Single Mum Struggling to cope [Trigger Warning: Domestic Abuse]

[MGee]

Hi

I’m a single parent to a 3.5 year old girl. I left her Narcissistic Father im WAS when she was 2.5 months old to free us from his emotional, psychological, financial and verbal abuse when it started to get physical and I was concerned he would rape me.

I moved back to SA where my family are from, but couldn’t get childcare and hence couldn’t work. I always dreamed of living back in QLD, where I spent 7 years and have many work connections. I also could get childcare right away.

I don’t regret moving. I love QLD and I’m working. What’s hard is being a single parent with no suppprt and then dealing with a child who regresses in her toileting (5-6 accidents a day) post spending time with her Father. The Father doesn’t care, the family court didn’t care and the Independent Children’s Lawyer didn’t care.

I saw my GP today and I present well. It’s the mornings and nights with my Daughter when she’s constantly not listening and having accidents that I sit on the floor and cry. I don’t drink and exercise is part of my job, that’s what’s helped me not give her up when I feel like I have had no time for myself these past 3.5 years. It’s just compounded by her out of character behaviour post visit.

I look on the positive side, try and get enough sleep etc...but I am getting worn out. Court is now over after 2.5 years and I tell myself that things will get better. But I don’t think I actually believe it.

Does anyone co parent with a Narcissist?

Do you know where I could get help for my Daughter and I so we don’t turn on each other?

Thank you x

[Quercus]

Hi MGee,

I wanted to join in and reply because I somewhat understand your exhaustion. I have a 3 and a 4 year old and most days I don't enjoy being a parent unfortunately.

The difference is I do have my husband and mum in law who watches the kids one day a week so I can see a psychiatrist. So if I'm shattered I can't begin to comprehend how exhausted you must be.

Plus add in an ex happy to let you deal with the responsibility and he just gets to swoop in and play Dad when it suits him. My friend deals with that and she resents it too.

Right. Enough waffle. You need help so lets talk about you. First off what does your weekly routine look like? I was told recently by our child health nurse that all parents NEED an hour a day kid free. Not to do chores either. An hour of time out for YOU. Part of me just laughed. "Yeah ok in the dream world where we pick money off our money tree". But it is possible.

The hard part is when I am exhausted I've got no time or patience for problem solving. So nothing changes. And I put suggestions in the too hard/unrealistic basket without thinking.

So... Look at your routine. Write it out. And find time. You are worth it. Like you said it is not fair to put your life on hold when your ex doesn't but the reality is your little one needs you. Your balance is all out. Everything (time, money, effort) is going to your child and you miss out. That is the right way to resenting your child. And I'm sure you do at heart love her.

What are options with no/little money?

1. Find your local women's health centre. They run very low cost counselling and activities and usually have a creche while you attend.

2. Local swimming pool. These usually have a low cost creche. Swim or sauna or pack snacks and have quiet in a patch of sun. Read a book. Whatever you like.

3. Daycare. Some parents love it. Others loathe it. But if work is important for you for finamces and sanity and esteem then a few days a week won't hurt her. If you work there are subsidies you just have to speak to Centrelink first.

4. Joint custody. Maybe ask the ex whether he wants this. Do you think maybe the toilet regression is anxiety based? If he was responsible for her care and earned her trust do you think she would improve?

I hope this helps or at least makes you aware these feelings are normal when you're exhausted.

Time to make yourself an equal priority to your little one.

Nat