Seeking Advice

[Nix]

Hi all, 

I am currently seeking advice on if I should reply to my past abuser (who is also my older sister), who reached out to me today.
I've been having pretty bad nightmare about her since I found out other family members are back in contact to "Give her a second chance". For her to suddenly message me when we haven't spoken in many years has thrown me in a loop.
My question is, is it worth the closure to hear what she has to say?

Thank you for your time.

[Scared]

I think it is worth the closure providing that you are strong enough and able to cope with this.   I think it fair that you can set some ground rules for your protection and establish boundaries.  But in saying this you feel not strong and it could damage you then maybe you have to put yourself first and no one can blame you for that.   My personal opinion is if we want people to forgive us then we need to be able to forgive others.   

[Fiatlux]

Hi guest,

I am so sorry for you. I have been in a similar position with my siblings and giving them a second chance to make amends only reminded me of why I severed ties with them.

My older sister was extremely abusive and is still in denial about the abuse, so it is not worth it for me to have any contact with her.

My older brother too is in denial about his abuse and appalling behaviour and treatment of me, that he hasn’t changed his ways. He blamed me for being too sensitive. He physically and sexually abused me when I was just 8 years old. As adults he continued his emotional abuse.

My younger sister financially abused me and just about everyone else she could con into lending her money. I severed ties with her and she continued to financially abuse my elderly mother. She passed away about 18 months ago and owed several people a lot of money. She almost drained my mother financially.

Have a good hard think about the abuse she subjected you to and whether you ready to forgive as you will never forget. For me having contact with my abusers only bought up the trauma for me once again. The abusers in my case, never acknowledged the abuse or the harm they inflicted.

I know that I cannot change the past but I have chosen to cut them out of my future. 

Be brave and remember that you come first. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Nix]

Hi, Fiatlux,

I'm really sorry to hear what you went through with your siblings, no one ever deserves to go though something like that.

My older sister was one of many who did long term CSA, and would also mentally and physically abuse me too. For some reason, her sexual abuse affected me the hardest and really messed up my sexual orientation journey (I felt like I couldn't be a lesbian because having interest in women would make me predatory). 

She's never once apologised and was still in contact with our biological father who did awful things.

The only reason I found out that the rest of my family is in contact is because my youngest sister (who I was raising until I was forced to move out because of my mums abuse and trans/homophobia) texted me. It hit me like a gut punch honestly. 

If I'm being honest with myself, I am extremely curious in what she has to say but I don't think it's worth the cost of my mental health deteriorating further. If the nightmares are anything to go by, contact might not be for the best.

Thank you so much for your insight and sharing. I think it has really put things into perspective for me. 

Thanks a lot, Nix

[Fiatlux]

Hi Nix,

You will never get an apology. I found myself apologising to them. I have done nothing wrong. I just ended the cycle of abuse. Even now I wonder if any of them ever thought about their actions and treatment of me? 

They constantly made excuses for their behaviour and would tell other family members that I was a snob?

My son now 27 asked me why I hate my brother. I replied that I don’t hate him. In fact it is my brother who must have hated me. I think they are afraid that I may divulge the abuse, causing them humiliation. So I think they are just fine with me keeping quiet and out of their lives.

Anyway I apologised to them if I have ever caused them harm. The apology was never reciprocated so I closed the door them.

Take care of yourself 🙏🏼 Fiatlux