his Staffy, amazing they fitted in there. During the day he attended a job he had as a cooks assistant. He'd only just got the job. He'd been in the tent for 18 months looking for work. We returned there 6 weeks later and he was still there, he'd secured a second job as a cook at a hotel. I asked him if he was going to seek accommodation "not now, I'm looking for a third job - my objective is to save as much as I can to buy a mobile home and travel around. This mans motivation was incredible. Whats more he lived rent free at a free camp.

I'm not suggesting everyone can do this, what I am suggesting is that to be "a survivor" in life is to- 1/ accept that life isnt easy for many people 2/ that we fall down, the next day we pick ourselves up and soldier on 3/ consider all avenues for your future eg the armed forces, voluntary work that could lead to a job, networking, persistent job hunting and so forth.

TonyWK

[Rach28]

Hi everyone, I dont know whos reading this or if you care or understand my situation. 

I'm currently strugging with severe depression, severe anxiety and complex ptsd. These mental health / psychological issues have been ongoing since early 2018. Thats over 5 years of struggling with mental health. And recently alot of life events mostly negative have impacted me severely. 

TRIGGER WARNING: I am a rape victim, I am an abusive victim to family abuse/ narcissistic abuse and I was also in an abusive LDR online for 3 years on and off. As a result of all these events plus recent events and LONG-TERM unemployment I am severly struggling in the mental health department. 

To give you context I've been on Centrelink Newstart/JobSeeker payment since early 2018 before all this awful life traumatic events started. And as you can guess I've been relying on Centrelink to help me survive as I havent been able to seek employment or study as its a huge trigger when it comes to my mental health. I get very anxious and stressed when it comes to even discussing the prospect of applying for jobs, resume or even study conversations. I have alot of barriers that make it more difficult for than others to access study courses / employment opportunities. Being on Centrelink I cant always put money aside and most study organisations require you to pay a tuition/study fee to become a student. Sadly alot of these factors and more make the decision of employment/study literally the most difficult choice ever. I want to avoid it at all costs and right now I'm avoiding these thoughts completely. Otherwise my mind spirals out of control, i end up having anxiety attacks and my brain feels like its lit on fire and burning. 

I guess I am making this post because the past several years I've been trying to find a long term financial solution for in regards to my circumstances. I've explored obviously employment but as I've stated above its been an on/off journey because I've been dealing with mental health issues ongoing, homeless and accomodation issues moving around and just in general struggling to survive living on Centrelink payments and nothing else. Its a real struggle and Centrelink payments just make me more depressed as its not enough money to live a comfortable life. I am financially struggling and in hardship for over 5 yeasr - this is my reality. I'm assuming whoever is reading this is going to write below 'the solution is to get a job. it will fix everything and help with your mental health'. Not exactly a helpful response knowing I have dealt with extremely serious life events - SA, DV, Family abuse and in general feeling like I am never understood by society because im classified as "poor". 

I know i have the option to apply/consider Centrelink DSP payment, and I've been considering that for several years and even attempted once a few years ago which resulted in being rejected due to technical reasons. So as a result I dont want to bother applying as its triggering to my mental health too.

So I have no clue what the hell I am going to do. I'm not employable considering I've been on Centrelink so long, long term unemployed, alot of psychological issues that are too long to list in this post. In general I dont know what to do. I cant stay on Centrelink JobSeeker anymore, its not realistic and I dont plan on looking for work. Its too stressful and I just dont feel its going to actually fix anything. 

I need an answer that I dont know exists. I need an option that factors that I am a rape victim, i am an abuse victim, i have serious mental health issues and i have serious trauma issues. 

So I guess I'm sending this out into the void in hopes that someone out there knows how to fix my situation so that I can live in peace, not end up homeless again. And in general not be FORCED into employment because Centrelink says I have to, or forced to apply for this DSP payment which is impossible to even get - its too complicated and invasive. I dont want to bother honestly its stupid! 

Help please ! 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Rach,

I am just thinking a good option may be calling The Blue Knot Foundation who specialise in addressing Complex PTSD. I have called them a number of times and found them helpful. I would outline everything you have explained here, how it is affecting you and how you are feeling. They may have some suggestions for how to go forward. Their focus is on safety and stabilisation so often what they help with initially is getting to a place of greater inner feelings of safety and stability and then it can often be a bit easier from there to cope with how to move forward with decisions. They do free consultations of 30-45 minutes depending how busy they are. I’m just wondering if that may be a good next step just to get their perspective and see if they have some ideas?

Take care,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again Rach,

I was just advised I can’t provide a direct link to the Blue Knot Foundation as it against moderation rules to directly link to a website so they removed my hyperlink. So just to help you in that regard their phone number is 1300 657 380. If you look them up you will be able to find them on the internet and see further information.

Take care and all the best,

ER