I was born into abuse. Not as bad as some, worse then others. I can't
remember loosing my virginity, or who took it but I know I was very
young. I was molested and raped by my family from before I can remember
until the start of my teens. Tried to sp...
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I was born into abuse. Not as bad as some, worse then others. I can't
remember loosing my virginity, or who took it but I know I was very
young. I was molested and raped by my family from before I can remember
until the start of my teens. Tried to speak with my mother when I was
very young, I was told boys are boys. Later to keep quiet and that it's
over. Don't break the family. My dad left when I was 11. Overseas,
started a new family. Left us with mum. She was an addict, neglectful
and abusive. She tried to murder me. My brother, my rapist, saved me.
Mum had countless boyfriends. Abusive relationships, both sides. Years
of listening to screaming, physical fights, violent sex and mental
breakdowns. Years of suicide threats and uncontrolled rage, jealousy,
hate. Had two younger sisters I tried to shield. But ran when I was 15.
My sister's both ended up being molested. One by my mother herself.
Ended up in an abusive relationship with my first. 8 years later and 2
girls, I left. Had a good career and beautiful children. Chose to do
better and did. Married my childhood best friend. Wanted a fairytale and
ignored a lot of red flags. Started intensive trauma therapy, after a
year I was given an ultimatum to let him know about my past, be apart of
the therapy or end things. I worked with my therapist for months to get
the courage. Wrote a letter to my mother confronting her. She was still
in my life. They all were. I told him. He said I was disgusting. That he
didn't sign up for my trauma. That he would share my letter on social
media to show the world how f----d up I was. I didn't understand. We had
a little boy and the girls were so happy and loved him deeply as a step
dad, I was a wonderful partner but he thought I was dirty. Used and
broken. So I moved on. I shared my story with my whole family. Put out
into the open everything that had happened, what they had done and the
pain and grief that it has caused me. And I was cut away. Called a liar.
My mum tells people that I had my brother at my wedding, I had him near
my children - my rapist - that I chose it, that I'm a terrible mother,
neglectful, abusive, can't hold together a relationship. Pathetic. A
wh--e. She is dying now. She was diagnosed with advanced MS, with
multiple lesions on her brain. We haven't spoken in years, I'm off
social media, blocked her from all my accounts but occasionally she gets
a message through, just to call me something. Tell me she hates me. It
was my birthday two days ago, she commemorated it by making sure I got a
message calling me awful names, a f--- up, a bad mother. That she is
dying and she'll hate me until the end. Never own it. Never be sorry.
Decades of therapy. Medications. I do so well. Have an amazing job, am a
great mother, a good person. But I have flashbacks and nightmares. I
feel like a can't breathe sometimes. I feel hollow at other times. I
know what it all is. But I'm just sitting here thinking, I'm tired.
Life's been really hard. And I've done a really good job to get here,
for the kids, they're ok. If I died now, theyd be ok. I've set them up
financially, with love, with strength, with each other. I could go and
these episodes... Fighting this battle again the utter worthlessness,
hopelessness and soul wrenching pain will be done. Because I know now it
won't go away. It will always be here. I will never find peace with this
and fighting my mind, finding the strength to choose to continue and
look for happiness is exhausting. I feel like I've fought hard enough
now.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
