Highly Sensative Person - Worthless, sad and alone.

[Bee-Jay]

I am hurting badly. I've had a crap year.

I have always been a highly sensitive person, I remember as a child crying a lot. I remember other kids in the school yard saying to me 'why do you always cry', I didn't know the answer.

60kgs at the age of 8, I didn't understand that was bad or not normal. I didn't buy the food, I didn't cook for myself ... How does an 8 yr old weight 60kg!?! It has lead to a life of morbid obesity.

I remember things (just a few) from my childhood that I wish I didn't ... yet they are just fuzzy enough for me to be filled with self doubt that they happened. This makes me feel usless as well.

I feel worthless. I feel like most of the people who are in my life must also feel that I am worthless.

Though not isolated to this but it was recently my 40th birthday and the worthlessness ive always felt but never acknowledged until this year, was reenforced by almost all of the people in my life I would have otherwise expected to want to make sure I had a special day,

That being said, there were a few angles who I think may have literally saved my life (namely my 6yr old while I adore but am fearful or not doing the best thing for him constantly... My brother who came from WA to NSW to surprise me and the ladies from my work who have witnessed my breakdown this year)... But my husband (who in the last few weeks I've come to realise is messed up as me) my so called best friends, my parents - none of them made any effort to ensure I felt special and valued and I can't get past it.

my whole life until earlier this year, I've gotten by telling myself I'm special and I am amazing and I'm a good person and friend and I do good things etc ... But I have nothing left in the tank and I feel like no one else can be bothered and im not worth the effort.

I wasn't cared for and protected the way I should have been when I was a kid. That's why I've made horrible choices and surrounded myself with people who don't value me ... I feel maybe there's nothing to value.

I write this and then want to delete it A I don't even feel I'm worthy of posting here but I am desperate and I have to try to help myself because no one else is going to do it (nor should they).

I want someone to wrap there arms around me, to tell me it is all going to be okay... And more than anything I want to feel/believe it!

[white knight]

Hi BJ, welcome

You and I have a lot in common. I'm 60yo and have endured the journey of sensitivity and obesity.

Google Topic: depression and sensitivity a connection?- beyondblue

Bad Childhood memories aren't good to recall. Most people that memories have a severe effect upon seek psych guidance. Other like me ...well I only needed a few visits to reveal the real problem. My sensitivity began around 12yo. I didn't see a connection that a few months beforehand my brother nearly drowned in our pool. He was 16yo and a diabetic and had a fit under water. I was traumatized as I'd pushed him over the edge of the pool to recovery. It resulted in me not speaking for 3 months. Fast track 43 years later with sensitivity emotional and anxiety issues and I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, depression, anxiety and....dysthymia. Dysthymia due to the dramatic event when I was 12yo. It all fell into place.

However, I've been a positive thinker for many years (Google Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue) and now realise there is some benefits in having a mental illness like entertainment ability, art and craft etc. If you google many stars of the world youd find many have a mental illness. Steven Fry, Vincent Van Gogh, Churchill etc all had issues.

Google Topic: bullies- beyondblue

Google Topic: so what are their mental illnesses- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Bee-Jay]

Hi Tony,

I appreciate your reply, thank you. Thank you for sharing also and I'm sorry for your pain.

Ive been to a psych this year, appears I scratched the surface off a pussy wound that just keep oozing & I can't put a bandaid on it anymore. That experience in itself also sucked - Perhaps it's just my 'issues' but in my last session (I have been broke & could only go with the 10 Medicare visits) I said I feel like I do nice stuff for people but noone ever does nice things for me (Meaning people who are meant to care about me which I'm sure she should have gotten from the 9 previous sessions) her response to that was 'You need to be careful about statements like always and never' (I do get that from a CBT perspective) then she went on to say "we do something nice for you every week when we bulk bill your appointments' ... I think that was less than helpful - to top it off, I now feel bad in a different way as I am often left thinking "maybe I'm just negative".

I appreciate the articles, really I do. I lived with the power of positive thinking for about 33 yrs - It got me through but being positive & looking at the bright side now feels like a mask for the hurt & worthlessness.

My trigger this year was being let down professionally by someone I cherished & respected. i felt unprotected & unloved, all the stuff from my childhood (I still deny it to myself & I will never know for sure, As I would never receive an honest answer if I asked). I was sexually abused by someone close. Not sure if it happened just the once I remember or if it was abuse that went on for years. The memory is from around the same time my weight became an issue. I look back on things from my childhood (relationships mainly) & now know they were not normal.

Ive lost weight several times in my life, but I always go back to being obease. i think I feel protected when I'm big.

I don't have an issue with strangers being bullies - I hardly use Facebook or other socialedia to be honest because there is so much rubbish and people being inauthentic. I'm not so worried about bullies, my issue is more just feeling undervalued by the ones who should love me.

i am struggling that all of this is coming up for me now ... I hate that I can't get a grip on my emotions. I hate that i don't feel the same sort of love that I put out coming back to me.

Brevity is not my strong point and I'm out of characters but thank you for reading and for your reply, Tony.

Best,

BJ

[Starwolf]

Good to meet you Bee-Jay,

Revealing our desperation takes courage. Something to be proud of...well done for reaching out to share your story with us. Your contribution here is much appreciated.

First of all, being useless doesn't come into fuzzy memories. Not remembering traumatic events is not something we consciously do. It is the brain's coping mechanism, an automatic, self-protective measure against potentially harmful awareness. Nothing to do with what you want or don't. It just happens.

My own abusive upbringing has left me in no doubt that there's nothing like it to warp our self-image. Being used/abused at a tender age leaves us believing that we don't matter, that our feelings and emotions aren't worth a thought. Unfortunately, self-image dictates many of our actions and reactions. A low sense of self-worth creates the need to compensate for our perceived inadequacy. Childhood abuse also blocks the normal process of emotional maturing. This can cause a pressing urge to feel safe and seek approval. This need often has the opposite effect ...it tends to keep others at bay though they may not be aware of what makes them want to step back. And so the vicious circle perpetuates itself.

You have good insight into your situation and deep down you know that you are not worthless and have in fact a lot to offer. Undermined self-worth and the lack of positive response around you make you doubt it. Sensitivity makes you vulnerable but it also comes with the gift of compassion and understanding. How could a sensitive soul be worthless ?

Your psych's remark was insensitive. Knowledge of brain mechanism (and its relationship with the mind) doesn't necessarily give professionals the compassion and understanding that can only come from direct experience of whatever sent it out of whack. It is the same with those around us. Not being aware of what frayed emotions and hypersensitivity feel like, they fail to tread carefully and often end up saying /doing things that are hurtful to us. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't care or don't love us (though this may sometimes be the case too !).

These forums are a good place to come to when there is "nothing left in the tank". Here you will find connections, caring and unconditional support. Most important, you will realize that you are not alone feeling the way you do and that your feelings do matter. You are welcome with open hearts.