Freaked out about anything that can cause me harm

[Middle_aged_and_anxious]

Hi, I'm 41. I have PTSD from witnessing a suicide at work 18 months ago and generalised anxiety disorder, currently exacerbated by the PTSD.

I am scared of anything and everything that cause myself or loved ones harm. EG my brothers puppy scratched me on my lip, now I'm convinced I have tetanus, to the point my jaw is sore and I have headaches. If I smell something 'unusal'i believe there's a gas leak or carbon monoxide in my house/car. If I hit my head I worry I could have a brain injury and so on. This thinking and worrying also applys to my children, my dog and my partner.

I am in therapy fortnightly, I have recently settled my workers compensation claim and will be referred to a new psychiatrist and hopefully start schema therapy.

Im stuck, I am sick of feeling and worrying like this all the time, but feel if I dont, something bad will happen. I dont know what else to do or how I would like people to help me. So I guess ill take what comes.

My background is working in a psychiatric ward at a local hospital, up until the suicide I witnessed. I have had anxiety and depressive symptoms since I was 15, probably much younger, but we will go with 15 for arguments sake. Not currently working have 2 children, 3 cats, a dog and a puppy I am looking after almost full time for a few weeks.

anyway, that's me in a nutshell.

cheers for taking the time Xx

[Croix]

Dear MA&A~

Welcome here to the Forum, you sound very much at the end of your tether and I'm not surprised, I expect the effort to come here will be useful as many of us have had somewhat similar experiences.

Even though you are used to a psych environment it does not prepare you for the sight of someone having taken their life. It brings to the front all sorts of feelings and dreads - and very much reminds on of life's fragility. You end up a different person, and as you say, can end up with PTSD.

I am an ex-policeman and was invalided out with PTSD, depression and anxiety at roughly your age. One of my symptoms was what was described to me as hyper-vigilance (excuse me if I'm telling you what you probably already know) though in my case it took a different avenue and I was overly concerned with security and people's activities as a threat.

I'm no doctor so cannot say however I would imagine that your fear of harm may be the same symptom expressed in a different way.

In the long term I found that medication and therapy reduced my symptoms to a recovery stage where life is pretty good and most things are under control, or so faint as to be ignored. This did not happen instantly -but did happen nevertheless.

Hyper-vigilance was one of the first symptoms in my case to be muted, so there's hope it can be in you too if my guess is correct.

Being able to access a psychiatrist was key to my recovery and I'm very glad you are going to have access to one too.

Apart from the medical side of help is there anyone in your family you can rely upon who understands how you are feeling, not to try to fix anything, but just listens and cares? I had my wife and after my initial aggression subsided I found her support wonderful. She in turn was supported by her mum which helped her face my illness.

Can I mention a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind? I use this to take my mind way from destructive mental loops and leaves me with that chain of thoughts broken and in a calmer state. It does take practice however I've found that well worth while . I have the attention span of a gnat and actually found an exercise (there are umpteen in the app) that nagged me enough to keep my thoughts on track:)

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app

I hope you will keep on coming here and talking things over

Croix

[Middle_aged_and_anxious]

Hi Croix,

I like your abbreviation of my title 😊

WOW! You have been through it all too. I'm so happy that you have managed to come out the side and able to live a mostly happy/content life...I hope for that one day.

Hypervigilance! Man, good for a dangerous situation, but checking your children are still breathing over a dozen times a night, probably not so much.

Im worried that the suicide I witnessed has broken me and I'm finding it hard to put myself back together, or maybe allowing myself to be, because then I can't keep an eye on things as I have been.

I have amazing friends (from work) who are very supportive. *Probably worth mentioning i havent been back to the hospital since the incident 18 months ago....but I'm working on it.* and have recently reconnected with a friend from high school. My GP is also amazing! I think it is so important to have a strong support network!

Im happy you have your wife, but not only that, but that your wife has her own support...that's winning 😊

I will definitely have a look at the app you suggested, ill pretty much try anything these days.

Thanks for taking the time to reach out and im going to steal your abbreviation 🤣

MA&A

[Croix]

Dear MA&A~

I'm glad you like the abbreviation, I tend to like user-names that do not constantly remind us of problems, mine is a nickname from my time in France, a happy episode in my life.

As for hyper-vigilance, I'm no expert, I used to go round check windows and doors were locked umpteen times at my worst, as well as other things and thought your actions might be related -dunno. I'll leave it to the professionals:) I'll admit it took me a while to realize my actions were unnecessary.

I can't honestly see you as broken, yes the event has had a huge impact on you, however you realise this and are even seeing your reactions are things that need addressing - and have been and are getting proper help (or will be again soon).

It is not reasonable to expect yourself to behave now as you did before, that's for when you reach a recovery point, as I have. In the interim please do not disparage the efforts you are making now, and they will get better, like mine did.

I did end up in hospital a couple of times, however that related to suicide, and by and large did me a fair amout of good (though not that pleasant). I'm glad I went.

I'm also glad you have not needed to. I'm also very glad you have a support network and are willing to rejoin old friendships.

May I ask if you are able to discuss any of this with your partner? While I appreciate not all partners are the same, as I mentioned, mine became great support -even if for a while at first she blamed herself, something totally inappropriate.

Frankly I think (using myself as a yard-stick) that you are ticking all the boxes and seeing to your recovery in an intelligent and organized manner. That's not to say I'm trying to make light of your current situation, which is truly horrible and most probably frightening too, however I'm trying to emphasis there is hope on the horizon.

With Smiling Mind it does take practice, please do not be discouraged if at first it does not work well.

I hope we talk again

Croix