Questioning some things

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Those of you who know me know I have been bouncing from one rough life event to another for years, without really any time to take a breath in between. I can state well enough the things that have happened to me, but haven't had much energy to delve deeply into what those things have done to me. In the time off work since my partner had major surgery (yup, another fun crisis), I had time to start pulling at threads, to get a Mental Health Care Plan, see a psych and talk to a counsellor. As much as I always knew my life has been a steaming pile of crap, the threads I am pulling are connecting dots and giving rise to possible clarifications of events and what has arisen in their wake.

My childhood was severely neglectful. Mostly emotionally, but also in some physical ways. We kids didn't sleep in the (perfectly good) house, we slept in a caravan nearby - Mum cleaned up her and Dad's bedroom and the kitchen after the mouse plagues, but apparently our rooms weren't worth the effort. He carries on about her "unfit" parenting, but it's not like Dad did anything about it either. We were fed and clothed well enough. Never a lot of attention from either of them. I don't remember a single hug from either one during my childhood. Mum would immediately disinfect her hands if by some chance she came to touch one of us. Some years later, post parental divorce, Mum's settlement money ran out and we endured a brief stint without a home, a much longer (years) stint of inadequate food and no hot water.

I actually became pretty functional after moving out. Worked, studied, maintained a place on my own. Went through a couple of less than healthy relationships and endured with surprising resilience. Then came the last relationship. First two years, no major problems. Then bam, he's unfaithful. Enter ol' Blue's depression, that's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Damn fool remained in contact with him and we tried again at the relationship. To be fair, he didn't repeat that particular mistake. He tried hard to redeem himself and be a better partner. Until the ring was on the finger. Engagement in place, all effort fell away little by little. Dear gods did the neglect become overwhelmingly severe. I kind of got that there was a theme, but it's literally only now, years after breaking up with him, that I see why it was that straw that began my depression - just how closely what he did mirrored my parents' behaviour.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue! MORE songs? Yeah! Love them, they're matching all the gorgeous birds waking up here at this very early hour lol!

Songs right back at ya all. xxxx

I'm so glad you have LM now. He sounds so sweet!
Just like Alexa's new BF, I'm super happy for her and REALLY relieved lol!!
He's very shy and super anxious about coming over to my house when things open up AND we all have to be vaxed of course... months yet. But he wants to get to know us all and esp have good relationships with all "the kids" - some of which are now technically adults but hey, that's what we still call them all as a group lol.
I've spoken to him on the phone tho and I can tell he's scared of me lol!!
I am seriously the LEAST scary person on the planet, but I get that, I'd be afraid of me too lol.

I can see what you mean about narcs. You could easily be 100% correct!
I think it's more an M.O. that they work off of.
Like they KNOW what they're doing (and think they're pretty super smart and more intelligent than those around them with little to no evidence of it but for their manipulative powers)... but I don't think they have the capacity to operate any differently.
eg they don't actually have the capacity to LOVE as we know it.

I truly think that if it was a choice, then they'd choose NOT to be that way and to be able to enjoy life the way others can enjoy life.
They're NEVER happy or satisfied, have relentlessly high standards of all those around them and none for themselves.

Very miserable ppl in the long run.

More tea needed lol brb.....

I'm glad that the dynamics in LMs family with you have settled down. I agree it's up to them how they deal with their family dynamics.

Oh yeah the ppl at work whom I don't like, probably really know WHY I don't like them. They'd been overtly abusive to my face! And I don't forget this crap lol.
It's the other ppl around us, when I have to work with the nasties, that say to me they had no idea there'd been issues because I'm always nice to these people.
No I'm not.
I'm simply cordial, polite, you know PROFESSIONAL lol.

And reported their behaviour at the time, left it up to the bosses in how they chose to deal with them.

How are things going for you at the moment?

Love always
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Yep, more songs! You'll like those better than what Mr Feisty was up to as I read your message (sitting on the back of my chair, munching on a spider he plucked off the wall).

LM is beautiful. I'm grateful to have him in my life. I'm glad Alexa has someone who is shaping up to be worthwhile, too. Of course he's scared, it's about coming into a large family that's had to protect itself against all manner of horrors. You're the matriarch, and have had to be the primary protector. He wants to pass inspection, as it were.

I haven't read up on narcs, really, but that's the impression I get. First ex was definitely in that camp, abusive piece of crap always looking for ways to make my life miserable. That one knew exactly what he was doing. Carried on like the world owed him something, too. But it was also clear he hated himself, wanted me to hate myself like he did. Definitely a very miserable person. Man-child was very different to that.

I don't know if narcs can or can't choose to be different. It would be hard to guage anything about them as it would require self-reporting about thoughts and experiences that I doubt they would give willingly or accurately for a study.

Hm, I think what you're saying about the colleagues who can't see you don't like the abusive ones is that they lack observation skills. Professional and "nice" aren't really the same thing. Seems to me they could afford to work on their awareness if they're dealing with vulnerable people in difficult circumstances...

As for how I am, I've been a bit unstable of late. The thing with the solar really did a number on me, they decided to inflate their idea of our living expenses, that LM's income wasn't relevant, that our savings weren't relevant, etc. (triggering stuff about financial institutions making life unreasonably difficult multiple times for me, and really hammering the "you're not good enough based on things we've made up about you instead of reality" message). Psych appointment was a bit emotionally exhausting, too. Have also been worried about getting through the week-end with neighbour problems and losing an hour's sleep to Daylight Savings kicking in tomorrow (considering I'm always on a serious sleep deficit on Saturday nights and they also rostered me for a longer than usual shift). Feeling kind of sick about it and emotionally hung over from everything else. My solution was to call in sick for tomorrow. I'm just not up to it.

Song from Puffballs,

Blue.

[ecomama]

GOOD! Take that day. Only you know what you can do and it's none of anyone's business anyway.
I validate your reasons! Pity I can't give you a Certificate lol!

Oh yeah Psych sessions CAN be exhausting. Sleep please. Rest and nurture.

Having a Psych session is kind of like having a total physical work out for our bodies, we're exhausted but we know it's good for us (hopefully lol).
Psych session is like a total MENTAL work out, so if you do it right then you should be exhausted!

I liken it also to a toxic cleanse.
Feels totally yuck getting the toxins OUT and they hang around for a while lingering.
Then hopefully you feel the mental freedom over time.

Well SNAP Blues.
What you just went through with the solar is what I just went through with the re-financing.
Made me feel like shyte.

And let's not take that on anymore.
We ARE brilliant.
We ARE worthy.

WE DO do our best at any given time and no one will stop us, not ever. There will be obstacles and diversions but our aims and goals are clear and we DO always achieve them.

No matter what gob smacking stuff is put upon us.

Time to shake it off, re-group.

Grow some more veg lol.

Oh I always retreat to my garden. It's truly the only place I can feel as my own self. I think because it's GROUNDING.

I'm with you, we got this.
Love EMxxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Thanks, I did just that. Of course it meant waving goodbye to my Saturday penalty rates. Sigh. Those aren't covered in sick pay.

Yeah. My psych commented that a lot of people expect to go to therapy and feel better. Nope. It's like cleaning out a cupboard - you've gotta pull everything out, there's crap all over the floor or bench, you see the stuff that's spilled everywhere, you're in there with cleaning stuff, getting grotty up to your elbows - that is to say, it gets worse before it gets better, and you see a whole lot of ugly. Of course it's exhausting, of course it's hard work. And the stink of whatever you've cleaned out hangs around a while.

Yeah, I've answered on the other threads about that. It really did enrage me, brought out the fight in me. An unfortunately dramatic display of anger I'd have rathered LM not see - such things don't come up often and I can usually keep them to myself. Anyway, I know he thinks ill of uncontrolled anger, he's seen more than enough of it from his dad, so that didn't help things much. Felt rubbish about my own reactions as much as the situation.

Fortunately I don't take that stuff on myself, but it still pisses me off that it comes up in ways that undermine things I'm trying to accomplish. You're right of course that we are not the sorts of people to let that hold us back for long. It saps our energy to do it though - unreasonable, unjust and profoundly unnecessary hurdles most others don't face. The work carries on, but holy hell I'm tired.

I'm glad your garden helps you. I find the same to a point, but after a while it gets less grounding and feels more like unnecessary work. There's no one thing that consistently grounds me any more. Used to be writing, but I lost that along the way, it doesn't do what it once did (and no surprise, it was taking the place of worthwhile human contact which I now have in LM). On the bright side, I pretty much always feel like "my own self". Beyond having to watch my Ps and Qs a bit at times, I'm unapologetically me. Doesn't necessarily win friends and influence people, but it's more fun and (usually) less exhausting.

Kind thoughts and songs from Puffballs.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hahaha, I'm not in the game of winning friends and needing to influence people either lol.

I'd much rather always be authentically me. Adding Ps and Qs lol the lot!

Yes I can see how LM has been the human connection and grounding that's hugely beneficial in so many ways.
Puffballs too! Hey sweethearts, kisses from Aunty EM!

When I'm in a certain mood, everything feels like hard work, most of the time I have an overwhelming amount of work to do.
I think my object permanence has helped there! lol.
Just box it up and put it out of sight until later and it's forgotten.

Your analogy about therapy is spot on and made me laugh!
It's so grotty and filthy!
Cleaning out all that shame closet and stuff we've tried for years to forget.
But something tells us we NEED to clear this out with another person who's qualified to listen and respond appropriately (I Pray they do).... in some ways these past issues can lessen in their impact on our present day lives and for me THAT'S the aim.

To unload that baggage is possible.
Actually it was to "file away those memories", so if I DID need to remember them, they're there.

But not to have those memories fly at me randomly when I least expect it (meaning PTSD triggers).

I'm pretty badly injured today so not much time online.
Need to nurse myself.

Love you
EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Winning friends and influencing people is overrated. As for Ps & Qs... well, if anything I say on here doesn't sound like me, words have been placed in my mouth that I have no control to un-place, taking away my Ps, Qs, and half the other letters besides. One of the reasons I've not posted in some while, as I consider such things unjust, and that is a big trigger for me, most especially where there is no recourse to fight it. Besides that, all that work I've done over the past year to keep from working too many days in a row (i.e. to make my work life vaguely manageable) has been undone with the stroke of a pen, my roster has changed and stuffs all but one of my work days for the fortnight very close together. Add that to crippling fatigue from upping my meds, and I have not been functioning well for some weeks.

Yeah, I'd be in bad shape without LM (and Puffballs). Having someone who actually sees me and hears me - consistently - has made all the difference. I'll be sure to give my little ones kisses for you.

I know what you mean about the overwhelming amount of work. I don't have quite the same deal with object permanence, though. I do forget things, certainly, but various things remind me, so I'll have a cascade throughout the day of forgetting then suddenly and jarringly remembering something that needs my attention - it happens over and over, so each time I remember it's as startling and stressful as the last. It's an ugly cycle.

Yeah, therapy is ugly. Any work on the self is usually ugly. These things tend to get worse before they get better. The biggest trouble I've had with it of course, is the bit where interaction with another human is required. They tend to be unco-operative, or outright harmful, and that has been my ongoing experience so far. I've taken far more of use from conversations like those I have with you than ever with any "professional". There is a distinct lack of trust, there.

Yeah, I could do with memories not bashing me in the face all the time, I'm quite sick of that. I'm aware of most of my triggers, but you can't control every source that might throw one at you.

Hope your back is doing a bit better by now. Have you had your chiro appointment?

Love you too,

Blue.