PTSD and trauma

A space for discussing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), domestic abuse, sexual abuse and other trauma. Please note some content may be distressing.

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 274

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

All discussions

Cheer Cheer
  • replies: 2

Currently unemployed yet again due to being bullied I. The workplace at 62 I am not giving much hope to return to work

Currently unemployed yet again due to being bullied I. The workplace at 62 I am not giving much hope to return to work

cat15 Narrcistic abuse
  • replies: 2

Hello, I am a 52 year old woman, and have a life of narrcistic abuse from my mother, and exhusband. I always felt different and wondered why things never made sense and why things were always my fault and still my fault. I could never put my finger o... View more

Hello, I am a 52 year old woman, and have a life of narrcistic abuse from my mother, and exhusband. I always felt different and wondered why things never made sense and why things were always my fault and still my fault. I could never put my finger on what was wrong. I have now discovered that both my mother and my exhusband are narrccists. I read about narrcism and when I did it hit me like a brick, all the things they say and did and are still doing to me, finally had a name. I am trying to get help, but it seems people don't believe me, or take me seriously. Why didn't I see what was going on? I don't know how to get over this. My exhusband was abusing me mentally and at times physically, for over 30 years. This might sound trivial, but narrcistic abuse is real, and I have been left feeling, worthless, stupid and not good for anyone or anything. If anyone can offer advice I,would be greatful. I,wish you all well.

Debbiedoo This is about everything
  • replies: 2

Hello,This will be all over the place cause I’m still trying to understand all this I’m a woman in my 50’s and every once in a while I would have this memory . Before my Parents divorced I was 13 yrs old my father took me away to QLD and this is wher... View more

Hello,This will be all over the place cause I’m still trying to understand all this I’m a woman in my 50’s and every once in a while I would have this memory . Before my Parents divorced I was 13 yrs old my father took me away to QLD and this is where the memory starts , I’m sitting on a bed and the tv is on and “Pretty Baby “was on my father comes out of the bathroom wearing just a towel and asks if I want a glass of wine , I said ok and he kept giving wine . All of this is in the third person as in from behind me like someone else is watching this . I never told anyone cause when ever I remembered this it didn’t know if it ever happened but I always felt anxious when it resurfaced. I also had another image where I was laying on the bed naked with my eyes closed and my father was touching me but it was viewed from above once again like through someone else’s eyes. The last thing I remember about that trip was waking up at home ( we lived in NSW ) .My father was physically abusive and an alcoholic we were always walking around on eggshells . My Mum passed away in 2019 and my world crumbled, Mum and I talked all the time yes we argued but she was everything to me so this is where everything unraveled. I went to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression and was put on tablets and told to talk to a psychologist, we talked for a few months and was diagnosed with CPTSD & Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I had never told anyone about what I had remembered until I saw a psychiatrist I told her about the one where he was coming out the bathroom and she said that it was definitely a memory . After all this I would like to know if anyone else remembers things happening in the third person cause I’m just worried that if this is all true will I remember more ?

BG_95 The void
  • replies: 5

Hi guys. I don’t really know how to start this. I guess it’s complicated. I have no intention to harm myself and when I talk about how I feel it’s always the constant worry but that isn’t what I plan to do. I just feel like this world isn’t for me. I... View more

Hi guys. I don’t really know how to start this. I guess it’s complicated. I have no intention to harm myself and when I talk about how I feel it’s always the constant worry but that isn’t what I plan to do. I just feel like this world isn’t for me. I feel like I am out of my body in a way-looking at myself and everybody around me and I don’t understand how or why I’m involved in any of it. I’m very intelligent-so I’ve been told and I look at socioeconomic spaces and society and media and I think the good and bad in the world and the rollercoaster of life is too much and I want to get off the rollercoaster and just feel peace (peace alive not unalive) I don’t see myself being able to feel safe in a relationship to start a family because I self sabotage due to fear of abandonment. I don’t want to work everyday of my life because I have worked so hard and am a good worker and I’m not cared for in jobs like I care for jobs so what’s the point. I’m studying a degree that I’m passionate about but it’s in a negative work environment (hospital/healthcare) I care so much and I wish I just cared a normal amount. I know I’m not the only one to feel like this but for myself I’m sick of being in such a negative space and I feel like I’m drowning and stuck in a pit of darkness. I have had these depression episodes on and off my whole life. 6 months of the year I’m off work due to depression. Real depression and not laziness. I have been told I have major depression, mild anxiety and complex ptsd due to some physical abuse and a LOT of verbal abuse and manipulation in childhood. CBT therapy dosent really work for me and idk what else is there to help. Trust me, I’m not a lazy person and have tried the whole meditation, self help books, CBT therapy, medication, look you name it-I’ve worked really hard at it. I’m 28 years old and all I want to do and all I do is sleep lately and most of the time anyway just worse other times. 13-14 hours a day because I don’t want to feel anything. I don’t know what else to do. I’m lost and yes I know it sounds really terrible like I will hurt myself but I don’t want to and won’t do it I’m just screaming for help at this point and looking for a way to stop hating myself and the world and being so negative. I’m tired and have been working on myself since I was 16 years old and I’m tired and just want things to get better and my hard work on myself to start paying off

Drewboy Tired of trying to ignore childhood SA
  • replies: 3

Hi out there. I am a 45 year old man and have worked hard to build my life, but for some reason the memories of my childhood SA have been coming on stronger and more frequently that it's becoming hard to ignore them and keep moving forward. My older ... View more

Hi out there. I am a 45 year old man and have worked hard to build my life, but for some reason the memories of my childhood SA have been coming on stronger and more frequently that it's becoming hard to ignore them and keep moving forward. My older brother and a friend's dad separately groomed and SA'd me from about the ages of 5 to 12. I never felt comfortable with it but went along so I wouldn't get in trouble, as they told me that would happen if I didn't play along. When I had just turned 14, a 19 yo neighbour who i liked, trusted and thought was a friend coerced me and technically took my 'adult virginity' I guess, but then moved and never made contact again. After that, I was scared to trust people but eventually let myself get into a relationship at 21, which took a few years to get comfortable with. Since then, i've fought hard to ignore and I guess repress the SA I went through as a child, and it's worked out pretty ok until now as I've focused on building my life up. But over the last 12 months the SA memories have been coming back stronger and stronger and I'm just getting so tired of trying to repress them. It's definitely affecting my mood at times. I worry it's affecting my partner and relationship. Sex has an element of fear about it these days. I know I should talk about this stuff professionally but that just feels like a very long and horribly uncomfortable road to go down, and I feel massive anxiety at the thought of seeking that kind of help. I've never told anyone about this stuff, and feel hesitant to even write it here, but I'm not sure what else to do.

Buzzbee Childhood trauma, church and SA
  • replies: 1

Hi there, I am suffering from childhood trauma and family SA. My coping mechanisms are freeze and flight impacting my life. Messed up with a helplessness and low self esteem indoctrinated by church ‚not good enough’ and paranoia ‚god sees and knows e... View more

Hi there, I am suffering from childhood trauma and family SA. My coping mechanisms are freeze and flight impacting my life. Messed up with a helplessness and low self esteem indoctrinated by church ‚not good enough’ and paranoia ‚god sees and knows everything‘, I developed trust issues as parents and church and teachers seemed omnipotent and all knowing. Can’t build deep friendships, can’t ask for help, can’t stay in jobs over long period of times, don’t have many friends and am distant in my family due to trust issues. Conflicts are not resolved as I shut down and freeze and flee to food, neighbours or hobbies. It‘s impacting marriage and family with kids and work environment. Plagued with guilt and shame, not being able to admit mistakes and apologise I am looking for a support group or one-on-one to unravel these issues and help me heal.

Kez77 Domestic Violence
  • replies: 1

So it all just came to a end my fiancée had anoth psychotic episode on Sunday night came home was angry he walked away and chilled and then made me my favourite dinner fish and prawns which was weird for never cooks and brought to me and was so lovin... View more

So it all just came to a end my fiancée had anoth psychotic episode on Sunday night came home was angry he walked away and chilled and then made me my favourite dinner fish and prawns which was weird for never cooks and brought to me and was so loving and sweet the man I feel in love with. then he went and had shower and went and watched tv and then came into our room raging and smashing everything up and put he hands on me. He then walked away and called the police saying I assaulted him when he knows he already has a DVO and I think was his breaking out to protect me for knew they would arrest him and knows I video everything when has his episodes. He has had a change in his medication over a year ago for doctor lost license and since they changed it has been having these episodes and is total different person I don’t even recognise anymore. I have kept trying all I can to get him to get help and we can go together to a new doctor and or a clinic for financially I could support us just wanted him back to the man I feel I love with but he thought he could fix himself and still it kept happening .. and I kept blaming the meds and kept trying to help .. so the police came took him away and I just kept telling them I don’t want him in jail just needs to get medication in rehab sorted.. they then called a family member of mine and they had to take me to the station and i had to make a report of that night then they saw more photos and videos from last 14 months and now has many chargers against him. The house he brought 8 months before I meet him and when I moved in 3 and half years ago we payed double mortgage and everything to get ahead 1 payed mortgage other put the same to the offset savings. We never changed into joint names for didn’t want to loose the low fixed rate we had which would run out this June and then would change. So now I have no access to any money or anything and they weren’t sure how long the court would hold him so I moved within 48hours and out all in storage and staying on a mattress in a family member’s place for have no money for a bond or anything. And for the account is all in his name can’t afford therapy even though they say 10 free sessions through mental health plan they aren’t free anymore. And to get a lawyer isn’t cheap either and doing all takes along time for legal aid and all also.. I am so lost and all can think of is the amazing life we had planned we renovated our house and we were so happy and now in a blink my whole life is up in smoke and my head is spinning like I am in a movie.. Am so worried about him in jail and of course I can’t have any contact and am just so lost and having a really bad day don’t know how my life came to this.

Freedom14 Life must get better than this!
  • replies: 2

Gday, I feel like I need to get this off my chest! I’ve been struggling again for the past 7 months. It has turned me back to substance abuse again to cope/switch off and I’m getting worse. It all started when I broke off the relationship with my par... View more

Gday, I feel like I need to get this off my chest! I’ve been struggling again for the past 7 months. It has turned me back to substance abuse again to cope/switch off and I’m getting worse. It all started when I broke off the relationship with my partner but still stayed friends and lived together. Little did i realised how much it affected her, I found out eventually that bills weren’t being paid, she also lost her baby sister (stillborn) and still to this day battling with anxiety, Depression and multiple problems with her body after the covid vaccine. I took on the role to look after her and it was very stressful at times. Trips to the hospital and doctors. Juggling a full time job as well (6 days a week) coming home tired and exhausted I still had to maintain the house,cook, clean and play with our 2 beautiful dogs. That was when I started using again it gave me energy to do things around the house that needed to be done. Work was becoming really depressing and a work colleague who I thought was a true friend turned out to be a narcissist and had psychologically abused me to try turn me against my partner ever since I put my focus on her wellbeing. Since I realised for who he truly was I tried to expose him but it seems he’s playing the victim. Pretty much all my work mates are now belittling me and gaslighting me. I feel like they’re trying to set me up to fail. it’s been so frustrating and confusing as I just want the truth as to why ?!?!? Why are you doing this to me ?!? because I have turned to substance abuse I have been missing out on work more and more. If I keep this up I will lose my job.The person who I get used to get the substance from, I know him well and again I thought he was a good enough person but in that 3 month period he must have seen how down I was at times and decided to use me and emotionally abuse me as well, when i confronted him. He somehow managed to turn people against me and made him look like the victim. Great!!! My partner and I have recently decided to rekindle our relationship and give it another try. She is dead set against my substance I use and I am trying to stop! I’d get as much as 5-6 days clean then relapse. I’m at the point where I feel like I’m going to snap and go crazy and use violence because inside I’m soo angry at them for taking advantage of me and I’m angry at myself because I just want to stop!

Eagle Ray TW Healing physical and verbal abuse from childhood
  • replies: 2

Possibly distressing content. I have an intellectual understanding of everything that has happened to me in the past. I have also completely forgiven things done to me in childhood and carry no resentment about those things. However, the impacts of e... View more

Possibly distressing content. I have an intellectual understanding of everything that has happened to me in the past. I have also completely forgiven things done to me in childhood and carry no resentment about those things. However, the impacts of early physical and verbal violence remain in my nervous system. I have successfully processed adult traumas somatically with my psychologist, removing the charge from those experiences. But the charges from early childhood remain. The worst physical violence occurred between the ages of 3 and about 7-8. While that later lessened, frequent volatile verbal rage continued to be directed at me. In my experience things like cognitive restructuring have been useless as I've basically done that already and that doesn't shift how my nervous system innately responds. I continue to have fear triggered in daily life by situations that are not necessarily harmful, yet my nervous system will be waiting for the harm to happen. I have practised sitting in meditation in nature for extended periods. As soon as I allow my body to let go I will usually vomit, my body purging the toxic sludge it has been carrying as a lifelong thing. It seems never ending and I am profoundly exhausted. I at least feel held in nature, like it is my witness and it always feels way safer than anything to do with other humans. The people I find I can really truly relate to are very gentle and sensitive people like myself and I usually find they have actually been through similar experiences to myself. I find people who haven't had such experiences will judge how you should manage in life with no understanding of visceral trauma and how it takes over when Complex PTSD responses take hold. The world can feel like a very alienating place of non-understanding, leading me to retract back into self-protection and isolation. With the friends I know with similar experiences, we tend not to go too deep into it, I think out of fear of not wanting to trigger one another (we are all ultra sensitive empaths so tread very carefully with one another). I think I am writing this because I am still in this struggle and maybe wanting to know how others have processed early life verbal and physical attack? There were forms of less direct and more manipulative emotional abuse from my mother as well and this would occur when she would dissociate and split off into aspects of her own trauma, the same pattern of what her mother did to her. So this compounded the more explicit, blatant abuse I experienced. I am writing this out possibly because I minimised these experiences for so many years which was a coping mechanism. Maybe I am now trying to confront it head on. I experience flashbacks regularly, but I've been so dissociated from them I've only recently started to grasp when I am in them, if that makes any sense. Before I was just in them, so that is probably progress that some part of me can step back just enough to see I am in them now. Do others out there relate to purely visceral trauma that comes from earliest life experiences? But please don't go there if it is triggering. I find listening to musicians/songwriters who have been through similar things helps because it is a form of empathy and resonates in the body and emotions which is where I need to heal.

Empathic Husbands porn addiction
  • replies: 51

Ok, so I first came here when I needed help with my husband's depression but here I am a couple of months later and I am so traumatised and messed up in the head I don't know what to do. I knew he was alcohol addicted, I knew he was depressed but I d... View more

Ok, so I first came here when I needed help with my husband's depression but here I am a couple of months later and I am so traumatised and messed up in the head I don't know what to do. I knew he was alcohol addicted, I knew he was depressed but I didn't know he was popping prescription medicines or that he has a porn addiction too. During the course of talking to my husband and hammering him for answers I decided I would do the one thing I never imagined doing, I snooped. What I have discovered has left me in absolute ruins. In December last year over the course of 3 days he searched for and visited 52 kinky websites and signed up on 13 Kinky Dating sites. When confronted he of course denied it but I wasn't having any of it. To cut a very long story short I have discovered he is addicted to porn and has even watched it at home right under my nose. The nature of the porn has gotten worse and while I haven't actually viewed any of it judging by what he was searching for I can only imagine. My heart is shattered, my head severely messed, I cannot eat, cannot sleep due to nightmares, I have invasive thoughts - things pop into my head at any time and I'm really struggling to deal with it all. He has accepted he has a massive problem and wants to get whatever help he can. He is genuine in this and has begged me to stay and help him. The trouble is, who is going to help me? There seems to be so much out there for his addiction but all I can find is sites telling me how I'm feeling. I already know that! I need help to accept, move on and heal. I am so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know who he is anymore, I'm broken, sad, depressed and have been having crazy irrational thoughts. Is there any hope?