Manipulation

[Jen-Jo]

I am completely lost. It is dawning on me that my husband has used manipulation to control me. We have been married for 21 years and this started before we were married. Over time he has isolated me from family and friends so I no longer have any friends. We have two children 19 and16. My daughter 16 has had ongoing issues that have involved her having a ‘secret life’, lying very convincingly, making up stories, attention seeking and manipulating me and segregating me from my husband and son. She can be extremely vile towards me too. It has been a rollercoaster and she has also struggled with suicide tendencies, self harm anxiety low self esteem depression and an eating disorder. In my plight to get her help, I ‘offloaded’ to her psychologist and mentioned how I had noticed the manipulating, secret life and lying traits in my husband. It was like opening a can of worms that I have kept the lid firmly shut on for 21 years+ The more I spoke about it the more I realised that I have been controlled and manipulated big style! My husband lies to me and I have strong suspicions that he may be involved in porn and maybe gets his sexual pleasures from other sources too. I think he has coerced me into sexual activities that I have not wanted to do including naked photo shoots. If i try to say no he still continues so I just go along. He wears me down and makes me feel guilty if I dont. I think he has filled my head with lies and rubbish that have confused my perceptions. He has a temper and makes me and the kids feel scared. He tried to hit me a long time ago but didnt and he has rough handled my daughter to the extent i had to intervene. I am so confused and messed up. dont know whats real and what isnt in our relationship. I love him and have given myself completely to him but he has held back. My kids see the same behaviours I see. My daughter has no clue that she has the same traits and my husband seems to have no clue that he has them. I am lost, broken, gutted, betrayed but feel incredibly guilty and like I am betraying him by talking about this. He has no idea I have figured this out and I am too scared to broach any of it with him as he will get angry and tell me Im imagining it. I have no idea what to do next. I have no friends here but I have talked to my sister in the uk who is not surprised as they have seen his behaviour. My kids are now fully aware of the situation. I have no idea what to do next because I dont want to leave him either!

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jen-Jo, 

Welcome to the forums, and thank you so much for sharing your story. We are so sorry to hear about what you've been going through with your family and your husband, and understand that this must be a very difficult situation to be in. We can hear that you're feeling incredibly betrayed at this realisation of these behaviours, and we think that you've taken such a brave and important step in reaching out to the forums, as we know this can be a really difficult thing to do.

We think it would really help to be able to talk these thoughts and feelings through with our friends at 1800RESPECT. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation, and you can contact them anytime, 24/7 on 1800 737 732 or also through webchat here: https://www.1800respect.org.au Please also know that you are always welcome to talk these feelings through with the counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or you can also get in touch with us on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport They will be able to offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something that you may be interested in..

We hope that you can find some comfort in the words of kindness and support from our community, and please feel free to keep updating us on how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

 

[Fiatlux]

Hi

Your husband sounds like mine except that I was also subjected to physical violence.

In 2018, a good friend of mine pointed out that my husband may have narcissistic personality disorder.

I have been subjected to narcissistic abuse for 35 years and it continues now.

I had no idea what Narcissistic Abuse was until I started reading about it. Everything fell into place.

I have been trying to end my marriage ever since. My husband just won’t accept that I left him.

Three years on and he still tries to manipulate my life in every way.

Now that the aggression no longer works, he has been trying to be super nice to me. Or as he calls it, “sucking up” to me to get what he wants and needs from me.

unfortunately, one of my sons also shows signs of narcissism and manipulative personality traits.

The one thing my husband refuses is to be honest and wouldn’t ever admit his behaviour to a psychiatrist. He flat out refuses any examination or therapy.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Jen-jo,

Like our lovely Sophie..I would also like to give you a warm welcome to our forums...

I was living a completely controlled life for 38 years...and can relate to how your feeling..and I am so very sorry you are going through what you are...It wasn’t until my husband passed away 8 years ago this August...that I heard the term narcissist..and then it all made sense to me...my parents being the same as my husband..I accepted my life as the norm....Yes I still did love him regardless of his treatment towards me...sometimes a lot of people do not understand....but no I didn’t like him though...

My eldest son has a lot of narcissistic traits in him...but after counselling and talking things out with me...realises that he was very similar to his dad...and is now improving and healing with his counselling....

The contacts Sophie has given you are really great to people to talk to that can help you...

I developed C-PTSD from my marriage and now having counselling with a great therapist that’s helping me find out who I really am as an individual as well as helping me manage my triggers, which send me back in time..

I will say, though that my husband never lied to me..because his word and actions were the law in our family...he done what he wanted to do and knew he had no one to answer to...

You are not alone lovely Jen-Jo...There are so many people on these forums going through or have gone through DV...I hope some of them will pop in here to talk to you..

Please talk here anytime you feel up to it..

My kindest and caring thoughts Dear Jen-Jo...

Grandy.....

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I feel that because you dont want to leave him, the best course for you right now is educating yourself as to what you have been u against. When the time is right for you then you can begin to stamp this behaviour out from your life. Whether that means eventually leaving him or putting up boundaries to him and your daughter is for you to decide.

So, I've got a couple of threads I have listed below. They pertain directly to your problems. You only need to read the first post if you like.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor-#qn2_kXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/emotional-blackmail--likely-extreme-bpd-

Also I'm concerned over the level of abuse here, particularly the photo shoots and your resistance to it. This is unacceptable and I wonder where such photos end up? I would insist on a relationship counselor. If he refuses to attend then go yourself on the basis of learning how to protect yourself.

TonyWK

[Jen-Jo]

Thankyou so much and sorry for the late reply… I am still processing so much and in an array of confusion!

[Jen-Jo]

Hi Fiatlux

Thank you so much for your reply. It’s so good to know I am not alone in this but also so sad to hear others are enduring similar situations. It’s so hard when you see those traits developing in your own children/adult children and that has been the big eye opener for me. Really hope you can find ‘freedom’ to move on with your life and a have a new lease of life xxx

[Jen-Jo]

Hi Ggrand

Really appreciate your post. Its so hard and so surreal of how ‘shocking’ the realisation is of what’s been going on and how sucked in I have been! I still waiver between ‘am I imagining this’ and feeling incredibly guilty and like I am betraying my husband talking about it. I am still trying to figure it all out and unravel things. Its hard to know what’s real in the relationship and what’s not. My husband isnt ‘obviously’ overpowering… he is extremely shy and has social anxiety but he’s also very crafty and clever and everything feels like a mental game! Its hard after so long to figure out who I am! So glad to hear your son is getting help. Really hope you are able to find yourself again too x

[Jen-Jo]

Thank you white knight. Really appreciate this. I found those threads really eye opening…. I have a constant feeling of guilt no matter which way I turn and life is like a constant tug of war! Im realising my mum used guilt to manipulate me into ‘people pleasing’. Her dad used guilt to manipulate her too. I think she learned people who use guilt have a lot of power to get what they want out of a situation. Since meeting my husband I have been in a tug of war between my parents and him trying to manipulate and control me pulling me in different directions. Now my daughter does it too and I feel like I have no voice. No identity and no free will of my own. I cant turn off the guilt. I care too much about them all and live my life to please them. I get so confused and for all of them life seems to be about who’s right and who’s wrong and who’s way is the best. I feel like I have been conditioned for so long that I have no idea what to do and no radar or sense of me. I am disgusted and freaked out by the nude photos and trying to make sure he hasnt made them public because I think he would find that ‘funny’ however the fact he is on the couples ones Im thinking he wouldnt implicate himself by making those public. Today’s plan is to take down the photos he has on the wall in the hope it will raise a discussion and I can address it. He wont do family therapy as I hoped that would be a way into couples therapy. Will keep working on that avenue! I need to find my voice without the guilt!