Does this ever end? Or just keep repeating itself?

[Fallingleaves]

So tired of fighting every single day, I have no energy left and the mask of ‘ok’ is slipping further out of reach...

Is it even worth the fight to get better? I worked so hard for about 10 years to get through cptsd and depression, celebrated when I finally got off meds and felt good! That lasted maybe 5 years... now back to fighting same demons - cptsd is back as is depression 😔. I’ve been working with psych now for almost 3 years, gave up and accepted meds again 18 months ago but they didn’t seem to do much this time. Past 6 months under psychiatrist with meds increasing in dose and number but still struggle every single day just to do the little things. I have a fantastic husband and 2 wonderful little kids but I can’t seem to find calm or happiness, used to be so good at masking feelings but now that takes so much energy it’s just so hard. Seeing people/friends even for an hour results in exhaustion for the rest of the day - it’s too hard.

Is it worth continuing to find that happiness or do we all just put in so much energy and effort only to go crashing back a short time later... maybe this is the life I need to accept... maybe this is what I deserve for not trusting those I loved all those years ago...

So many tears, so many fears

[danver_1]

Theres a quote I heard from somewhere where it went something like, 'happiness is something to look forward to'.

Unfortunately, i cant really help because im not married nor have children but maybe you can learn something from the quote

[Mummakins]

I hear what you are saying and experienced similar. I have come to not look for happiness but have discovered that happiness is the sum of multiple accumulation of moments of joy. Happiness is the answer in the equation or the result of many small moments of joy we can experience. The hugs and smiles from our children, the stranger acknowledging us with a smile or wave or a “hi”. Even by small acts of kindness or kind words to someone. Yesterday I helped an elderly lady unlocking her trolley at the supermarket, she was so appreciate of my help. It was no trouble to me but it made her day a little easier.

I find this way of thinking helps a little and I don’t feel so useless or invisible.

I hope that helps a little

[Liza_N]

I hear you. I'm experiencing so much frustration and anxiety going back into the mental health system after my ability to cope clapped out. It's hard when you're doing everything you can and nothing seems to change. The only thing that works for me is writing long letters detailing my exact frustrations and anxieties around specific people and I'm not even sure if I can commit to that process because it seems to confirm how alone and isolated I actually am.

I'm not a parent, but I know there's research out there that says that parenting can be depressing for even the most well-adjusted. It's grinding, self-sacrificing and often thankless, especially for women who are expected to give endlessly. This can be exacerbated by expectations of perfection that are, of course, impossible to meet. That's also compounded by things like advertising which constantly sends us the message that there's something essentially deficient in us that needs to be fixed by buying xyz.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the world is a pretty hard place to be and pretty exhausting. With PTSD on top, it can feel almost like too much. Your mental resources are precious and there has to be a way you can honour yourself for the efforts you make every day. You're doing great. I hope you are aware of that. You might feel bad, but that doesn't take away from the positive actions and positive effects of your actions. You don't need to be a Godess or a Queen. Just being a person doing there best every day with integrity and quiet bravery is something to be honoured. If people drain you, honour yourself for recognising that- people are draining, especially when we're not given space to be honest about how we're feeling. I hope you have someone who accepts how you feel and gives you space for that. Give your self space for that. Are you fighting and judging your everyday feelings? I know I have this problem- discrediting my own feelings is one way I disempower myself. You have a full range of emotions and they've gotten you this far. You're strong enough to be vulnerable but vulnerable enough that you may not see your own worth and discredit yourself on some level.

I don't know if that helps. I hope it hasn't hurt. Good luck brave one.

[Fallingleaves]

Thanks Danver, mummakins and Liza,

I’m loosing the battle at the moment, maybe one day that will change, maybe not... crossing fingers that new meds might help me find a place I can work from, but doubt it...

You all write nicely and I thank you for caring - keep fighting your demons and i hope you find a place of peace to grow from

[Mummakins]

I don’t know if we ever fully recover. As many people have said it’s like a roller coaster. The lows are not as low and they don’t last for as longer periods but I still do struggle. I get very frustrated that I can’t keep life on an even level.

It has taken me many many years to get we’re i am and always looking for more insight.

Sometimes I wonder if I will make it to a natural end, but I am still fighting to stay in the game.

My parents are getting on and I know I will miss them terribly and I am most certain that my children feel the say way about me. So I am striving on for them.