Totally lost

[Lifehitsyou]

Where to start?, growing up I was abused a lot by my father, seems the only time he even looked at me was to beat me for something, even if it wasn’t my fault. I could never do anything right, even though I am the only member of my family who went right through school, I did not get in trouble, nor did I turn to drugs or alcohol.

I did however end up with a problem with my temper, even as a young boy it seemed I got angry about things far too easy, I was also bullied a lot at school, right from primary all the way until I left school.

I met a girl when I was 17 and got married at 19, with my first daughter being born just after I turned 20, we had 4 children in 8 years, yet I still had a problem with my anger, I scared my children and also my wife.

then my 2 sons were diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy and given pretty much a death sentence.

after 17 years of marriage my wife left me because I still had a problem with my anger, where the smallest things would set me off. Yet I still tried to maintain a good relationship with my children, my ex wife had turned them against me.

After 2 years fighting her in court to be able to spend time with our children, she finally relented just in time for me to see my eldest son before he died. then 2 years later my youngest son also passed away.

now here I am at 50 all my dreams of being a great dad and maybe being a great grand dad are gone, as my daughters can’t have children.

I am in dire need of help, I am destroying my current relationship because I still have problems with my anger, is there any way that I can learn some coping tools to try and stop being so angry all the time?

please help.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Lifehitsyou,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thankyou for your honesty.

I would like to recommend a couple of books; one called "The Dance of Anger' and another called 'The Five love Languages'.

The 'dance of anger' book may help you to unlock and 'unpack' the triggers and danger points behind your anger, and the '5 love languages' book may help you to better understand why some people can 'connect' better with each other. Such as when one is affectionate, and the other is not.

I too once had a problem with anger, and would act in a very destructive manner, destroying an array of relationships along the way, flirting with others I should not have been flirting with (and that's the polite version) and even being violent at times. Until one day I realised that the anger had completely taken over my life. Up until that point, I had, ta a degree, enjoyed being angry because it made me feel as though I was powerful and in control and superior to others. But in reality, I had lost control, I felt powerless, and inferior to others. It was a real turning point for me. I was also getting a lot of counseling at the time too, which I found to be very helpful.

Perhaps though, if books are not your thing, then I'd like to recommend getting in touch with a professional mental health service that provides anger management tools and services. And maybe while you're at it, some grief counseling as well. It's an awful big load to adjust to losing your kids and your marriage.

I do hope that helps at least a little bit. Please know that I will be keeping you in my thoughts. Hope to see a reply from you of some sort, if any of this does help. Take care. And keep coming back here to Beyond Blue for as long or as little as you want. xo

[Lifehitsyou]

Hi Saberlicious96, thank you so much for your response, I will certainly look into those books, any help is very much appreciated.

[White_Rose]

Dear Lifehitsyou

Welcome to the forum. I hope we can help you. Please accept my condolences on the deaths of your sons. That must be an awful burden to carry and I can only imagine how hard it is.

Anger is such an insidious emotion. As Soberlicious has said, anger makes us feel powerful when in reality we are the losers. While I do not carry as much anger as it appears you have I can understand how it feels to be angry and for me the disgust that I could be like this. I tried to rein it in but without help to manage and deal with it the volcano could and would explode. Not a pretty sight.

If you enjoy reading books I have a suggestion. Reinventing Your Life - Jeffrey E Young & Janet S Klosko While it does not specifically mention anger it talks about anger as part of life trap. It's been around a while and straight forward to understand.

You have certainly carried your anger for a long time. I think it would help you to talk to a mental health professional. Perhaps you could get onto Relationships Australia for some counselling. Anger is not easy to get rid of.

Do you think this will help?

Mary

[Lifehitsyou]

Hi Mary, and thank you for your response, I will certainly look into that book too, I have done a mental health assessment and seen a psychologist, they told me I have PTSD and put me on medication, the medication made me have no feelings, I was permanently numb, my partner said she did not know me when I was on them as all I seemed to do was be on auto pilot, yes I have had anger problems for a long time and the doctor said it came from my childhood, the way I was treated by my father.