Should I stay or go.

[TaylorJL]

Ive been with my current partner now for 3 years and we have just recently go engaged.
He has struggled with depression, anxiety, bipolar for most part of our relationship and I feel its finally taken its toll on me. He has days which are good and I forget about all the bad times but mostly its a constant struggle and fight.
Im not sure how others handle their depression but my partner lashes out with abuse, constantly swearing and yelling at me. He has physically assaulted me at times. Im not looking for sympathy as i'm trying to understand him and what he's going through. He also gets very down and and upset. Ive had him in my arms sobbing, ive talked him out of self harm and suicide, ive taken him to the doctors for medication. Im at my wits end. I feel like I have done the best I can to help him through this, and I don't know if im strong enough to continue. I know that might sound selfish but I do not feel myself anymore. I am now feeling constantly upset and sad. The love I have for him is still there but I don't know if I can continue to go through this. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

[grt123]

Hi Taylor - If youre like me, the days and weeks after a meltdown are the best you'll ever have with this man. I could feel my husband winding up over weeks and then there'd be a catastrophe - sometimes violence, and he'd be good again for a while. I realised 'post-catastrophe' was the only time he treated me well. The rest of the time it was like trying to keep a deflating balloon in the air. My happiness was so intertwined with his that if he said he had a bad day I'd feel bad too - And towards the end all his days were bad. I responded to a question like yours on another thread recently "When is it time to leave?' and here's what I told them:

I don’t think there’s a pain free option unfortunately. It would be lovely to just sit and drink Pinot and cry on your girlfriend’s shoulders but ending a marriage is a time for action. Be prepared. I can assure you the transition is actually quite brief - maybe just a few weeks and it’s done. Go see a lawyer and have a chat - it costs around $350 and you’ll find it helpful and empowering. I can also assure you that taking action is like a tonic - it changes you. People will see the difference and you’ll feel it working almost immediately.

[Tynk]

Hi Taylor,

You're a good soul in a difficult situation. It seems you feel a responsibility toward your fiancé. While you don't feel you're the reason for his difficulties, you're putting in the effort again and again, to the detriment of your own health.

It's not OK to be subject to abuse.

I've been at a similar difficult crossroad. You love the 'good' one and fear the 'bad'. You hope your support will bring healing.

I finally made the difficult decision to separate. I felt many emotions: ongoing concern for my husband, guilt at separating, loss, anger, loneliness, grief, failure.

The truth is, you are not responsible for his healing. He is.

Years later, I still have pangs of remorse - could I have done things differently? The hook of the good times tempts me, but I know it's not a healthy space for me.

My husband was a master of getting people to support him. He would make progress, then revert to patterns - destructive to himself and those around him.

You have important choices to make. E.G, would you want children in this environment?

It takes one kind of strength to care for someone with difficulties and a different kind to draw a line and put yourself first.

In the end, I realised my husband, who is an exceptional man in so many ways, and whom I knew had loved me, was either not really able to see much beyond himself, or was unable to be truly honest with himself and take responsibility for his dark actions, his blame shifting, and inappropriate punishments.

It's difficult. still worry about him However, I know I can't fix him.

I've found it takes time for the layers of hurt to unwind, and there are ups and downs. But it's a worthwhile personal journey that reveals as much about oneself as about the other person.

Some folk won't have the experience or capacity to understand what you have been through. Some may expect you to 'just get over it'.

Using this forum is a good way to express your thoughts and concerns with people who 'get it' and who know that everyone's path to recovery is different and it takes each person a different time.

When separation occurs, there's a yawning gap. Rebuilding takes a different kind of effort and courage. I've found it helpful to spend my time on nourishing activities that give a sense of purpose, and with people that are affirming.

I can tell from your post that you are courageous and strong. Your first responsibility is to yourself. Take care and be kind to yourself.

[Tornbetweenthings]

Hi Taylor,

I feel for you, similar situation to mine although its a bit different but I would like to use this thread to see what others think.

My Partner he has ADHD and after his last breakup he went into having BPD. He has never abused me but always disappeared and that would let me worry about him a lot. I went to visit his psychiatrist and he was being prescribed low dosage of mood swings medication.

How am I suffering, whilst I dont know if I love him or am I smitten with him i do care for him. I am expecting a child of his and that complicates things. In the beginning I wanted to break up and run away but then i got pregnant and am into my 7th month of pregnancy. So now he is using a different tactic or maybe is related to his mental health which confuses me . He says how he doesnt want to be father nor does he want to financially contribute to things and I feel like he is actually thinking I'm holding him back. then he will come home and say I love you and i cant hurt you and then will say i miss you if you go away from me for even a day.. when all i want to focus on is the baby and the delivery and knowing he has my back whilst Iam not working and needing care ...

Then I analysed things and asked myself - will i have stayed with him if I wasnt pregnant and my answer came to me - No i wouldnt, because he is not helping himself. Then why am i staying with him now and the answer comes to me because i want our child to have connections with both parents.

Then i get confused and think how will i live with this torture and for how many years. Dont get me wrong we had a great connection but he had a lot of baggage when he came into my life such as family court issues over custody for his daughter from another short term relationship. and somehow i got involved in that ... then i ask myself how long can i mask this pretence relationship. I do care for him and i think if allowed we would have been a super couple but he always compares me to his ex and that annoys me - like saying one day you will leave me, or one day you will take the child away from me ... its all very convulated and it gives me bad headache at times . thoughts?