Realizing you're not a good person is difficult, but also makes your brain feel better

[Earth Girl]

Sorry if I sound crazy or if this makes anyone cringe. 

I wasn't sure were to post this, but I guess I was just wondering if anyone has any advice or something especially since I'm worried I'm going to fall back into old, really bad habits which has happened before (I think last year). 

I finally have realized why so many people who know me in real life say I'm not a good person. Learning more about taking accountability, doing more inner work and thinking about what kind people would do if they were in my situation has helped me grow more as a person. It's also super helpful when people directly explain to me what I'm doing wrong in a way that is easy for me to understand, especially since I don't know what a lot of words mean and often can't tell when people are talking about me specifically when talking about people online.

I have vulnerable narcissism. It hurts when people know I'm bad, but it also hurts when people think I'm a really good person. When I was in school, since I was so shy, people kept telling me how good and perfect I was all the time. Even though I knew it wasn't true, I internalized it. When I was in school, it felt good, but as I matured more, it started feeling really bad. Even a few months ago, someone said to me "You don't have a mean bone in your body - you're too lovely." Which isn't remotely true so um... Ouch!? I know she was being nice, but even nice, well intentioned compliments people give you can hurt if they don't know what you're really like. 

I don't want to continue being a mean, narcissist who keeps hurting people and can't even tell why things they do and say would hurt so much. Being a narcist isn't funny or "quirky" or anything like that - it's actually really cringe and just makes people feel bad. I don't know how to live with mean things I have done, especially the really mean stuff that I continued doing when I was in my 20's. My family would say I'm being too hard on myself, but I'm not. If I met someone who was just like me, I wouldn't like them.

Another thing that makes me feel bad is that while I have been through things that deeply hurt me, especially when I was a lot younger, there's other people who also live in the first world (I think that's what it's called) who would have gone through the same things who remained good. Some people who have been through really hard things even end up being very kind empaths. I shouldn't have just assumed what people may/may not have gone through. 

It's complicated because I don't enjoy being a loser, but my brain feels a lot better. I don't have DID, (I know that's something very different), but I feel like I have "personalities" in my head for lack of a better word and I occasionally feel them "moving around in my head", especially of recent. 

Since I wasn't nice, I wish I could at least do better now and start putting a lot of positivity into the world instead of crap, but I feel like it's too late. I've hurt so many people. I don't know if there are things I can do to put heaps of good back into the world to try to make up for at least some of my crap because I am not smart in multiple ways. I've done a bit of volunteer work (Saint Vinnies and the RSPCA), but I would like to try something different. The RSPCA was fun and rewarding, but I found it a bit stressful. I also feel like people usually don't like me at some places I go to and some of them make it obvious or talk about it in the back room. Some others think I'm really kind which also hurts. I just want to be normal.

[white knight]

Hi EG

I'll answer this one also. My mother and sister are narcissists and I've researched this extensively.

There are a lot of people that think they are narcs or people tag others as narcs but are not narcissistic. Behaviours that arent narcy are - letting out frustrations, means spirited but due to personal issues, negative nature (which can be changed), medium intelligence but lower than the smart ones that judge us and so on.

I matured late, at 17yo I joined the AirForce but I had the emotional maturity of 13yo. That immaturity played catch up till 50yo when at 50 I was the maturity of 50yo. So us individuals are unique and we all have our idiosyncrasies/defects/handicaps. Just some are never seen. I once said to a friend "you're much more healthier than me" to which he replied "you dont know". He was right, he had cancer and struggled to survive.

Self criticism goes two ways - it means you have insight which is an amazing quality but you also have a negative mindset that can be flipped onto a positive mindset. Once you flip it over you'll never think negatively about anything again and its an amazing way to live. 

You want people to like you. This is a big weight on your own shoulders. I learned a long time ago not to care about whether people like me or not simply based on the assumption "if they dont like me they dont know me" If they dont know me and prejudge me then thats their problem. EG you worked at the RSPCA, you like animals, that is an amazing quality. You have to be a good person. (see how I see you in a positive light?)

So how do you stop being "mean". Well, 1. always give people the benefit of the doubt. If you think they are being confrontational it could be just their mood, or upset over a family issue. In those occasions I ask "are you ok? you sound upset" Often they respond, "sorry, I shouldnt have answered you that way". Then you'll be liked more because you are showing you have benefit of the doubt.

There's often childhood reasons why we act like we do. That requires psychological treatment or similar and your GP or mental health provider can help. 

TonyWK

[Earth Girl]

Hi Tony, thanks for your reply!  

This is just my opinion, but I believe that part of the reasons why all narcissists act the way they do is because they have experienced some type of form of abuse and can be very mean spirited because of it and because they have deep rooted issues within themselves. Not all people who are hurt are really mean to other people though - at least not to the same extent. 

My parents don't seem like it, but they are a bit narcissistic (mostly behind very closed doors) as well because of what they have been through. It's like a long chain. 

Before I even knew what narcissism, especially vulnerable narcissism was, people would often talk to each other about how narcissistic I was which I found confusing because I didn't know exactly what it meant and even when I found out more about it, I didn't completely pick up on how I was acting that way myself for a while. 

I would judge people all the time, even over things they did when they were teenagers that weren't really a big deal. The reason why I judged people was because I didn't self-reflect on all the things that I was doing wrong and therefore was being unfair and very hypocritical. 

I may be being self-aware now, but just a few years ago, I wasn't very self-aware at all and when I was younger, I don't think I even knew how to try to be self-aware. 

I really don't like a lot of the things my family has done to me (I've done things to them too of course and we have all done mean things to each other) and I told myself I would never do those things to other people. Throughout my school years, except for year 12, they kept insulting me non-stop practically even when I hadn't done anything wrong and they would gang up on me. I can't even remember what they said because my mind blanked almost all of it out, but I remember crying while looking the other way to them and I remember talking about how lonely I was online because I didn't have any friends and they could tell that I was upset and asked me if I was okay which made me want to scream at them. People at school also said things after reading that like "She has her family though" because they don't know what was going on behind closed doors. 

My parents also belittle me, tell embarrassing and mean things about me to others and use violet shouting, especially when I was younger. My Dad knows most of the time that it would hurt my feeling when he belittles me and that's what he wants. Apparently, this is verbal abuse. I used to think verbal abuse was saying mean things about people, which it can be, but it is other things as well. 

I told myself I would never treat people the same way they treated me, but that's what I ended up doing and I took forever to take accountability for it. 

[Earth Girl]

It's sad that your friend had cancer. I would never have guessed that either whether or not I knew him. It's amazing what things people can be going through even if they seem okay. 

Thanks for seeing me in a positive light. 🙂 Most people don't see me like that which is okay and fair, but I just wished that I had been kinder to them. The reason why they don't see me positively at all was because I was really mean to them. I guess the good news is, since I'm 31, I can hopefully still become a good person who helps other people a lot. 

I like your advice on given people the benefit of the doubt and asking if they are upset because you're right, they could be sad about something else like a family issue or they just aren't in a good mood at the moment, and nobody is always in a good mood. 

I'm planning to see a counselor soon that will hopefully be able to help me with my narcissism problem and unresolved trauma, mostly through my childhood and teens. 

[white knight]

Its surprising how effective counsellors can be.

Again well done, 

TonyWK 

[Earth Girl]

Thanks again Tony. 🙂   

[therising]

Hi Earth Girl

I think one of the most challenging things to manage in life involves becoming more conscious. It can be challenging in a whole lot of ways but one of the greatest challenges involves becoming more conscious of our current and/or past behaviour. Kinda like 'I'm now far more conscious of how lacking in compassion I was, regarding other people. I feel terrible', 'I'm now more conscious of the pain I caused that person. I can't stand myself for having caused them so much pain' and so on. Better understanding the reasons for our past behaviour is a part of self forgiveness. Sometimes the hardest part of all can come down to not only waking up to how we've behaved but also waking up to the ability to really feel our behaviour and the impact it's had on others. When our ability to feel for others starts to seriously develop, it can be a painful experience as we move through it. Self forgiveness comes with feelings well worth developing.

When it comes to the 'personalities' aspect, I can relate. I think we can be multifaceted folk. While me may have an inner stresser chatting away up there in our head, an inner critic, inner pessimist, inner sage, inner adventurer etc etc, the question comes down to 'What do they sound like and feel like?', when it comes to inner dialogue. While my inner enthusiast sounds and feels amazing and can be incredibly energising and motivating, my inner critic is a shocker and can be mentally draining and depressing if I don't manage it. Not sure if you're much of a reader but a brilliant book on the topic is 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. He's an author with a great sense of humor who struggled greatly with anxiety, depression and inner dialogue in his younger years. He comes from experience.

While you're in the process of 'waking up' or coming to life in so many new ways, try not to be too hard on yourself. As I say, becoming more conscious is not easy. So much easier, for us anyway (not those around us), when we weren't conscious of much at all. We didn't have to feel any of that stuff. 😊

[randomxx]

Hiya Earth Girl.

Ya know what, one huge difference between you and others that are truly just not nice people, is all through your posts. You do have huge heart and care, that's obvious.

Your aware of what you think are your shortcomings , you feel so much for what you think your doing wrong , you feel so much for many things and people too.

Most genuine to the core AH's in this world couldn't careless about any of that and have no interest whatsoever in changing 

rx

[Earth Girl]

Hi therising,

Thank you so much. I didn't know we all sort of had "head mates" in our minds. I definitely relate to having different ones that all feel different and also seem to think quite differently. I feel best when I am one of my more mature ones even though in a way it's harder because I feel a lot more aware when I am one of them, so I feel worse about things that I have done. At the same time, my brain does feel a lot better overall when I am one of the more mature ones like the one who is confident but also takes other people's feelings into much more consideration and tries to spread love and help others more. That's the type of person I want to be. 

[Earth Girl]

Heya randonxx,

Aw, thank you. I feel like I am getting a lot better at taking other people's feelings into consideration. Before using this site, I didn't do it much at all. I've always tried to be nice to people even before I started becoming more aware of other's feelings because I think it's important to try to be good to people, but I didn't realize that I wasn't taken accountability back then. I hope it continues because it makes it better for other people when I am genuinely nice to them.