Sexual assault is one of womanhood's darkest, most unreported rites of passage

[PrincessMilktea]

It happened to me again tonight. I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised it happened - or that I'd be blamed for it. Why was I chosen? Why was I made to feel unsafe in my own body? Scared of my own shadow? We're taught to cover up, get home before dark, watch our drink, re-think that mini-skirt, keys between the knuckles - ritualised surrender to the reality of sexual violence and misogny.

I can't walk anywhere now with someone behind me without my heart thundering, my blood rushing to my ears, my mind haunted with flashbacks. I can't tell my man why I'm simultaneously aroused yet ghastly afraid of the very things that make him so attractive to me, of his larger muscle mass, those meaty, square-tipped fingers that could just as easily bestow violence as they did rapture. I can't tell him that I can't associate sex without violence and violence without men.

I can't tell him those things because he'll just look at me with some mixture of sympathy and confusion, the one worn by a bystander observing a reality he will never face but understands on a rational level, exists. And sure, men are raped by other men too, and in some ways this serves as a larger humiliation for the male ego, yet the acute vulnerabilities exclusive to women, but absent in men, makes the threat far more proportional and unimposing for the latter. Men will never experience other men the same way women experience men, and in this decoupling, is why discussions of rape culture and patriarchy will always be mediated through the fear of the victimised and the indifference of the invulnerable as she negotiates her worth on his deaf ears. There is no fairness in this. No justice.

And though I'm harrowed by my experiences with sexual assault and male indifference to it - I know that when he asks me later tonight if I'm doing okay, it'll send a deluge of shame down my spine for having thought so ill of him, even in generality. 

Time for a cry.

[PrincessMilktea]

Hey sbella2,

Thanks so much so the kind words and advice, I find it really helpful and encouraging during these rough times. 

I have considered going to therapy many times in the past but have always bailed out last minute because of my anxiety, shame and self-loathing. It's difficult for me to seek help, I always end up convincing myself that I'm better off being my own therapist because nobody else can deal with or understand me, and that I'm fine (even though I'm probably not). I realise that this is unhealthy, and that therapy is likely what I need, but unfortunately rationally knowing something isn't the same as emotionally believing it to be true, if that makes sense. 

I totally agree with everything you've said though, and I do keep a journal. Usually I'd write what I posted here into that journal, but for some reason I didn't do that this time. Perhaps I felt sick of silently licking my wounds in the dark and wanted to be heard.
So thank you for hearing me, means a lot x

[sbella02]

PrincessMilkTea,

Thank you for your reply, it's nice to hear from you again. I understand all the difficult feelings that can be associated with going to therapy - the inner conflict, the sense of shame. In all honesty, you don't have to go if you don't feel up to it. There are other self-care things that you can do in the meantime (like journalling) to put your mind at greater ease and help to better prepare you for the future, if you do decide you'd like to try again with therapy. 

Sometimes it feels nice to be heard, or to talk to someone who'll listen and understand what you're saying and feeling. I'm glad that you've found comfort in the community forums, that makes me happy.

Take care and as always, please don't hesitate to reach out. We're here for you.

SB

[Baileysmells]

I understand, some people just don't have the emotional perplexity to understand how to react. Me personally I have no idea what to do if someone close to me cries bar from trying humor.

I have two sisters, I've noticed the way men act around them when they're very drunk and it makes me sick honestly. It makes me tired to hear what is had to be dealt with as a woman. To be have to be worried about something as simple as a night walk.

Try and surround yourself with people who give you that sense of comfort, I can't speak for your partner and it may not put much into motion but maybe you should tell him about what you told me, how you feel when being vulnerable around him. His reaction + actions will be productive for you either way (:

Sorry I hadn't seen the notification until now. You know what, if it won't feel like a surrender, yeet those mf clothes; who needs em!

Hope things are looking up even slightly