Relationship mental and physical abuse

[Pirelli]

Hi everyone

I’m in my early 20s and I have been dating a girl who is 2 years younger then me we have been together for 1 and a half years and she is my first ever girlfriend, we love each other so much but we also do argue a lot most of the time over immature stuff and sometimes bigger stuff but very rairly. We have had a lot of trust issues along the way nothing got to do with cheating mostly hiding things from each other for example I don’t like my partner smoking marijuana but she tends to do a lot more behind my back with her friends that I always end up finding out which then cause big arguements which then sometimes leads into get abit physical from both sides, I’m not gonna sit hear and lie, anyway long story short over how whole relationship we started to notice my anger getting out of control and I feel Like the reason is because she aggravates me and pushes me to get to those stages, I tell her to stop and be quiet multiple times cause I feel like my anger is gonna take over but then she continues till it does take over, now it’s got to the stage where she has told her mother and sister about the abusive relationship we have, her mum has made it clear not to contact her ever again, but because we love each other we still do contact and we want this to work but I need help with my short temper and anger, I just don’t know how to get it? I need someone who has been through this or knows how to help me to guide me through this, I also want to know how I can get back in the good books of her family because they really did love me, and I loved them like my own family. Where can I get help?

thanks so much for reading and i really hope someone can help me

[Summer Rose]

Hi Pirelli

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story.

I think it took a lot of courage for you to share the details of your violent relationship. It's really positive that you recognise you have a problem and that you are willing to seek help to change your behaviour.

I'd like to suggest that you make a double appointment to see your GP. I think it would be beneficial to explain what's happening and get your doctor's advice on better stress and anger management techniques and a referral for further treatment.

Alternatively you can call Mensline on 1300 789 978. This is free and confidential telephone counseling service and the staff should be able to advise you. You can also call the bb support line for advice on 1300 22 4636.

Changing your behaviour is essential to your life and wellbeing; not to mention to your girlfriend's safety. I know you love her and likely won't want to hear this but I believe it would be best not to see each other until you've got your temper under control. What if you hurt her? What if you cause serious injury or worse?

It's not fair or right to risk her safety while you sort yourself out. You also mentioned that her mother has asked you to refrain from contacting her daughter and I belive you need to respect that, particularly if you ever want to get back into the family "good books".

It is possible for you to change and I applaud your willingness to try. I wish you every success. But I also encourage you to do what's right to protect your girlfriend and respect her family.

Kind thoughts to you

[Pirelli]

I understand that I need to leave her until this is all fixed but I find it really hard and I feel like it’s impossible, I really need her and want her and I never ever want to hurt her because I love her so much and knowing her Mum doesn’t want me to contact her ever again makes this a lot harder on me and is breaking me I feel like I don’t have a purpose anymore, I wish none of these fight ever happen and her mum never knew because it would be a lot easier to fix things but she has given me to many chance and this was the only option so I really don’t blame her, I just want to get help and show her I’ve got help and that I’m better but even when this is all fixed will her mum allow this? That’s the thought that keeps going through my head that’s making it harder

[Summer Rose]

Hi Pirelli

I understand that this situation is really hard for you. It must be scary for you to know that you are capable of hurting someone you love when it's not something you want to do. I know it hurts to think about losing your girl and I'm sorry for your pain.

Unfortunately, my friend, there is no way to sugar coat this: you must take responsibility for your actions and bear the consequences. Such is life.

We all make mistakes and go through this process. But what really matters, is that we learn and grow as a result. Remember that you are young and still figuring out what kind of man you want to be. I believe that with the right support and help that you can change. It can get better.

Perhaps it would help you to break the problem into chunks. First chunk, you seek help to change your behaviour. You need to do this to ensure you can have a respectful, healthy relationship in the future. It's also important to keep you out of the criminal justice system.

Second chunk, see if you can repair the relationship with your girlfriend. Third chunk, deal with the broader family issues.

I don't know if your girlfriend's mum will be able to forgive and trust you again. But I believe it best to focus for now on chunk one and let the rest unfold in time.

Do you have any male role models in your life that you could talk to? Friends or family that could support you on your journey? The more support you have, the better.

Kind thoughts to you