Evil PTSD trap

[drunkwitness]

Im an emergency service worker (11 years) dealt with the worst of the worst

Diagnosed with PTSD (cumulatively building over my career), depression and anxiety

Im really struggling day to day at the moment. I find it hard to do daily tasks including getting out of bed and other basic things like showering or engaging with anybody. I feel like its all too much at the moment and I've really had enough of feeling the way i do. Reaching out to others to maybe hear it does get better and it does pass. Each persons journey is unique i understand but interested in hearing other stories. Im nervous about the future. I don't know what to do.

I had an episode in February 2016 after a disgusting week at work. Engaged with my psychiatrist and was hospitalised for 2 weeks. was taking anti-depressants for 2 years prior and whilst in hospital was prescribed medication and another anti-depressants along with medication for sleep and anxiety.

I was off work for 5 months and attempted to return to work but my anxiety and PTSD made sure i failed so im off work again.

I have practised mindfulness and constantly see my psychiatrist, psychologist and GP. Do behavioural therapy, read literature, even tried going to the gym for a couple of months.

Some thoughts that keep swarming are:
I am falling apart
I have no future I have lost something I will never find gain
I am not my old self
I am helpless
I have been damaged forever

I have confusion, lack of concentration and feelings in day to day life
Fear , guilt and shame are regular.

I have a very supportive partner and two kids but at the moment i feel like my condition is so mentally exhausting not only for me but my partner and family.

[Cornstarch]

I don't know where you live, and this program isn't appropriate for childhood trauma, but for PTSD for emergency responders & veterans they have a program in NSW at St John of God Hospital in Richmond. I've never met anyone that has done it but if you're desperate maybe you could make enquiries.

It sounds like you are trying everything so I don't want to lecture you, or say hey try this, try that, this worked for me. It's a horrible feeling when nothing works, the despair is real.

I don't know how you are still doing that job.

PTSD treatment is very slow even when the trauma is over, let alone when you are being re-traumatised and triggered by the environment.

The ideal would be to have a lot of tim off or change jobs. But the problem is that may not be practical or financially feasible.

I am ignorant of emergency services respite programs and employee benefits. Can they offer extended leave until you figure out if it is humanly possible to continue in this profession?

[drunkwitness]

Hi cornstarch im in melbourne. Ive made enquiries with a PTSD clinic however it sounds like they engage you with counsellors and psychology sessions which i am already doing.

Maybe your right and it just takes a lot of time. My current financial position will probably see me try to return to work again.

I have thought about changing jobs but at the moment i cant seem to do much at all. Basically i have another 6 months before i have to make some pretty tough decisions. In saying that i hope the time off does help me heal The despair is real at the moment though

[MarkJT]

Drunkwitness, also an Emergency Services worker (coppers). I reckon you best served to head over to the Topic: PTSD for Medical and First Responders. Some really good threads in there and you will find my story which is pretty similar to yours.

For the time being until you read my story, PTSD is not a life sentence. You can recover.

Look forward to hearing more from you.

Cheers

Mark.

[Cornstarch]

I'm not familiar with Victoria but maybe if you called St John in NSW they could suggest something down your way.

Completely understand re: the despair. There is no chemical help that is allowed to be prescribed long term for memory recall, flashbacks, nightmares, hyper-arousal at the drop of a hat, jumping out of your skin, pacing in your bedroom.

I hate this word, 'co-morbid', but if you have concurrent depression with PTSD maybe you will receive some therapeutic benefit and it would be worth a try, trying something else.

There is just some sh*t the human eye/mind is not meant to see/consider/feel/process.

No-one questions war veterans never recovering from the first or second world wars and yet you would have seen the same horrors. There's a double standard. Apparently it is unacceptable to be the walking wounded. We make people uncomfortable.

I hate serving up 'advice' with something so confounding & debilitating as PTSD, but the only advice I could give is that maybe some really tough decisions will have to be made, in the sense that, there are no quick fixes. If someones tries to sell you a quick fix with PTSD, walk out and ask for your money back! It's rubbish and suspicious and quite frankly negligent.

Somehow, you will have to maximise your time outside in nature and with people that you trust and love. It sounds simplistic, but with PTSD you have to strip back sensory overload and minimise stress at all times. Your stress bucket is close to full 24/7 most likely.

I was on a really long walk the other day by myself out on the water with no-one around, and I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what is that feeling that washes over me. And I realised I think it is DREAD. A dread that is hard to describe.

People with PTSD have seen too much death, or come too close to their own death. That is the common feature.

It's almost like our consciousness spacks out and leaves our body. Only for us to hover above with a birds eye view of all human misery, aghast, and it says......too much!

It is just overload and overwhelm.

How old do you feel tonight?

I feel 367.

[drunkwitness]

Some wise words and sounds like you have a lot of helpful insight. Maybe i should invest in a bike and get outdoors. My stress bucket is full and i agree there is no quick fix. That's terrible about the feeling of dread when you are trying to do something peaceful/calm...I have seen a lot of death and have been in one specific incident which threatened my life, it is overwhelming

Im not looking forward to the tough decisions....... I feel 366 lol

[Cornstarch]

'Waiting to die'..........was meant to come later.

Not at the beginning.

That's my problem with dread.

I guess there after you live your life like a cancer patient. Buddhists would view that as a blessing or a 'sacred wound'. I'm telling ya' now it did not feel 'sacred' in the slightest.

Maybe it would help talking to your doctors about your threat to life. Maybe you already have.

But for me, that's where words show their anorexia and insufficiency. It's pretty god damn hard to put that feeling into clumsy 'words'.

We could all cycle Australia. Raise money for research. PTSD research in Oz is pathetic.

RE: your stress bucket. That's what I find so frustrating. The limitation. The stress bucket just overflows where others soar, shine and live with a lightness about them.

Or, become a Hipster. Drop work and sell shit at arts/farmers markets. You're not a nutcase, you're a hipster. Tell the clientele that.