PTSD , trauma need advice

[Chonchon]

Hi my name is chantelle - I’m 32 , I can’t can’t retain information , so I can have a conversation and listen and look like I’m present and listening and engaging in the conversation but my brains like elsewhere and not remembering any of it . I can’t sit and listen to a audio book or read normal book as still can’t retain it , I can sit and watch a movie for few hours again afterwards forget a lot of it .

Growing up for 20 years I had trauma from moving around a lot , to abuse , being put in foster care , my mum sent me to a special school for social skills which shouldn’t of gone to as everyone said there I was smart and popular , I also been told there was may some sexual abuse but I don’t remember anything ( I don’t remember a lot growing up and I don’t remember stuff from even last year , it’s like I block everything out that happens .

Then about 10 years ago I left home , broke free from it all , and became a live in nanny , put myself into work 24/7 , I have now been living in with families and being apart of their family’s which I guess I have loved as never had that growing up and I love looking after kids .

I’m now with my 4th live in family , I have been with them now for 4 years ( they have said maybe ens of year I’ll need to maybe move as there won’t be a need for me anymore and every time i think about it I break down into tears as I’m scared about the future , I want to figure out what will help me with my retaining stuff , if I’ll need to take medication if it will help , I don’t know .

I want to fix this as I want to be able to get to a place where I can study , get a stable Job in a kinder , make friends , I’m so scared as I’m worried if I leave here I’ll have nothing no friends , no job , no family , no where to live and it really frightens me and makes me so upset thinking about it . And I think what if I move and rent how will I afford rent and bills on my own.

[pl515p1]

Hello Chantelle, I do not come from an understanding of what you have been through, but a few things you have written stand out to me and I hope in some way I maybe offer something.

Firstly you have said that you have difficulty retaining information, this to me makes the idea of creating a tangible plan for yourself very important.

Write down all of the goals you see for yourself, and all of the obstacles you think will occur, and try to create a plan for how you think each goal may be achieved, or how each obstacle could be tackled, or what sort of help you may need for each step.

Having these things written in a physical form will allow yourself to hold that information, and perhaps make clearer some of the steps you may need to take.

Secondly, as you have said you may need to move at the end of this year, I think you should create this plan while you still have the security you do have, I know it may be scary to look into the unknown, but creating a pathway while you have a grounded space to breathe, is better then waiting until the last moment when things can quickly overwhelm you.

Also, I know you are feeling anxious and scared thinking of the future, but you have said that 10 years ago you left home and broke free, that must have been so difficult and daunting then too, but you did it! you had the power, the bravery, and the spirit to take that leap.

I think within you there is a very brave person, who has done and survived things, that many of us perhaps could never have, you should feel proud that you are the person you are, because you sound like someone who has a lot to offer, and for others to admire and aspire to.

I also think while you still have somewhere secure, you may perhaps look into studying now or soon, in order to get a leg up, I don't know if you have the option to do that , but I think it would be good to start this journey a few steps ahead.

I think that there are places that may offer support in terms of paying bills and rent, perhaps only in education of how to handle these things, and not so much in aiding with financial support, again though I do not know enough on that.

Anyway, I think you have a lot to be proud of, and I admire the courage you have to be where you are already, I know the next step of your journey seems incredible scary and daunting, but I hope you see that within yourself you have what it takes, you may need help along the way, but I think we all do.

Please be kind to yourself, and take care.

[PamelaR]

Hello Chonchon and welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Life sounds very frightening for you at the moment with no idea of what will happen in the future. Pl515p1 has responded beautifully to you and given you some ideas about how to move forward.

I understand completely what you mean about not remembering. I live my life in a bit of a daze and trying to pull threads of my life together is exceptionally difficult. My memory blanks come from trauma - childhood sexual abuse, assault, physical and emotional abuse. I am in my 60s and what I've learnt is - I don't remember things that have any emotions attached to events. Trying to understand my life - I realise I never learnt or understood emotions and feelings during my childhood. I've had to go through this in the past 10 years. It's hard work, but well worth the effort.

You said - 'I want to fix this as I want to be able to get to a place where I can study , get a stable Job in a kinder , make friends , I’m so scared as I’m worried if I leave here I’ll have nothing no friends , no job , no family , no where to live and it really frightens me and makes me so upset thinking about it . And I think what if I move and rent how will I afford rent and bills on my own.'

Maybe somethings to start with, as Pl515p1 suggested is to make a plan. Write it down if you have trouble remembering. Somethings I'd do are -

• find a doctor who understands what you are experiencing and can refer you to someone who can help, e.g. psychologist, psychiatrist or other health professional
• find out if you are eligible for NDIS (National Disability Insurance Scheme) assistance. This can be very daunting, but help you get assistance for your daily living. They can help you set goals and help you achieve these, e.g. studying, finding accommodation. If you are interested - go to their website, https://www.ndis.gov.au/applying-access-ndis and see if you are eligible.

You are a very smart and bright person, things can get better. It doesn't always happen over night and there maybe some rough patches to navigate, but you are exceptionally brave and have the capacity to achieve even more good things in your life.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Rs9911]

Ah Chón Chón i really want to help you.

Let me tell you this through, I had and still have very severe ADHD. I was never medicated so my behaviours leid me to being rejected by my peers all through school, most of my teacher’s told me i was retarded and wouldn’t amount to much and that sticks with you but i know this is simply not true. I got a Bachelors Degree w/ Honours, want to the academy, become a cop, left and applied to study Criminal Law at one of the tóp universities in Australia. I was told no chance. But I didnt take that for an answer i wrote them a statement about my teistím only and what i will sa critice in return. I;m now studying the Juris Doctor on my way to being a solicitor and when i was 10 years old i was told i would never make it past high school.

What youre going through sounds chaillenging but i know whatever happens you will ríse to your feet and you will succeed believe it

let me know how else i can help

Rhys