Relationship breakup due to suicide attempts

[Nashka]

Hi, I'm a newbie here reaching out for advise regarding the relationship with my now ex boyfriend. We have had a toxic relationship from the beginning. This was my first real relationship and I believed he was the one. But abuse snuck in and I put up with it. My two suicide attempts have been triggered by his lack of love and lack of caring and understanding. He has been hot and cold. I thought he was strong enough, and insisted he was, to help with my depression, anxiety, OCD and adjustment disorder. He then changed his tune and said it was too much and couldn't see a future with me. He is traumatized and has PTSD due to my attempts. I feel helpless because I have given my all to this relationship only to be left feeling even more alone and deserted than I did already.

[Nashka]

Hi Croix

Starting a blog has been difficult. I actually recorded a video while I was in the mental facility which I would love to upload to the blog. Then record more over time to see the progress, to help me and also anyone who may read the blog. I feel my experience of depression could help others. But I will take your suggestion and try to help people within the Beyond Blue forums first. I haven't found anyone that I could share my story or help yet.

I keep Ned's hair quite short, so he is like a larger Maltese doggy. He is a beautiful soul who loves me unconditionally. He will be ten in March. His cuddles and puppy dog eyes are what sometimes makes me think and see clearly.

I hope that things get better. It is an uphill battle. I spoke to someone else from the Brief Intervention team and felt so much better just letting things verbally spill out. I have people who love me, but the person who I want to support me more is still my ex. I will not contact him out of respect for myself and him. I read a quote about not chasing someone who is not chasing you. It resonated. I know there is hurt, but there is also love so time and space is perhaps what we both need. Right now I am not inclined to contact him because my three suicide attempts have clearly caused a huge impact on both of us. I'm not sure how we will work out our relationship; all I have right now is hope.

I am back at work tomorrow which will occupy my time for most of the day. I am grateful for that.

[Nashka]

You know its actually quite a unique situation we find ourselves in. So many people have illnesses that are visible. Mental illness is a silent illness. I feel guilt that I'm relatively healthy but am in destructive mode. I am harming myself and sometimes pray that I don't wake in the morning. Others who are ill are praying to stay alive. It seems unfair.

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

Yes I knew the feeling of not wanting to wake up again, however I'm well beyond that stage now, and I hope you get beyong it quickly too. Guilt is there undeserved and unasked for. You went so far as to say a physical illness is visible and allows people to account for and understand limitations. Nobody expects someone with a broken leg to do all the everyday things others do.

If one has diabetes one might have to explain why there are things one cannot do or consume. Mental illness is the same in that sometimes -to those with limited experience - an explanation needs to be give. Ideally from others, not from you.

You will want to be alive again, just as I do now, it is just it is hard to imagine from the place you are in now. I've no idea how your relationship will pan out, but a rest for now sounds a good idea.

I'm glad you see work as a respite, I did/do myself.

Croix

[Nashka]

Hi Croix

I visited my psychiatrist today and he prescribed further medication to help stop the urge to drink. I did still drink today though. My psych actually bluntly told me what and why my drinking habit was getting worse. I won't go into detail but it was a further wake up call. I really hope it stinks in. I'm lying to my parents about my drinking habit to protect them. I'm destructive to both myself and my relationship and really need to try harder to get my act together.

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

When hurting and full of grief it is easy not to see thngs as they actually are, so I think you are lucky to have a psych who is prepared to tell you bluntly what you are doing by drinking.

You talk of trying harder, do you think that might take the shape of contingency plans rather than just relying upon willpower and meds when the need to drink hits? If so what can you suggest?

You said "I'm lying to my parents about my drinking habit to protect them"

Um.

I"m not sure hiding your true condition from them is to their benefit - or yours. As a parent I'd need to know what sort of problems my offspring faced -and their severity - in order to know what to do. If I did not know what to do I'd find out, there are plenty of resources out there - your psych is a good starting point of course if you wished.

How do you feel about being open with them, then being able to lean on them honestly?

Croix

[Nashka]

Hi Croix,

The medication has actually helped me already. I feel better and have communicated with my ex without much negativity. I am not drinking and find the idea now quite repulsive. I feel like I have learned my lesson. I will open up to my parents if I relapse but my goal for 2020 is to stay sober and healthy 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Nashka~

That's good news and I'm pleased for you. I don't think it is about "learning a lesson" which sounds like you have done something wrong -you haven't. It is about coping, and by the sound of it you are getting there.

The doctor, the meds, recognizing problems and better communication all show the metal in you.

Please do not think me gloomy if I mention that for most of us, me included, there are ups and downs, and if things do not go right for a while it is not a defeat, just an episode in a journey where your progress is good overall.

I'm glad you are thinking of including your patients if there is a down, being wiht people really does help

Croix