Should I disclose sexual abuse to my new psych?

[Emma77]

Ok, I know what answer my question is probably going to get, so I’ll rephrase it. Does anyone here agree that it’s ok to NOT disclose CSA to a psychologist? I saw a new psych for the first time last Monday, and of course, she wanted my family history. When I started to touch on it, just a tiny bit, she had lots of empathy and pointed out how strong I was to survive it. Seriously, hadn’t even scratched the surface. I know the fact that I don’t want to talk about it shows that I haven’t processed it, but I’m just so tired of telling people about the abuse, and them telling me that’s what causes my anxiety and panic. Because I can’t change being a survivor of abuse, and if that causes the anxiety, then I can’t cure the anxiety, so what’s the point.

Sorry, I know there’s a lot here. I’m still trying to digest my decision to not tell her.

[white knight]

Hi Emma, welcome

I cant see how not telling her would allow her to help you to her full potential.

I have had 3 psychs in my life and always been totally honest with them. Once I wanted to conceal some personal information eg I was embarrassed the I had owned so many cars in my then short adult life. I'd been harassed in the military about it. When I finally told him he linked that behaviour to my illness, bipolar. Who would have thought.

You have nothing to lose. Thete should be no secrets at your sessions. Open up. It will likely lead easier to a happier life.

Be brave. You owe it to yourself, the best chance.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Emma, a very good question, but I can see that you feel uncomfortable telling your psychologist straight away about this terrible sexual abuse, I can understand that, but firstly can I say, is that she has total empathy with you and that's definitely what you need, you need to form a good trustworthy r/ship with her, and by her empathising with compassion means that she wants to help you.
You don't have to tell her immediately, just form confidence with her, and let her know all your peripheral issues, and once you feel you can find comfort in her, then you should tell her about this terrible sexual abuse, she definitely has to be told, otherwise your therapy may not achieve everything you want, because obviously this is a reason why you are feeling the way you do.
If you like you could ask her views about sexual impropriety, which I know she is going to feel that something awful has happened with you, but approach the topic when you are ready and you could tell her, 'yes something happened but I'm not ready to talk about it just yet', a good way to make her more astute of the topic, which means she will approach it very carefully, but you need to tell her, so that you can recover. Geoff.

[Ken1]

Hey Emma,

What you disclose is always your choice - whatever you choose is okay!

I get the not wanting to tell the story thing because when I had depression and anxiety I jumped from therapist to therapist having to reexplain myself over and over and it was exhausting and unnecessarily painful. I hated it. But like Geoff has said, you probably won't get far if you don't. But I understand to an extent why you don't want to.

You're correct in that you can't change being a survivor of abuse - but I wouldn't shut out being able to recover from anxiety, whether that's caused by your abuse or not. I guess that's like saying, 'I'm a survivor of a car accident which caused my broken leg, therefore my leg will always be broken.' I get that physical comparisons are totally different but the leg can heal, maybe not fully, but that car accident - or abuse in your case, doesn't have the power to abduct the rest of your life and happiness.

Can I also sugget, try not to totally set yourself on a decision about sharing things with your psych. Maybe keep an open mind about it, that way, if the time arises and you feel it's right to tell her, then you can. You won't have this voice in your head that is saying, 'But I decided not to.' Make a decision for right now, but not forever. That's what I'd suggest.

You don't have to listen to any of that! It's your call. I don't know what's best, hell, do any of us? All I'm trying to say is that closing yourself off and deciding that you can't heal from anxiety can limit your life in a way that you don't deserve.

I haven't been through any form of abuse, but I've fought anxiety and depression long and hard. I really believe in your fight.

[Quercus]

I can’t change being a survivor of abuse, and if that causes the anxiety, then I can’t cure the anxiety, so what’s the point.

Hi Emma,

Those words struck such a chord in me.

Your experience sounds a thousand times more horrific than my own but I'm familiar with this feeling.

Talking about it, reliving it over and over has made me feel worse. It brings up all the guilt and shame and fear and rage and helplessness and self hate and disgust that I've tried to bury and forget. Part of me thinks what is the point of this? He has destroyed me anyway can't I just plod along and try survive as I've always done?

It was easier to bury it and blame post natal depression and chronic pain and pretend that nothing ever happened. And secretly feel shattered and utterly broken apart inside.

For me the point of dragging it all up was I'm so tired of just surviving and watching everyone else live. I'm sick of letting him control my future as well as my past. I'm sick of letting him control how I feel about myself. I agree with others that part of getting better is getting all that sickness out in the open.

But. I don't want to focus on the abuse forever. I don't want people to see me as a victim forever. So I wont. I know I have to discuss it with my psychiatrist. But he knows that MY focus is how to deal with it. How to change how I think of it. How to rebuild my self esteem. How to redirect the anger and rage where it deserves to go not at myself.

Personally I don't think you're wrong at all for wanting to talk about other things. You are more than the abuse you suffered. My suggestion would be tell the psych that you don't want to dwell on reliving the abuse you want to focus on how you can manage the feelings and issues from it. To get the most from your therapy I don't think you can avoid the topic but you can tell your psych reliving it doesn't seem to help you and ask for a different approach.

[Emma77]

Hi Tony, welcome to you too, and thank you for your comment.

“You have nothing to lose.” Well, that’s not really true. Discussing the abuse can cause flashbacks which means I lose appetite, and lose sleep, and lose the ability to function in my day to day life. And if there’s no productive outcome, then I could lose the desire to treat the anxiety, and the things that are actually impacting my life, at all. I’m glad that you opening up about your ‘then’ problem was helpful for you, but I don’t think it’s really comparable to discussing trauma from 30 years ago. And it’s not like I’ve never told a psych my history (more than 3 times). I’m just not sure when it stops being relevant.

Hi Geoff,
I appreciate your advice. I’m still not sure that I HAVE to tell her, but you’ve made me realise that I’m telling myself that it has to be now or never. And as you said, I can wait until there’s a more solid relationship, and it doesn’t have to be a direct disclosure, but rather see how she might react to it first.

Hi Ken,
Both you and Geoff are so right about not making a ‘forever’ decision. Which I have a bad habit of doing. And I like your car accident analogy. But I guess mental is always different than physical. With a car accident, the breaking of the leg stops when the car stops crashing. But if you’re scared to get behind the wheel again, well you keep reliving that accident over and over and you can’t just put it in a cast for 6 weeks and wait for it to
repair itself. “You don't have to listen to any of that! It's your call. I don't know what's best, hell, do any of us? All I'm trying to say is that closing yourself off and deciding that you can't heal from anxiety can limit your life in a way that you don't deserve.” I have listened to all of this, because you’re right. I really appreciate it 🙂

Quercus – thank you SO much. I too feel like I’m surviving rather than living. But I don’t know how much of that is the abuse, and how much is the anxiety. Or maybe they’re the same thing now? I’m not sure that my experience is worse than yours at all. Because it’s like hearing my own words when you talk about burying the shame and rage, etc. I just want to pretend that it’s not there, as it’s the only way that I know how to function. It’s the only way I can stop being a victim. To be more than just the abuse.

[Quercus]

Hi Emma77,

I'm glad you could relate to my post (and also angry you had to even experience CSA!). Have you been able to read other threads on the PTSD and trauma section? Unfortunately there are a lot of people who relate to how we feel. And it might help to read more about how others have dealt specifically with CSA. But I'm also really pleased if my words help you too.

I'm at the start of the journey. Have only just disclosed to my psychiatrist and am two weeks into psychotherapy. It's been very helpful so far. Have you tried something like this?

I found sitting eye to eye I'd perform and not say what I wanted to say. In this therapy he sits at the back of the room and lets me talk to the wall. I was surprised how different that feels. No tears at all just endless anger and rage and swearing. All directed at myself. It's been eye opening actually that it's not as much the act themselves as how I don't value myself as a human being. And that is a problem I CAN work on. Little steps to improve self worth and self esteem. What are your thoughts on this, I would value your opinion.

Thinking of you Emma77. We are more than the abuse. There is so much more to us than that.

PS I adore your picture! Jane! Man I was absolutely shattered when my husband introduced me to Firefly and only told me it had been cancelled when I asked for the second season (sobs even at the memory of utter devestation).