Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Best way I can describe it, really. Sure has been a fight to get where I am, and there's plenty of other little fires to put out in other areas of my life even now.

I understand how you feel about where you're at now. I agree that what you have is worth fighting for, and I know there are moments when you can see hope for the future, and there are moments when you can't. It's a tough place to be in. I hope you find some equilibrium one way or the other.

Yes, there is always learning to come from whatever happens in our lives. Boy is there!

Thank you. It's definitely something special to have someone like LM after all I've been through before. I still have moments where it feels alien to be this confident in the future of my relationship. I sure got messed up in that department by the last one.

Yeah, that plumbing and the massive bill are distinctly not sexy. If only there were a golden tap somewhere! There's nothing visible except the bare dirt where the grass was dug up. Will probably have three corner jacks everywhere when things start growing again, grr! So hard to contain those things, and I was starting to make some headway keeping them in the area that got dug up. Sigh.

Any time, I'm great at reality checks. I'm also pretty good at maudlin, so I totally get it.

LM is doing okay at the moment, though still dealing with a lot of hospital appointments that are driving him nuts. A time out would be good.

Yes, still extremely tired. My iron levels bottomed out again. Seems I can only manage one significant health problem at a time, and the wonky finger took my attention off the extra dietary needs - not to mention making cooking nigh impossible for a month. I can assure you that getting food from other people leads to shoddy nourishment for a vegetarian. The stuff you can buy is good for protein but rubbish for veg, the stuff people make with good intentions is all veg and no real protein. Without cooking for myself I get maybe one meal's worth of nutrients out of a full day's eating. Any wonder it went wobbly. I gave up and just took iron supplements. All well and good for the doc to say diet is better, he isn't living my life. Now to add to the fun, I've been sick - nothing too serious, but now the finger's semi-okay it's been just enough to knock me back into another couple of weeks of being barely able to get anything done. That housework backlog is getting stupid! Sigh.

Thanks for checking in. Kind thoughts to you.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Understandable. I hear you. Always when you think you can't take any more, there it is. Sometimes it seems like it will never stop.

Back at ya, friend. Haha, your chickens do sound delightful. 🙂

Sorry to hear Alexa needs surgery. I'm glad she got in to see a psych. I don't think young is a bad thing in a psych. The current generation is a bit better educated about mental health and more open to things being discovered now. I've found older professionals really stuck in a rut and inclined to think they already know everything - or worse, they're past that point of really trying to make a difference, and just phoning it in. That can be a real problem. I have heard of cyclothemic disorder, I can certainly see how that might complicate things for someone.

Yes, breathe. And by all means cry if you need to. Of course it is stressful, it would be for anyone. I'm glad you're able to let it out somewhere and know you are understood.

I did see on your thread that prodigal son is struggling too. Didn't realise the other kids didn't know what Alexa is dealing with. And now you're back at work, too. I completely understand you keeping some leave to use when it's even more necessary. It's hard to carry all that, you must feel like Atlas at the moment.

Yeah, at least the plumbing got sorted quickly. But the cost. Ugh! Has there been any headway with your own plumbing problems? Are they bad enough to need doing now, or can it wait until things settle down a bit at home?

Yup, I hear you about work. I'm stuck at my job too, I'm the breadwinner so that's the end of that. Some days I just want a time out from that role.

I never really thought of minimising as creative. I guess there's an element of it. For me it's about organisation and systems. Ol' Blue loves systems. But thanks. 🙂 The stuff I do for creativity may be drawing or colouring or photography. Used to be writing, but I've done very little of that in a very long time. I do miss it sometimes. Closest I get is making backstories for my D&D characters - creative, but somewhat truncated.

I'm glad you have a creative vision for your garden. I think you'll do better than I did. I planned a path and areas with bark chips, did about half of it a few years back - then my leave ended, life went nuts, now it's all weeds. Sigh. I tried. Sounds like you're doing great so far, and your drive isn't leaving you. That counts.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

So now I'm done grumbling about big bills, and getting sick, and housework piling up, I'm going to take an aside to give you the good news.

1) I'll be on annual leave very soon, and I had built up a bit more since I booked it - asked if I could extend it, and it was approved. Yay! Only a couple of weeks, but that's better than the 9 days it started out as.

2) So, I may have spontaneously proposed to LM today...

3) He said yes. Woo-hoo!

That's all. See you guys when I have some energy again. Sleepy time for Blue. 🙂

[ecomama]

YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED????

OMG WOW!

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ENGAGEMENT!!!!

I know you can't elope to Vegas due to Covid lol, are you going to elope?

I hope you also realise where ONE of your Wedding Receptions will be held lol..... the BB CAFE!!

Awww I'm so happy for you both and your puffballs. I can imagine them with little tiaras and everything lol.

Yay, beautiful news.

Lots of love to you both / all, I'm so happy!

Love EM and the fam including furry and fluffy ones too.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thanks. I had to chuckle at your enthusiasm. 🙂

Haha, Vegas isn't really our thing, though eloping certainly is. We intend to keep it quiet until we are actually married, though we'll probably do it locally for ease of organisation and may let just two people in on the secret so we have witnesses who aren't randoms. I can say that neither one of us is interested in the pomp and ceremony of weddings and don't want to deal with family politics and all that madness. We're thinking a party or two to celebrate with friends and family after, the wedding is about and for us, not anyone else - I'm sure you know how others always try to make it about them, it overshadows the meaning of the marriage and we're not having any of it.

I hadn't considered the BB Cafe, I've dropped in on occasion but everyone just talks around me like I'm not there and I'm reminded of why I stopped bothering with it. They seem to have noticed your post about my news though - including some of those who have talked around me and responded to you with "Oh I don't know who Blue is". Real cute. I may refrain from pettiness and say hello but frankly the place doesn't hold the qualities of somewhere I'd go to celebrate.

Thank you for your enthusiasm. It's good to be able to share it with my online friends while we're keeping things quiet with the in-person ones. I dunno about tiaras. I see Sir Pecks and Mr Feisty as our flower girls... eating the flowers! Hehe.

Hugs to you. We appreciate all the love. 🙂

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Oh Blue!

congratulations! How wonderful!

Oh WOW! I’m so happy for you both.
inportant question- what will you wear?? I need to picture it!
and seriously, get some lovely photos. That’s def for you, and not others.
I can’t wait to hear more!

Bummer about your health taking a dive. Yep, begonia hard work to balance, esp if you’ve got other issues taking extra nutrients. I did crazy food work in my pregnancy as a vego. Yeah a lot of ppl just don’t realise how to do it.
I think poached eggs and spinach/ rocket were my fall back, with baked beans sometimes, tahini and sweet chilli sce at others. Always sourdough!
It does get expensive if you’re not doing it yourself.
falafels are pretty good value.

Hope you’re able to get things back on track without too much fuss.

heaps of hugs!

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey J*,

Thanks. 🙂

Haha, fair question. I don't have a specific picture in mind yet of what I'll be wearing. Only that it will not be typical wedding attire. There will definitely be black in there, maybe black lace over white satin? Probably a splash of colour in there too or instead. What colour, I don't rightly know yet. There's time for that, I don't expect we'll be doing it especially soon, the budget isn't there, and we're not super fast at organising things.

Yeah, I'm sick of my health undermining me, it's been one thing after another for ages, it's driving me nuts. Definitely hard to balance nutrition as a vego, I can imagine the difficulties for you doing it in pregnancy. I believe increase need for iron then. Some good ideas you had. I've been getting broccoli and spinach into meals where I can. Problem is getting that and enough protein. I've found my protein needs to be quite high, and legumes alone aren't at all sufficient. That said, I do love falafels. The bought ones are dry and a bit crap though, and I haven't had the energy to make them.

If ever I have a chance for at least starting to get back on track, it's now. My leave started today, and I've got a couple of weeks. I want more, but I'll make the best of what I have. We celebrate our anniversary during my leave, six years together, so that's something special. I haven't got him a present yet. We've talked about just pooling resources to go out somewhere nice, and making a cake together. Simple pleasures.

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Update:

I had my psychyatrist appointment, today. I was pleasantly surprised to find myself dealing with someone who read my notes, listened to me, and took me seriously. Huge difference from any psychologists I've dealt with. Anyway, end result is I have my ADHD diagnosis. It's huge for me to have this officially recognised, to have answers as to why managing ordinary things has always been so difficult for me, and to have some potential for positive change. Thank you guys heaps for supporting and encouraging me to push forward when I first suspected it was ADHD I was dealing with. Really appreciate you.

Blue.

[Jstar49]

Hey that’s great blue! Well done for persisting- and trusting your gut instincts.
I lost a beautiful wordy post to you about wedding outfits, complete with a description of my own vintage inspired ensemble!
but short story is- I love the black lace theme! I’m kinda vining on purple as an accent colour for you- du like purple?

so much fun!

keep us tuned in- I wanna hear all the goss!

cheers,

J*

[ecomama]

Awww Blue, that's amazing and awesome news on many fronts!

Congratulations (if it's appropriate??).

I'm so very proud of you!

See what did I tell you? YOU ARE AMAZING lol. I was right wasn't I? No back chatting now.

A BLACK Wedding dress? WOW... just like you to buck the system hahaha. Sure I can imagine some purple or turquoise hair to go with it.

You'll look SMASHING regardless, the reason is that you are HAPPY! YAY!

My "news" which isn't so new but exciting for us just the same. BF ordered my Engagement ring last night. We were going to wait to exchange rings in person but it's just too much to wait. With the world going rather haywire, we decided to go a bit haywire too!
BF is yet to decide on the ring he wants. It's a toss up between about 6, methinks there may be a Groomzilla lurking in him and I MEAN it lol!! He's so darned FUSSY about what he's going to wear on our Wedding Day - a tuxedo in true American style lol.

And to think I wanted a Beach Wedding ummmm.... oh well whatevs. He said something about a landing in somewhere in California near a beach hahaha. I meant ON the beach.

If we have to marry in both countries, then I'll have my way here.

Oops don't let me get off track.
WOW about the Psychiatrist!
I'm so relieved the psych was attentive and informed about you before your appt - WOW!

Oh Happy Days. So happy for you Blue. You deserve ALL the happiness this Universe can dish out.

Love EMxxxx