How do we forgive ourselves?

Sadsec · ‎29-04-2021

Married far too young, felt isolated by his family, he was their “baby”. My family had split so no support from them either, He drank far too much, I thought I could change him,, went from bad to worse, had a child trying to gain acceptance from him, his family, anyone, emotionally abused by him when drunk,(every night), no way out, no idea how to escape, nowhere to get help. Had a horrific birth experience and nearly bled to death, needed a transfusion but it was at the start of HIV, so hospital wouldn’t give transfusions because of the risks. I was existing on practically no sleep, no strength due to such low blood counts, no help at home with new baby, he was as demanding as ever. When bub was 3 months old had to start back at work, night shift because he worked days, so was surviving on maybe an hour of sleep between working night shift, looking after bub and him, I found myself in a horrific situation with absolutely no idea of a future, I just knew this was impossible. A workmate made me laugh while at work, made me feel like a human, and for reasons I have decided were probably a sub conscious attempt to end my situation, I slept with him one day while my hubby was at work. I went out to the workmate’s home and destroyed my life. My sister in law who I was close with, knew and she told my hubby, so one night while i was at work, hubby rang my work, told me he was taking our child away and they’d be gone before I could get home. Sure enough by the time I got home from my shift, he had gone and taken our child with him, she was 5 months old, and he had (while drunk) taken her and drove interstate to his family. Since then my life spiralled from one problem to another, bad relationships, drug dependence,(which I have since beaten completely) until I finally found a partner who I married and only lost when he died from cancer, 12 years ago now. Sorry for the long back story, there is so much more there, but my initial question stands...I have never forgiven myself for cheating on my hubby, he never remarried, although he still has his alcohol problem. After all my soul searching and some therapy, I still consider my self a bad person for what I did, and dont know if I can ever “let myself off”. It has coloured my entire life, I am sooo very hard on myself in every way, what do others think....I dont feel like a bad person.......Ive spent the rest of my life volunteering and and trying to make up for my youth....

white knight · ‎29-04-2021

Hi, welcome

"Show me a person without a skeleton in their cupboard and you'd be displaying the rare"

Can I ask you- have you got your child in your life now? Are you in contact with the father?.

So, in terms of your regrets, what do you think is "reasonable" in terms of forgiving yourself? I'll give you an example. At 19yo I was involved in a fight with a friend. It was my fault. I apologized but he didn't accept it. A year later I found out he lived 5 hours away and drove there to apologise again, he didn't accept it again. For years I carried the guilt...why? Because I created an action not within my normal intended nature. All people I've mentioned this to say "move on".

Google the following

Beyondblue topic guilt the tormentor

A therapist once told me "It's about time you threw those old rocks in the river".

TonyWK

therising · ‎29-04-2021

Hi Sadsec

First, I wish I could just give you the biggest hug. You are so hard on yourself to the degree where it's heartbreaking. Tony offers wise words, mentioning how we can sometimes make choices that go against our nature. Forgiving our self for those choices can sometimes be one of the toughest challenges in life.

It sounds like you are in the process of discovering who you naturally are, someone who cares for and serves others. This is a noble calling, no matter what has led you to it. The fact that you have reformed yourself beyond drug dependency, again speaks volumes when it comes to your nature. My heart goes out to you as you also worked so hard to reform yourself beyond the grief of having lost your husband 12 years ago. As a mum myself, I can't imagine the amount of grief you have faced in regard to having your daughter basically stolen from you. In my opinion, your 1st husband sounds like a cruel and selfish man, especially with him having deprived your daughter of a mother.

For me, it has been a long journey along the path of self forgiveness. I am such a different person from who I used to be. Like you, I felt a compulsion to make up for past mistakes. In reforming myself in such a way, I found my true self. When I look back at my mistakes, I have come to better understand them by beginning my reasoning with 'Under the circumstances...' Give you a few examples

Under the circumstances of never being led to feel love and feel truly loved, I was naturally unloving in how I treated people when I was younger. I have now moved forward through giving my younger self release from the mistakes involving questionable unloving actions
Under the circumstances of choosing to drink my way through part of my life when I was younger, based on the fact that I didn't know how to raise myself out of depression during those years, I have moved forward through giving my younger self release from managing those darker years so questionably
Under the circumstances of not knowing how to find who I naturally was when I was younger and making so many mistakes because of this, I have moved forward through giving my younger self release, so that I now give myself and her the freedom to learn

Sadsec, under the circumstances, this choice you made all those years ago is understandable. Can you move forward through giving your younger self release, considering how desperate she was to feel a difference in her life, a life that sounded intolerable? Show her compassion.

🙂

Guest_1643 · ‎30-04-2021

hi there

sadsec you are not a bad person in any way, shape, or form, everyone makes mistakes particularly when we are young and niave. It's part of growing up

Your post reminds me of an individual i met who had an affair for 3 years behind their partners back, and never felt any remorse whatsoever for that behaviour. Couldn't even undersand what the fuss is about
You have compassion and care and weren't fully invested in ur choice, which is why it feels bad. But we all do something we regret sometimes. I hope u can forgive yourself.
I don't judge you or think you are bad at all - you were in a terribly hard circumstance and living with someone who is addicted can be very very hard. You deserve all the kindness you are showing your ex - you are a valuable human being.

geoff · ‎30-04-2021

Hello Sadsec, a warm welcome to the forums.

The comments by those above me resonate with many people who are able to understand and relate to a similar situation that's been caused by their own different circumstances.

After all of what you had to cope with, all you wanted was someone to lean your shoulder on and explain what you've had trouble trying to cope with and the adverse behaviour created by your husband.

It's disappointing your sister in law (SIL) who you were close with has gone against your trust and dobbed you in, considering how you were being treated and most unfortunate.

All of us can be too hard on ourselves, by feeling this way, but this actually prevents us from being able to move forward, because what happened compared to how you were being treated can not be compared, all you wanted was for a kind soul to appreciate what you had been struggling with.

I'm not advocating for this to happen in all cases, but your situation is different, but 'it's about time you threw those old rocks in the river', and by volunteering is a great choice to make, but you need to look after yourself and try to get the help you may be missing out of, from getting by a doctor/psychologist.

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your second husband and please take care.

Geoff.

Sadsec · ‎30-04-2021

Thank you all for your kind words. I did get back with first hubby for the sake of my daughter, however that turned out to be a mistake as his drinking continued and he now had very strong ammunition to throw at me all the time. I stuck it out for another 3 years, then couldnt take it any more and I left, no money, I was working but no access to the banking, no friends or family around so moved into a motel. Had to choose to leave my daughter with him as I had no idea where i was going or what to do. I knew she would be alright for a while until I could get something sorted, unfortunately life happens and a few months after I’d left him, I was in a bad car accident which crushed my lower spine and put me in hospital for 6 weeks of treatment.Once I got out of hospital,(in a brace) there was no hope of getting my daughter back, I could barely look after myself, let alone a toddler and I knew his family were at least helping him with her. Fast forward my story, my girl came eventually to live with me and hubby #2 for her last year in high school as she needed to focus on her exams etc. We have a good relationship,, she loves her Dad, I made sure never to bad mouth him, but I did explain what had happened to our lives, she understood because she saw it firsthand, and still does....Hubby #1 has never spoken a word to me in person, we have seen each other maybe 3 times at events in our daughters life, daughter tells me, he has never forgiven me and still calls me all sorts of names, takes no responsibility whatsoever for our failed marriage. A part of me wants him to apologise, and for me to apologise to him, but I know now that is hopeless, and so I just have to continue living. You are all right, we do make mistakes when we are young, and letting go and forgiving myself is so very very hard, thankfully, it only gets to me when I’m down, and I do believe I need to seek help, my daughter says she feels I have depression, I know I have PTSD, although it is not diagnosed, I have been sexually assaulted, abused and endured the lingering death of my beloved husband, which I can still relive at a moments notice. I cry at the drop of a hat, feel sad most of the time, and struggle with day to day events. This first step of writing to you guys has been a help already and I will keep up with Beyond Blue and any support I can get, Many Thanks

white knight · ‎30-04-2021

Hi again

Thankypu for your extended story that helps us.

We'll what a great period of time when your daughter came to live with you!. My eldest did the same at 12yo. Why? Because she was treated the same as me- abuse. In our case narcissism by silence and no consideration.

My younger daughter never left her mother- because she was worse, sadly. So my daughter's don't have a relationship.

I still, like you, reflect back on many things during the abuse. Like, working shift work plus 2 other jobs so she could be a stay at home mum. But being a home maker didn't include cooking meals for me nor changing nappies. I burned out after 11 years. I left her in 1996 and still have anger and the reason is that abuse cause mental scars to some people.

So my remedy was to move on with faith that with a different lifestyle I'd live happily, and I do. My wife was once my ex wife's brother that I match made. We've been married 10 years now and often chuckle at those times, the ridiculous behaviour. Perhaps a fly on the wall during your bad times could confirm you we're not to blame.

TonyWK

therising · ‎01-05-2021

My goodness Sadsec, you've had such incredibly deep challenges throughout you life. I really do wish I could give you that hug. Personally, I'm not really much of a huggy person but when I do give them out, they're deeply soulful.

I won't spend too much time speaking about hugs but I just want to recall an occasion about a year ago where I was so down to the point where I felt I was slipping back into depression. The challenges I faced on this occasion were overwhelming me. My 18yo daughter could sense I was down and said 'Come here Mum'. She put her arms around me and I began sobbing uncontrollably. 'It's okay, let it out', she said. Boy, did I let it out. It was the kind of soulful hug that said 'I've got you. I accept you no matter what' and I felt acceptance within myself. I felt so deeply loved. She's like her mum, she doesn't give hugs out for no good reason. This is the kind of embrace I really want to give to you.

Our kids can be such perceptive creatures and truly wonderful guides in life. If your daughter is a sensitive person, I imagine she can easily sense your pain, feel it to some degree herself. If she also feels you need to see someone about your pain, perhaps you need to trust her. I have incredibly sensitive kids who are often spot on when it comes to exactly what I need at the times where I can't see things clearly for myself. They're my visionaries in a way, when my vision is clouded by self doubt, confusion and a sense of feeling lost.

I believe one of the hardest aspects of raising our self involves addressing 'the baggage'. I once heard someone compare this process to being in a hot air balloon. As they eluded to 'If you want to rise, it's not enough to just wish the sandbags weren't there, you have to do the work involved in offloading them, facing each one in the process of raising yourself'. Do you think you've reached the point where you need someone expert to help you through the process of of raising yourself? Perhaps now is the time.

I feel such deep sorrow for you, in regard to the passing of your 2nd husband. My heart truly goes out to you. If you could allow him to be the voice of inspiration in your life, what do you sense he would say to you now? Could it be something like 'Don't grieve for me, instead listen to me. It's time to unload. You need to rise. You need to live'.

🙂

smallwolf · ‎01-05-2021

hi Sadsac,

hope you forgive my short reply. There is a book titled "the book of forgiving" which you might find some comfort in? Not sure. Rather than tell you what is in the book I suggest that you google it and work that part out.

In your initial post I read about a person dealing with a lot of challenges which also sounded quite stressful. I can certainly understand your actions. I can also see this difficult for you to get through. This maybe where the above book might help as it talks about forgiveness as a way of moving on (/forwards).

You then mentioned in your next post that your daughter understood.

Two things to try or consider (if I may) ...

two things I had to do (as homework) with my psychologist was to write about what happened in my youth, as well as writing a letter to my younger self. The latter helped me to make sense of myself.

the other thing is that you might tell your friend if they told you this story?

Ultimately, be able to talk to someone (for me) allows me to work out why things happened the way they did.