PTSD from an anaesthesia awareness trauma

[Chelle72]

I was diagnosed with PTSD recently due to a traumatic event when I was 2.5 years old and its been the most horrendous and strangely empowering journey. Memories that we block usually come back, however hard we try to keep that door locked tight.  I realised that my body was always trying to remind me of what happened but I always stopped it until last year when, during an incredibly stressful period at work, those memories refused to stay in that black hole any longer.  My trauma was what they call "anaesthesia awareness" and happened during a tonsillectomy.  It has been a lonely journey because there is very little information and support for people like me.  I do know that a lot of sufferers commit suicide and I can understand why.  Sometimes it felt like I was tiptoeing through a minefield, defusing bombs (memories) and wondering if the next one was the one that would blow up in my face, the one I didn't survive.  For the first time I was afraid to go to sleep because I naively believed that I could control my memories/thoughts while I was awake.  Yes I thought of suicide, because trying to escape internal pain can sometimes make you feel like that is the only option. It isn't but it can seem like a blessed relief until you realise the pain it will cause your loved ones.  It gives you the strength to get through one more day, and then the next...   I'm lucky I guess in that the panic attacks come in the middle of the night and so don't affect my work.  This trauma affected me in so many ways, a personality was created out of unbelievable terror and I wonder if the innocent little girl is still in there, the one who doesn't know fear and can feel joy and freedom with that fear constantly lingering in the background.  My way of coping was to try to control everything around me, I felt it gave me a false sense of safety and when I got older, alcohol - it made the fear go away - temporarily at least. The trauma stopped me having a family as I couldn't be around young children, they terrified me and if they were upset or screaming it was even worse.  Maybe its because it forced me to remember a little girls' internal screams that no one could hear.. My journey isn't over but I am getting closer to the end with the help of a wonderful psychologist and an amazingly supportive husband.  I just wanted to say if anyone else is suffering from a trauma and internal pain that is threatening to overwhelm you - please don't despair - there is help and there is hope!

[Chelle72]

Hi Donna, I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner as I've just seen this post.  I'm really glad you are in a better place now and things are improving for you.  I'm up and down, more memories are coming back which doesn't help and usually at night which certainly isn't conducive to a good nights sleep. Its body memories that cause the most stress but my psychologist has given me advice on how to deal with it and just told me to keep going, that over time it will diminish. I think the worst part is the fear can be so bad that when my body keeps forcing me to relive what happened I would actually rather die than have to live through that again - how crazy is that.  I really wish that there is more support for people like me, just to talk to someone who has gone through this and made it out the other side would be great, it is a lonely journey.  I do wonder if I will ever recover - to be able to live without this crippling fear that can just appear out of nowhere is my goal - maybe I will maybe I won't but I have to have faith that things will work out and believe me that is the hardest thing to do when sometimes all I want is oblivion.  I wish a million times over that these memories didn't come back.

Thank you for thinking of me - you really are the most caring person.

Chelle

[A_Tech]

Hi Chelle,

Thank you for your kind words. I guess That's exactly the part of me that got into the job I did, for what it was worth anyway!

It's strange, but I honestly know exactly what you mean by feeling like your the only one that suffers PTSD from you r particular situation Even though I know that medically (I've even done the research myself!) that's not true.

Anaesthesia awareness IS quite rare though, especially these days, but not so rare that there shouldn't be some support group out there somewhere!

Same for me with my work. PTSD for emergency services personnel is HUGE. The suicide rate grows alarmingly every year, and yet I was made to feel like an outcast at work, NO services were available (this is a government hospital too, state trauma hospital!), and when I finally did leave, there is NOTHING available in Australia as far as support groups go for people like me.

I found hundreds of sites in the U.S, and everything is available here if your military services for PTSD, but Police, Fire, Ambulance, Emergency Dept., Theatres, ICU, nothing!!! 

However, I am SO grateful that I found this website!! I've only come across one or two others like me, but it does seem to help just talking about PTSD in general, regardless of the cause. I didn't ever expect that.

So thank you too, for taking the time to reply t me. Every little bit helps so much.

We all have to look out for each other.

Take care,

Donna xx

[wifey]

My husband went through this. He became aware during a kidney transplant. Of course no one believed him. I know him well and know there's no way he'd lie about it. 

[A_Tech]

Hi wifey,

Unfortunately it does happen. I think I've said in previous posts that I've personally not seen it, but I have close colleagues that have, and we're only the hired help!

I don't know how long ago your husbands surgery was, but that would make a difference. Any sort of allergies can play a part, simply your own metabolism burning through the anaesthetic agents too.

Then of course there is the worse case scenario, where he wasn't being monitored properly and they didn't notice the drugs waring off. I have to say, thats what the monitors are there for!!!!!

I'm so sorry that you both have had to deal with this. All I say is that I really hope he's ok emotionally (you too!) and that if it was some time ago, particularly 10 or more years (and especially if it was gas used), then although it's no help to you now, I can promise you that anaesthetics have come a long, long way since then.

I really would like if you could let me know some of these things, if not thats ok but there is so much information on the internet now, you should be able to tell what I'm talking about with the 10 yrs ago or more.

And just for the record, I believe him too.

Take care x

[onthewave]

Hi A Tech/Donna,

I don't know if you are still active on these forums, but I experienced some form of anesthesia awareness when I was 3 1/2 during surgery, and 30 years on I'm still dealing with the remains of the PTSD from it. Getting professionals/family to believe it happened was very difficult (my family still don't) but eventually some did. Some have helped, others not so much.

Coping with never knowing exactly what happened - or what I remember and how it fits together - is the hardest part. I was young, premedicated, and yet have distinct flashes that don't make sense.