I feel like I’m trapped in a cycle I can’t get out of.

[moss_on_a_rock]

Hi all. I’m currently without housing security, have no car, no license, no money and no support system.

I’m 24F and have lived with extreme agoraphobia and subsequently depression since I was 13. I also suffer from C-PTSD, fibromyalgia, OCD and am on the spectrum (just found out recently and my family won’t accept/believe it and think I am just “lazy”.

I finally got out of my small town again after having to leave the city due to my mental health being awful. I was living with my best friend and my beautiful cat in a great apartment, and, for the most part, I was happy for the first time in a long time.

I still couldn’t work due to my agoraphobia, but I loved being in the city. I felt confident and beautiful, and ready to date.

I met a man who what I know know as “lovebombed” me, before I knew it, he had upset some pretty rough people and he manipulated me by telling me that if I didn’t come with him, he wouldn’t speak to me again. I was so scared and confused that I left with him to his home place 12 hours from my own. 

Within a month he beat me and my father begrudgingly picked me up, believing it to be my own fault.

Now I’m living back in my home town, in someone I went to school with’s backyard.  I can’t/don’t want to get out of bed. My relationship with my best and only true friend I lived with has fallen apart. I am terrified of everyone and everything. My accomodation situation is becoming toxic, but I have no money to move and start again. I have been in treatment for 10 years, on every medication under the sun, have been in mental health units long and short term with no improvement, had 25 rounds of TMS and 9 rounds of ECT and Centrelink still won’t put me on the Disability Support Pension and have rejected me twice. Apparently I need a $500+ Autism assessment before they can accept it, despite my conglomerate of diagnoses. I’m just another product of the failed system at this point, and I’m worried I’ll become a statistic. I can’t even afford nutritious food for myself, let alone a $500 assess.

I want to start a GoFundMe so I can get my assessment and money for a security deposit in a sharehouse but I am just full of shame. The only thing keeping my alive is my kitty. 
 

I just don’t know what to do.

[Sophie_M]

Hey moss_on_a_rock,

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing your story here. It sounds like a really difficult time, and we can hear you're feeling really misunderstood and unsupported. 

Hopefully we'll hear from the amazing community, once someone spots your post. In the meantime, we just wanted to pop in and let you know that this is absolutely something you could speak to the Beyond Blue Support Service about, on 1300 22 4636 or online. The counsellors are lovely and understanding, they can be really good to talk it through with, and they might have some referrals or ideas for getting more support with these challenges. 

It sounds like you have somewhere to stay right now, but we'd recommend checking out AskIzzy to see if you can get some support with the housing situation. AskIzzy connects people in need with housing, a meal, money help, family violence support, counselling and much more. It is free and anonymous, with thousands of services listed across Australia.

Thanks again, and well done for sharing here. This is a judgment-free space, so please feel free to share, knowing that you'll be met with understanding.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Moss_on_a_rock~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here. I'm glad you have already met her as Sophie does give good advice, as well as being friendly.

Reading though all the things you have to face, now and in the past I simply can't understand your family's view, there is nothing there that is your fault. Quite the reverse, life has handed you a very hard time and no way to get out of it that's obvious or simple.

Now I have to say I've a bit of admiration for you - even if you find that surprising. Despite all the problems such as CPTSD, agoraphobia, OCD, depression and the rest you are thinking in terms of what to do. That's great as many simply get stuck, totally discouraged by Centrelink's attitude.

So an other assessment, even an expensive one is a possibility. I'm afraid I don't know anything about this particular GoFundMe crown funding organisation, but provided you haven't signed up for anything that will cost you money I think it might be a good thing as it gives you some control over your life. (Please let me I stress I don't know anything about the pitfalls of crowdfunding).

Yes trying to overcome feelings of shame, stigma and personal low regard is hard, but you do not have to convince everyone. There are many others who have been in a similar situation and they will understand exactly.

It's is a real pity about your good friend. Do you think in time that rift might be healed? I've thought in the past I've gone too far and wrecked a friendship - only to discover later that the person was more on my side than I'd thought.

OK after all the serious stuff can you tell me something about you cat? They are wonderful companions. I've got Sumo Cat sitting by my left elbow on the couch (his favorite position on his favorite plush blanket). His eyes are closed but he's busy "supervising"

If you would like to talk again I'd like that

Croix

[Bob_22]

Hi moss,

As Croix mentioned, you should know you are incredibly strong despite being dealt a rough hand. Like you, I have spent some time couch surfing and am aware of the anxiety that comes with it. Couch surfing is a very common form of homelessness for young people (especially women) who might have experienced domestic or family abuse. However, because this form of homelessness is hidden, many young people struggle with feelings of shame when reaching out. Fortunately, there are services available. Firstly, have you considered applying for Youth Allowance from Centrelink? I ask because this is what I used when I was below 25 to source some money. Sophie also mentioned AskIzzy which generates a range of services that could be of use to you including 1800Respect. If you are in NSW, there is also Link2Home on 1800 152 152 which is a homelessness information and referral phone service. If you are Vic based there is a directory of services here on the government website. 

I'm sorry that your relationship with your best friend has fallen apart. I have burned a lot of close relationships (especially in my youth) and am aware of how isolating and detrimental to your self worth it can be. I have spent a lot of time questioning myself and trying to move on from things I've done and regret. Fortunately, in time and as you get older a lot of these wounds heal and rifts will close. Losing and forming close relationships seems to be part of the maturing process and you come out with a greater understanding of what healthy relationships feel like. I mention this but am aware that it may be little consolation for you. But for now, if I were in your shoes I would focus on the close relationships I do have and also try to find stable accommodation. Try to take things one step at a time and please update us here on how you go. Remember, you're not alone. 💙

[moss_on_a_rock]

Hi Bob,

Thank you so much for your kind words, and for highlighting the ongoing homelessness crisis among young Australians. :’(

I have been on Centrelink for five years, on JobSeeker as they refuse to put me on the disability pension even after numerous psychiatrists and psychologists have given written evidence that I can’t work. I’ve never been to a Centrelink appointment, I’ve always had a medical certificate.

Thank you for all the numbers and information - unfortunately I am in a country town with little to no resources. 

[Bob_22]

Hi moss_on_a_rock,

No worries at all. Thank you for updating us here and for your feedback. I'm sorry you're still struggling to get on the disability support pension. It seems they have really strict criteria and I myself couldn't get approved for it so I resorted to applying for Youth Allowance at the time. 

No worries about the services. 1800Respect does have online web chat if you wanted to speak to someone online if that's any better. Additionally AskIzzy will generate services specific/closest to your area, although I'm not sure how many will be rural. 

Please keep us posted and I hope your living situation improves. In the meantime we are always open for a chat and you can contact the counsellors with Beyond Blue at any time. 💙

Bob