PTSD and Trauma

'What If ...' Questions

replies: 4

Yesterday evening, I saw on the news. about how in some states in US?A are repealing laws, & making abortion illegal again, with no provision for women raped or (they said incest), but for me, that means rape, too. All the ‘what if...’ scenarios swir... View more

Yesterday evening, I saw on the news. about how in some states in US?A are repealing laws, & making abortion illegal again, with no provision for women raped or (they said incest), but for me, that means rape, too. All the ‘what if...’ scenarios swirl, & I am tossed about like Dorothy in the tornado. If my brother had been younger, & if it had been mutual, maybe then...but it was rape. He could have impregnated me, & I might have had a baby when I was13yrs old. Abortion was illegal then, in Qld. Decades later, I went to those rallies, chanting “free abortion on demand”, years before my own history had begun to re-emerge & solidify in my head. Later still, I faced what might have been if I had become pregnant & that is so bleeping scary. From some communications with my father, I know my father thought I had been a willing participant. He did not understand. He put it down to youthful experimenting & discovery. Would he have been able to have accepted a child? Would I have been able to accept & love my, & his, child? My (ex-stepmother) would have been mortified. I doubt there could be anything more shameful to her, no blacker mark against her reputation. I would have had to go. At the least, I would have been gagged, maybe hidden away when I got big? & that's just about him... * I know, ‘what if...’ questions, like these, when I am imagining the worst scenarios is not helpful. This just drags me down. I don’t know how to play ‘What If ...’ in an uplifting way. I would like to hear from anyone with some ideas. mmMekitty

I want to stop being angry at the bullies

replies: 14

Hi all, I'm new here... I'm JJ, 36yo queer man. I need to get something off my chest and just maybe see if any of you nice people can help me with a fresh perspective. I was bullied as a child. A lot. From preschool to the end of high school. And mor... View more

Hi all, I'm new here... I'm JJ, 36yo queer man. I need to get something off my chest and just maybe see if any of you nice people can help me with a fresh perspective. I was bullied as a child. A lot. From preschool to the end of high school. And more at university. Sometimes physically, and constantly emotionally and socially. I was ridiculed for my accent, for the way I spoke, for being bad at sports, for being intelligent and bookish, for being sensitive, for being gay (even though there's no way I was coming out while I was there. I didn't come out until well after moving away from home, I was so scared of the bullies having anything else to through at me). I would be set up to fail to provide entertainment for the group. For a long time I was the guy even the other unpopular kids would have a go at. Things slowly got better, but the damage was done. My ability to read social cues - especially around sex and relationships - was stunted and that led to a lot of anguish continuing, on and off, until now. I made some spectacularly bad relationship choices in my early 20s including a fling with a closeted man who ended up assaulting me. I have generalized anxiety disorder, depression and have worked through a lot of issues in counselling and through medication. But I still feel socially awkward and have low self esteem a lot of the time. I've learnt to accept that this is a result of the terrible way I experienced social interactions when I was just learning. I know that this isn't my fault. But it makes me angry still. I feel that I was treated so badly for so long by so many of my peers that I'm permanently damaged. And I hate that these bullies and the things they said and did still have so much power over me. I believe that through forgiveness, empathy and understanding I can move on and let go of the anger. I was even able to do this with the boyfriend who assaulted me, eventually, when he gave me a heartfelt apology. But I can't seem to do this with the high school bullies. They picked on me as a weak target, never showed remorse. They also aren't a part of my life any more, I moved to Australia from the UK after uni, my life is totally different now. But I still hate that what they did to me then still has so much power to make me feel so bad. What do you think, patient people? Can I find a way to forgive so I can try to stop living with this hanging over me? Or must we always have to carry the weight ofmour trauma? Thanks for reading JJ

Unable to wear face mask due to PTSD and Panic reaction

replies: 19

In late March 2020, I tried & could not wear a face mask. I panicked. I’m unable to wear one since. Traumatic memories and feelings came up, & now, just thinking of putting on a mask brings up those memories & feelings. Not being sociable, I thought ... View more

In late March 2020, I tried & could not wear a face mask. I panicked. I’m unable to wear one since. Traumatic memories and feelings came up, & now, just thinking of putting on a mask brings up those memories & feelings. Not being sociable, I thought I‘m OK with being home more. Physical limitations + psychological reactions & I want to be by myself, but I had been trying to get out, joined groups, even thought I had made a few friends. So much has changed. Now COVID-19 and restrictions, even the ‘eased’ restrictions in SE Qld still mean that masks are required indoors, in other people’s cars, public transport and crowded outdoor places. I can’t drive. I can’t be sure how far apart I am from others. I am living pretty much as if in strict lockdown. It is one thing to choose how to live, another to have this isolation forced upon me. I want to be careful; not put myself at avoidable risk. Finally got 2nd vax dose. But, that does not fully protect me from being infected & infecting others. It’s better (not 100%) at preventing severe illness, and I would be glad to never have to be in ICU, on ventilation. I wonder if I would need to be tranquilised to tolerate that? I am so angry at that abuser, (I want to swear here), because, after all these years since, I now have this! It puzzles me. I was able to go to a dentist (eventually), & I learned to deal with the panic and wanting to flee. & I had some surgery, a colonoscopy too, and I managed those, including having a mask give anaesthetic to me. But was I given something to help me relax beforehand? I can’t remember. As much as I have done to deal with past abuses and now this; unexpected. When I panicked it was perhaps even more of an impact than the original abuse, because I could withdraw into my head & feel cut off from what was happening. Impossible to do now. If I could, I would do it again to wear a mask & get on & do what I need. Yeah, I would save up my distress; feel & deal later. I have been dealing with this for year+½, yet, just thinking of putting on a face mask brings up those memories and feelings. The way things are going, I think I will live a ‘COVID-19 restricted’ life from here on until there is barely any COVID-19 around & masks no longer have to be worn. When? My community worker is away, Dr will have a break after that, & I’m feeling abandoned, not part of life, ignored & forgotten. I’m sure that’s untrue, & wonder, how many others are not able to wear masks, & feeling side-lined too?

The trauma and remedy of insulting remarks

replies: 7

As a child I had no better father. My mother also however due to what I believe is undiagnosed BPD or NPD later on she became toxic so I had to remove her from my life. Back to dad. He was such a good caring and considerate man that those around him ... View more

As a child I had no better father. My mother also however due to what I believe is undiagnosed BPD or NPD later on she became toxic so I had to remove her from my life. Back to dad. He was such a good caring and considerate man that those around him in our community held him in great regard. He was even asked to be a justice of the peace, a role he turned down. So, with my then undiagnosed bipolar, dysthymia, anxiety and depression I joined the Air Force at 17yo and went off the rails. Even though further careers included prison officer and PI I had a personal life that was chequered to say the least plus relationship issues. I reflected this morning what comments were made by others in my past that made the most negative impact. "You'll never be a shadow of your father" carries the deepest scar, a scar made by- yes, my mother. "when are you going to act more like your father"..."your father never got drunk"...and "your father would roll over in his grave if he knew how you are treating your mother". Some comments made by my mothers friends that had ear full after ear full from her to the extent they just had to defend her. So 11 years ago, my sister and I tossed our mother out of our lives. Today we still bare the mental scars of her treachery. However, we both must have been very strong to carry out that action and stronger still to not ever regret our decision. How? Well we were provided with the ability to judge good and bad by our father and that ability to judge came to roost when we knew in our hearts that such deplorable comments were designed to cause great harm and that was - wrong! For several decades she got away with such comments because she was powerful, manipulating and wore the mask of a matriarch. At some point my sister and I knew we would never stop her havoc and we also knew that by severing ties we would lose family members also which happened. The philosophy of standing your ground when in your mind you know wrong has been thrown at you is a difficult one to accomplish. If you find yourself emotionally trapped and you do not have the inner strength to defend yourself and to implement measures to protect yourself in your future going forward, then you might well need professional assistance to do that. Far better to place shields and distance in front of an enemy that to accept the wrath of their onslaught alone. You only have one life and its too short to waste a moment on one more insulting remark. Your thoughts? TonyWK

When is beyond lost?

replies: 3

Well here I am about to turn 28. 3 kids a beautiful partner for the better part am now facing a court date that could send me to jail with charges that I shouldn’t be charged with I have ligament & nerve damage in my wrist from nsw police and now als... View more

Well here I am about to turn 28. 3 kids a beautiful partner for the better part am now facing a court date that could send me to jail with charges that I shouldn’t be charged with I have ligament & nerve damage in my wrist from nsw police and now also multiple past suicide attempts I want to know when is enough I remember a loving kid who cared even after the 9 years of abuse me and my mother faced, and my dad took me away to live with his partner while he tricked around aus, and was abusive when he was home I got out when I could come down to be with my maternal relatives and that’s when it started going down hill I disclosed what my uncle had done tore the family got called a liar got threatened my mums mum and 2 brothers believed me as well as mum then I hit drugs for many years got clean when I had my daughter with the mother that had cheated on me from the first 3 weeks and for the whole 3 year relationship I pretty much solely raised my daughter for the first almost 2 years then once I finally had enough of her taking off for weeks on end and broke it off and agreed half custody each she up and ran left me with debt the whole lot hit the drugs for another year solidly got my self in a whole lot of trouble then I got clean again but for me cause I knew I would end up dead or in jail ironic right with my past suicide attempts but I did 2015 here we are 2021 after fighting for 5 years in family law court I won sole parental custody after the abuse my daughter experienced I now find myself back in family law court which the mum is taking me back to court because of my recent suicide attempt even though my partner took the kids out way before that we know my mental health was slipping I want to know how we as a society have become so contempt in a chaotic slippery slope I’m tired I’m lost I’m starting to think I’ll never be found is there a point of no return or is there a turning point because at the moment the lines are very blurred and my question is am I beyond lost ?

Im losing the love of my life..

replies: 12

I have made many mistakes over the past 12 months the biggest one being I did the worst thing possible in a relationship - being unfaithful. Something I will never forgive myself for. I have had to hold on to the guilt and the decision I made not to ... View more

I have made many mistakes over the past 12 months the biggest one being I did the worst thing possible in a relationship - being unfaithful. Something I will never forgive myself for. I have had to hold on to the guilt and the decision I made not to come forward and now I'm paying the consequences. There has been 2 occasions and one I hoped I never had to relive. January this year I was taken advantage of by someone that I classed as a mate and although I'm his eyes I may have given him the wrong impression he forced himself on me and I had no control. Gut wrenching! I never did anything about it as I was so scared and while I have had break downs over it I just wanted to forget. I dealt with this mostly in silence. Second time I made the wrong decision (my head cloudy with lots of alcohol and drugs) and I made a completely life changing decision and not in a good way. We were friends and agreed it wasn't to happen again. I have been holding onto this for nearly 6 months and I poured my heart out to my closest friends. But now it's come out and my partner has been told of my mistakes. I have hurt him so bad, he is so angry at me - swearing at me, saying I basically asked to be taken advantage of, telling me he hopes my girls never turn out like me etc. Iv lost him, and I have lost myself. I'm trying to fight for him and I'm making changes to prove I can be that girl again he loved so much. My partying ways distroyed our relationship but he was hanging on but now he can't anymore. He deserves to be angry and I deserve to cop what ever comes my way - I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water for my two beautiful girls and each day is a battle. How did I become this person and why have I hurt the one person that I truly love. And now I'm losing him.. I'm nothing without him by my side. I would give anything to try and make this work I really would

Coping with PTSD after open heart surgery at 23

replies: 7

Almost 2 years ago I had open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve with a cows valve. I was 23 at the time. I was born with a bad valve and had surgery at 5 days old to repair it but I can’t remember that one obviously. I always knew I would need... View more

Almost 2 years ago I had open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve with a cows valve. I was 23 at the time. I was born with a bad valve and had surgery at 5 days old to repair it but I can’t remember that one obviously. I always knew I would need the valve replaced when I was older but it didn’t make it any easier. When I went in for surgery something went wrong and I nearly died, they tried to get my heart started again 2 times and then eventually got it going with a balloon pump. Later down the track I found out that they almost put me on an artificial heart machine which means a heart transplant. after the surgery I was put in an induced coma for 24 hours and then recovery began. I have never been in so much pain, my chest had been sawed open and my ribs broken. Everyone around me in the ICU was 70 or older and looked to be dying. I have always suffered with anxiety from a father with anger issues and being bullied at school and other heart problems but in ICU at one stage I felt so strongly that I couldn’t breathe that I almost considered trying to walk out of the hospital just to make them see how panicked I was. Come say 5 I started to get some relief but then for a month at home I slept sitting up and was in 10/10 pain all the time. eventually my body healed and I think everyone was really surprised at how quickly I was out and about. I then fell into really self destructive behaviour. My boyfriend at the time had cheated on me about a week before surgery so I didn’t really care about my actions at the time and would drink and party I guess without knowing suppressing my feelings. my sister is also an ice addict and went back to it while I was in hospital and then verbally abused me and left the week I got out and didn’t come back for 8 months (at the time I felt like she would never come back and would OD so was processing that too) about 4 months after the surgery I would have break downs and visions of being in ICU and also my sister leaving and would just cry alone and think how could anyone understand. Later down the track I discovered it was ptsd and went to see someone which really helped about 4 months ago I found out I will need open heart surgery again in June this year because the valve isn’t working right. I’m so scared I won’t be so lucky this time. It’s on my mind all the time especially before I sleep. Has anyone experienced this? Also does anyone have a way to try and drown out the thoughts before bed?

12 years and 2 kids depressed

replies: 2

Hi. I’m 34 f he is 31 m.12 years, not married, 2 kids 11 and 5. I’m unhappy and out of love/depressed/hopeless. He is trying to say it will change and he will not let me go. Throughout this 12 years there has been a lot of pain and stressful times. I... View more

Hi. I’m 34 f he is 31 m.12 years, not married, 2 kids 11 and 5. I’m unhappy and out of love/depressed/hopeless. He is trying to say it will change and he will not let me go. Throughout this 12 years there has been a lot of pain and stressful times. I was 22 when I was pregnant he was 19 then turned 20. I have always been sorry for things in our rs and felt as though I have destroyed what could’ve always been for him. He said that also being so young he has lost a lot over the years. I wanted to get married straight away. He was against marriage as his father is a pastor and his mum and dad seperate all the time!! We’ve practically counselled their rs through about 10 years of ups and downs. I have been through domestic violence through shouting, financial abuse, no friends, grabbing, emotional abuse and no mental support. Then the ptsd is there as he flips and goes really well for a while but we end up back in the same spot. There has been various times I have said I’m going to leave and he convinces me otherwise or shuts me down and says no your not leaving. This has now broken me.I have had a few mental depression episodes and feel like I have completely given up. I have seen our children get in between our arguments, our children scared, our daughters anger and sadness has completely taken over her too. But if I leave, I’m hurting my children and breaking up my family. 3 weeks ago I decided that was it and applied for a house through a friend and actually got it! I felt relieved and that fate had finally appeared for me. That I can finally feel free and try be myself and not depressed. I told him and now he has absolutely love bombed me with flowers, crying, promises of change and that he loves me like no other. I have been through this so many times. He says it’s different this time but it’s so hard to believe. He gets explosive anger because my reasonings aren’t enough and I’m just giving up on our rs and our children. While I think this is the best thing for everyone he is so so stuck on that it’s not the best. He has also said because of my mental illness that I am not going to make it on my own, that the children will be worse off. How do I leave when I don’t get my keys until 4 weeks!!?? How do you tell someone over and over that it’s not working but they’re ignoring you. Not listening. Demeaning your choices. How am I supposed to keep my children? How do you leave someone who just says no.

Dealing with motorcycle accident

replies: 3

After a lovely morning with my kids on Father’s Day this year my children went back to their mothers and I decided it was a beautiful day for a ride so I geared up and off I went. After about an hour of riding I found myself on a nice isolated stretc... View more

After a lovely morning with my kids on Father’s Day this year my children went back to their mothers and I decided it was a beautiful day for a ride so I geared up and off I went. After about an hour of riding I found myself on a nice isolated stretch of windy road when my rear breaks failed and I was forced to make a decision of extremes, lay my bike down and crash on the road or continue off the road and into a bushy ravine off the side of the road I chose to lay my bike down and crash. after sliding along the road for a short while myself and the bike came to a halt it was at this stage I became aware I’d caused myself some major damage destroying my knee and breaking my shoulder, however it quickly became apparent that I was still In a dangerous predicament laying in the middle of the road on a blind corner. Running purely on adrenaline, panic and fear I managed to drag myself to the edge of the road and after laying there crying for a minute or 2 I found my phone and called 000, it was 15-20 terrifying and hopelessly lonely minutes before a passer by found me and helped the ambulance locate me but not before another 15-20 minutes had passed. now since the accident physically I have been repaired and my body is slowly on the mend with patience, hard work and a lot of physio I should get back to almost 100%. however mentally and emotionally I have been struggling when talking to acquaintances I give the broad strokes and try not to go into to much detail to avoid bringing up the emotions that i’m struggling with so much, I have tried talking about it with those close to me reflecting on the fear and the hopelessness I faced as I laid there on the side of the road crying out for help knowing nobody could hear me. But it hasn’t helped and I’m regularly brought to tears when I randomly think about it or something jolts it back into my mind and I just don’t know what to do or who to seek help from as I’ve never dealt with something like this before. any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Difficulty pin-pointing a trigger

replies: 2

Hi Haven't been here for a while. Generally I am doing OK. Healing. I started the journey about a year ago thinking my issues were just due a 'simple' social anxiety. But with digging around, reading, talking to psychologist, then psychiatrist, I got... View more

Hi Haven't been here for a while. Generally I am doing OK. Healing. I started the journey about a year ago thinking my issues were just due a 'simple' social anxiety. But with digging around, reading, talking to psychologist, then psychiatrist, I got diagnosed with PTSD (and CPTSD) and referenced to clinical psychologist for therapy - some things I didn't realise affected me so much, some things I thought I forgot but now sometimes they pop up in my head out of the blue. And it appears there was much more, complex and harmful stuff. But generally now I am able to recognize some of my triggers. Sometimes it is immediate realisation, that I fell in the whirlpool of flashback. Sometimes it takes couple of days. In many cases I understand where they come from, sometimes I know exactly what was the event back then. I know what caused me often feeling betrayed and distrustful, or why I fear rejection, or why dissociating panic kicks in at slightest sign of being physically overpowered. And in most cases I know my reaction is disproportionate to what is really happening, and making sure consciously that I am actually safe, and knowing that this and that happened in the past helps me a lot to 'return' to present. Sometimes it just this 'Yup, it was trigger, I'm in flashback' is enough. Sometimes it takes couple of days to normalise. But the only thing that 'haunts' me is overbearing fear of loss. I know people come and go. Everyone has a choice after all. But anything that relates to someone's death, e.g. parent losing a child, or child losing parent, loss of loved ones due to accident, disaster, war, act of terrorism. It triggers physical pain, I feel disconnecting (lightheaded), helpless and hopeless, and want to completely avoid the thought. I have similar reaction when it comes to women discrimination. But here I know where it comes from, and I am actively working on my own empowerment. But about the loss, I am unable to grasp it. I can't remember experiencing anything that made me feel this way, though I have reacted always like this way since I was a kid. Somehow not being able to pin-point it to a specific event feels like a barrier in healing, because it typically moves an avalanche of unwelcomed thoughts and memories, and pretty much triggers a whole spectrum of pain, shame, guilt, anger and resentment. Sorry for a bit of a rant. I just needed to get it out of my chest. G.

Pinned discussions

If you need to talk about Bondi Beach - Our community is here

replies: 8

PTSD for Medical and First Responders

replies: 276

All discussions

'What If ...' Questions

replies: 4

I want to stop being angry at the bullies

replies: 14

Unable to wear face mask due to PTSD and Panic reaction

replies: 19

The trauma and remedy of insulting remarks

replies: 7

When is beyond lost?

replies: 3

Im losing the love of my life..

replies: 12

Coping with PTSD after open heart surgery at 23

replies: 7

12 years and 2 kids depressed

replies: 2

Dealing with motorcycle accident

replies: 3

Difficulty pin-pointing a trigger

replies: 2

PTSD and trauma

If you need to talk about Bondi Beach - Our community is here replies: 8

PTSD for Medical and First Responders replies: 276

'What If ...' Questions replies: 4

I want to stop being angry at the bullies replies: 14

Unable to wear face mask due to PTSD and Panic reaction replies: 19

The trauma and remedy of insulting remarks replies: 7

When is beyond lost? replies: 3

Im losing the love of my life.. replies: 12

Coping with PTSD after open heart surgery at 23 replies: 7

12 years and 2 kids depressed replies: 2

Dealing with motorcycle accident replies: 3

Difficulty pin-pointing a trigger replies: 2

If you need to talk about Bondi Beach - Our community is here

replies: 8

PTSD for Medical and First Responders

replies: 276

'What If ...' Questions

replies: 4

I want to stop being angry at the bullies

replies: 14

Unable to wear face mask due to PTSD and Panic reaction

replies: 19

The trauma and remedy of insulting remarks

replies: 7

When is beyond lost?

replies: 3

Im losing the love of my life..

replies: 12

Coping with PTSD after open heart surgery at 23

replies: 7

12 years and 2 kids depressed

replies: 2

Dealing with motorcycle accident

replies: 3

Difficulty pin-pointing a trigger

replies: 2