lately a topic i hadn't thought about in a couple years has become prevalent again because i started opening up to a friend, for some time i've thought something happened to me as a child, that someone did something sexually inappropriate to me as a child. when i was 16 was when the idea and thought effected me the most because an incident happened when seeing family members, though the incident was small, what really effected me was how it made me feel, i completely sank into myself so much so that the world felt like it was closing in and i felt like i was going to throw up, it effected me so much after that because it felt like i was a child and i had no voice, and it took me to such a place that almost felt repressed, it felt like it dwelled up all this disgust and guilt and shame that was so familiar but i hadn't felt for a very long time. after the incident i just left the kitchen and went to my bed (we were staying in a rented home for a family members birthday ) the next day, i asked my dad to wear his hoodie even though we were in qld and i was sweating , but i just wanted to hide and get the rest of the day over with and go home, i started to feel guilty for wearing so much makeup and acting older than my age, but in hindsight i did feel a little nervous going there and that was my way of putting a mask on , by acting grown up. although to some it might seem insignificant it pushed me into a full blown thing for the next year because of the way it made me feel , it felt like such a trauma on my body that i was convinced something had happened when i was younger. other reasons before that i had thought something happened was because i used to feel unwell everytime i was in qld, the smell, the feeling of the air,when i was younger i would feel it and i tried to push it from my mind ( my dads side of the family live in qld and we would visit them every so often when i was younger) ive had body dysmorphia since i was as young as i can remember, i used to try starve myself when i was like around 7 id say and onwards, keep in mind i was a thin kid, i remember i used to get really uneasy unwell feelings around men when i was younger and male authority figures, like teachers, principles, bosses!! and i always for no reason feel slightly resentful and bitter towards them, like when someone makes you uncomfortable and your only defense is to disregard their character even when none of them did anything wrong and were all actually quite polite, even though this is the case a lot of my sexual thoughts were always around someone with authority. my dad was also kind of not great at times and didnt put us kids in the best of situations when we were young, because of a court order i wasnt even allowed to leave the state with him until i was seven, my mum has expressed a lot that she always worried something happened to me as a kid or something would . ive had bad anxiety control since i was a kid, i couldnt eat in public , starving myself comes up all the time in my life since i was a kid.
