Killing me slowly

[sadmum85]

Hi. I'm new here, so first thanks for all the posts on here, I have read quite a few and it is nice to not feel so alone.

I'm posting because I really don't know what to do anymore. I can barely even recognize myself to be honest, I am definitely not the woman I used to be.

My marriage is not very healthy. We have separated in the past and I just feel so stupid and weak now for getting back together with this man. When we first separated he attended counselling for his anger issues and also went to aa for 12 months. I was happy for him that he was changing himself for the better and was proud of him. I thought that he had proven he did want to change and stop his abusive behaviours and I thought I owed it to our family to give us a chance at being happy and together.

That was a mistake. Over the last few months the verbal abuse has escalated, there have been incidents of physical abuse as well.

I just feel completely broken, dead inside. Like I have nothing left to give. He thinks I'm being dramatic when I call his behaviour abusive.

I honestly just feel like giving up I'm exhausted.

[Sophie_M]

Hi sadmum85 ,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue online forums.
 
We are sorry to hear about what you’re going through with your husband. Please know we take reports of abuse seriously and that we are concerned about you.  You deserve to feel safe and we’d urge you to reach out for help. If you are in immediate danger, please call 000.
 
If you are not in immediate danger, we'd recommend you to reach out to 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732/ https://www.1800respect.org.au/ ) to talk your situation through with a professional. We’d ask that you check back in to let us know that you have a plan to keep yourself safe.
 
We look forward to hearing from you and are here to support you as much as you need. 
 

[White_Rose]

Dear Sadmum

Welcome to the forum. I am so pleased you have reached out here for help. However it is sad to learn you are once more being abused. Please follow the steps Sophie has described. We are all concerned about your safety.

Do not believe you are weak for allowing your husband to return. He appeared to want to change and as he was taking the right steps it's reasonable to believe he was sincere. I think most people would see that as a positive action. It's unfortunate that he has reverted to his old ways now he is living with you again.

Do you have a safe place to go? What happened when you initially separated? Did you stay in the family home or did you move out? I ask because I think you need to take action again. If you move you will be safe but finding accommodation for you and the children will be difficult I expect. If he left was that easy to do?

Getting legal advice is always a difficult thing to do but I do suggest you contact the Women's Legal Service in your state. They can offer one or two free legal consultations, not sure how many. I think they can give advice about getting your husband to leave the home and then all the sad but necessary steps to make a final separation. Please know your rights as sometimes we can feel so overwhelmed by the situation that we allow ourselves to be manipulated to our detriment.

Sadmum, I am also sad for you. This is a bad situation and unfortunately one that happens far too often. At the moment you feel despairing with no one to help you. Do you have any extended family who can help with support or other practical matters?

Like Sophie I hope you will get back to us so we know you are safe and have a plan to stay safe.

Mary

[sadmum85]

Thank you both for replying, I really appreciate you taking the time. I have called 1800 respect and I have an appointment to see a local counsellor next week.

Last time we separated he stayed with his family for a short time (he only lasted 2 weeks before they kicked him out and had to return to the family home for a few weeks until we could find him his own flat.) It was awful, but I ended up moving out also a few months later and getting my own rental, which is the one he later moved into after we reconciled. We have since gotten ourselves a rental together so both names are on the lease which makes everything alot more difficult. I'm not sure he will leave this time and I'm also not sure I could manage financially on my own.... it all just seems overwhelming and I dont understand because the first time we separated I felt so strongly about my decision it's like I'm a different person now.

I do not have any family close by, they all live in another state and a huge fear I have is how I would cope with no support. He has family here, but we do not have a good relationship as I have in the past called the police after an incident where he would not leave my house after we had separated and they charged him with assault and property damage and took out an avo. To this day his parents and he himself blame me for that and say I lied to the police. I did not, at all, I only told the truth if anything I covered up a bit for him and didnt tell them everything.

I'm worried about a similar situation happening, I'm worried about losing custody of my son as I feel like he would try to take him from me.... I'm just worried in general.

I also go back and forth alot in my mind, questioning whether his behaviour is really abuse, it sounds stupid but he denies and minimised so much that it gets in my head. I also argue back these days, which I know I shouldn't do but it is so hard to hear him say these horrible things and I'm just at a point in my kind where i cant take it anymore and i snap... i end up feeling like I am just as much to blame for confronting him.

I'm hoping some counselling may help, and seeking leagal advice is a good idea, I will try to look into that.

Thanks again for replying, and sorry if it all sounds like a jumbled mess, my mind is just not working properly these days.

[White_Rose]

Hello Sadmum

The first time you separated you were sure of yourself and strong. Your husband returned and you thought he was going to get himself together but that has not happened. Going through the whole abuse thing again has put so much more stress into your life it's not surprising you feel lost.

I wonder about his family. They took him in when you first separated but then threw him out for whatever reason. Families don't usually throw their children out no matter how old they are. And yet they would not see that he was abusing you. Beats me.

Can you get on to the Legal Service soon and ask about your rights to stay in the house and for him to leave. As he has a conviction (presumably) for assault and had an AVO against him I imagine you could stay while he leaves. However, I am not a lawyer and I can only guess. It's where you would expect to get support. Do you have any friends who can help? You also need to ask about custody of your child. I think you have one only? Gaining custody of him/her should be straight forward as your husband has a history of abuse against you as shown by the AVO. It seems logical to me but courts and lawyers do not always do what seems logical to us.

I feel I am telling you what to do but these are only suggestions. If you feel in danger please ring 000. The legal service may know how to contact the women's refuge in your area. If you can contact them it may provide a short term place to live while you get everything together. They do like the women to move on ASAP in order to help others but every bit of help counts.

Mary

Despite your family being interstate could someone come and join you for a time? I think it would be an enormous help to you.

May I ask how you supported yourself before? I know rents can go up quickly which makes it hard to meet your expenses. If you do find a home for yourself your husband will need to contribute to the care of your child. Again, check this with the lawyer. It may give you a little more money.

[Tynk]

Hi Sadmum85,

It's not surprising you're feeling as you do. My experience is similar and I recognise the rollercoaster of emotions: distress, hope, disappointment, fear, loss of self. It can become a cycle. But, I can see you're strong and can get through this.

My husband is alcoholic. Some years into our marriage, he lost control of his drinking then began taking other drugs. The person I thought I knew changed from Dr Jevkyl to Mr Hyde.

Like you I separated, tried again several times - each time hoping. When things became intolerable my husband wouldn't leave my house either. Finally my neighbours called the police.

His family was aware of his self-destructive patterns of behaviour. I didnt know this. I think they were all hoping that with our marriage things would change - denial all round. Finally it seems to become too hard for everyone.

There's shame attached to addiction and those who have not experienced its ramifications often don't understand the rollercoaster and the depletion and inner conflict of spouses.

Remember that you are a good person and you do have strength.

Only the person with the addiction can fix it. In the end, it's not your fault or your responsibility.

I still love the "good" husband but know its not healthy for me to re-establish the relationship.

In Perth there's an organisation called Holyoake whose purpose is to help both those with an addiction and those associated with the addict. I used their services even after the split. They run courses, workshops, group sessions and counselling. It's free. Ask your doctor if there's something similare near you.

I joined a community choir - no audition needed. It's friends, a great circuit-breaker for the swirling thoughts.

Al-Anon, is a self-help group, the cousin of Alcoholics Anonymous, for folk with family of an alcoholic.

You might be able to get free help from Legal Aid or a community legal service.

If money gets tight for a while can family help?

I dont know your son's age. Your time might be an issue. Can friends help out occasionally? Parents of his friends perhaps?

This forum is a good support. There is only so much friends want to hear.

I found it's taken me some time to unwind the levels of emotion associated with the trauma and the losses. I kept a diary and on the occasions I reread it, I'm surprised by things I understood earlier but rediscover with a deeper understanding now. It's quite a journey.

Take care. Be good to yourself. Know you are strong.

[Tynk]

Hi Sadmum,

You might find a discussion on ABC TV "The Drum" tonight (24.6.19) useful.

Best wishes