Saying what is on my mind (Trigger warning: sexual abuse)

[Matala]

I was sexually abused when I was a child by a step retaliative (my grandmothers parter). I had a difficult time through my teenage and early adult years. I am now 32 and had since found a certain amount of acceptance.

I disclosed the abuse to family when I was 15 where I was told if my grandma left him he would go overseas and I would never be able to prosecute. At the time I thought I would eventually go to the police, but as time passed I didn't ever have the courage to do that, I told my grandmother how I felt but for some reason she continued to stay with him. When I was about 21 I decided that I couldn't continue to see my grandmother if she continued to live with him. My immediate family also cut off contact with her at this time too. So I spent many years wondering if I would ever see my grandma again. Last year I did found out that he died, and so, I spent about 6 months thinking of making time to see her again but deciding to put it off. About 3 months ago I decided to go and see her as I was worried that if I didn't do it soon then I might not ever see her. I have been very conflicted about this, one part of me is really happy to have her back in my life and the other part is extremely angry and confused regarding her choice to stay with him. When I do speak to her she sounds truely happy to hear from me but will sometimes brings him up casually, she has early dementia so I am not sure she realises how uncomfortable that would make me feel. It I know that she loves me dearly, which make it so hard for me to understand why she stayed with him and how she could have maintained any kind of relationship with him.

Anyway, my brother recently split with his wife and for some reason memories from the abuse that I usually have have been feeling allot more distressing. I also had an experience where I saw someone on Monday who looked like him and it made me feel very uncomfortable.

[Zeal]

Hi Matala,

I am sorry to hear of the abuse you suffered from your Grandma's (now-ex) partner. I am glad you found the courage to disclose the abuse to your family as a teenager. Making that decision at 21 (and having your family's full support) was brave, and I'm glad you were able to make this decision for your own psychological wellbeing.

It's great that you have been able to now reconnect with your Grandma, and that it is apparent how much she enjoys hearing from you. Having your Grandma mention her ex must be emotionally challenging. Because of her Dementia, this is almost unavoidable. My Grandpa has Dementia too.

It's sad that your brother split up with his wife. Are you and your brother quite close?

I recommend seeing a counsellor about the distressing thoughts and feelings connected to the past abuse. If the unresolved emotions are not dealt with, then certain triggers (e.g. seeing someone who looks like him) will cause distress/discomfort.

It would be great to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Matala]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I am not that close with my brother, but I really care about him and his children, so, I hope that they will be ok.

When I was younger I did talk to a psychologist about the abuse. I see a psychologist now, but I haven't spoken to her about it. I am seeing her tomorrow, I know that it would be best to tell her, but I am kind of worried about doing that.

[Zeal]

Hey Matala,

You are very welcome!

That's great that you care so much about your family. My family are important to me too 🙂

I am glad you are seeing a psychologist currently, and have an appointment tomorrow. It is understandable that talking about traumatic situations from the past concerns you. However, it is crucial that the psychologist knows this information, as it will help her to give you the best psychological support she can.

If for whatever reason you do not talk to your psychologist about the abuse tomorrow, talking to a mental health worker over the phone or online could be the first step. There is info on who to contact for sexual abuse support here: http://au.reachout.com/sexual-assault-support

I hope the appointment with your psychologist is helpful 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Little_K]

Hi Matala, welcome to beyond blue. Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry to hear you went through that. I also was abused when i was younger, so j know how hard it was for you to tell your story.

You have shown such strength in contacting your grandmother and the fact you can see how much happiness your grandmother is getting from talking to you shows how incredible strong and forgiving you are.

I know it is hard to understand why your Grandmother stayed with him. You may never know why she may not even know why she did. Please find slight peace in knowing you are a strong women and you are doing what so many (including myself) could never do.

I would like to suggest like others have done please speak to your Dr about you feelings as having a strong network of support people is important.

[geoff]

hello Matala, I am just so sorry for you to be abused at such a young age by someone who you always thought you could trust, but unfortunately this chap had no consideration to anyone except for himself, and as I've always said that I detest these people who take advantage of the young ones.
Now he has gone and won't be able to use his authority on anyone else.
It's always difficult to know why your grandmother decided to stay with him which she has not told anyone, so it could have been threats for her safety, but now as she has dementia the exact reason will stay hidden away.
She obviously loves you as you do with her, but a barrier was put up because she did stay with him and didn't believe you or want to believe you about what happened, so this must hurt you especially when his name is mentioned, but now this abuser has gone, however this still isn't going to make it any easier for you.
With your brother splitting up with his wife is bringing back your past thoughts because anything bad that does happen is because you have PTSD so this is something that you need to talk to a psychologist about, on how you are able to stop these past memories from reoccurring, and this is important for you. Geoff. x

[Matala]

Thank you to everyone. Your replies were really helpful and helped me to motivate myself to talk to my psychologist.

I feel allot better that she knows and that I can get help to work on these issues. I have been feeling low and kind of guilty today for not saying anything to my psychologist earlier.

I have generally been feeling anxious about how I am feeling. At the moment I can't seem to find a reason why I have these feelings and what I can do to not feel this way. I think that trying to do things that I enjoy is kind of helping. I guess I my psychologist will help me to learn to manage these feelings.