Probably the most pathetic person you will ever read about.

[mogwai129]

Hey, I hope everyone is doing well.

I'm a 27 year old "man" and I've never had a job, never lived on my own, never had a girlfriend or so much as held hands with anyone in my life. As you can see, the title was not hyperbole.

My parents split up when I was around 7 or 8, Dad moved away and I haven't seen him much since then. Around 2 years later Mum got a boyfriend, he seemed nice but he was also an angry drunk. Around the time I started High School it got a lot worse. He'd be drinking before I even left for school in the morning, and by the time I got home he was always in a really bad mood. He started getting violent with us and I was always scared, it was like walking on egg shells for years trying not to set him off. I can remember him yelling and physically abusing us, then 15 minutes later he would be crying, saying he loved us and he'd "never hurt us". I started waking up most nights to loud arguments, sometimes I had panic attacks listening to him. We called the police several times but there was never much they could do.

Over this time I put on a lot of weight, people bullied me at school for being fat and ugly and I didn't really have friends. I used to love school and I wanted to do well, but my grades went downhill. By the end I never wanted to go and I was always so tired, I barely even passed. Shortly after I finished school, Mum's boyfriend physically assaulted me. This was the final straw and he finally left us, but we didn't have the money to get my teeth fixed. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I stopped looking after myself completely, I just wanted to hide away and never be seen again.

... And that's basically what I did. It's almost 10 years later and like a useless child I still let Mum support me. I've been trying to apply to jobs for years and I just can't, I basically have a breakdown just trying to figure out what to put on my blank resume, I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I know how pathetic it sounds but I can't explain it, anxiety just cripples me. I lost weight but I actually feel worse about how I look now, I'm so ugly and scrawny. I'm too scared to even ask for help, I have a lump in my throat just posting here. Worst of all is knowing I've wasted what should've been the best time of my life, the regret is so painful. I don't know what to do. I just want to be normal.

[mogwai129]

Hi Shelley thank you and I'm sorry it made you a bit upset.

I always loved how a flute sounds, it's beautiful, you should keep playing and learning! Guitar is definitely a good outlet, some days I can play for hours and not even realise, very good for taking your mind off things. I've never been on centrelink payments or anything like that, to be honest I'm not even fully sure how it works. You apply for a certain number of jobs each month to qualify right? Thanks for letting me know about the free courses I will take a look. Anything that would help my confidence is definitely the way to go because right now it's non-existent, along with any social skills. Unfortunately it makes it so difficult to get started.

Hmm, our backyard isn't especially big but it was just enough to run around in. After I had lost a decent bit of weight I felt a bit more comfortable and started running on the bike tracks here. I actually do have some weights, and also a bar for doing pull-ups. I'd love to put on some muscle and not be so scrawny but I've been having real trouble. I've been training for a year and while I have made some decent progress with the exercises I don't really have anything to show for it visually. When I started I could barely even hang from my bar, now I do sets of 10 or so pull-ups, but my arms are still so thin it's really embarrassing.

Thanks again.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi mogwai129,

Sorry you're feeling flat - I feel there is much negative self talk holding you back...

"I'm going to be playing catch up my entire life, I don't think it's on the cards, don't feel like I have the resolve, I feel defeated and like my life is already over, so many flaws and problems, I'm probably too ugly to find someone, I'm probably a lost cause"

There are 8 things you have shot yourself down with before you've even begun!

Do you think that someone learning to drive at 30 is any less excited and apprehensive as one at 17? - do they have any less rights because of it? Does a mother feel any less joy giving birth at 30 compared to 17? (Well, I think the feelings would be decidedly inverted in that scenario!); Can an 80 year old still be terrified jumping out of a plane?

How you live your next 70 years will put your life in context. Perhaps you can come back and tell me I'm wrong after experiencing them for yourself - I would send that out as your first challenge!

Is zero experience better or worse than having baggage? - good question, swings and roudabouts, I guess. A former relationship will provide knowledge of pitfalls to watch out for, but can bias your expectations through comparison or avoidance (the prospective partner may also be wary of your history); whereas inexperience means you will be open to all prospects, but there is the chance of getting burned from your naivety (seeking friendship and having a good support group can help you through that).

I agree with Shelley, that TAFE will be better for your social development, and give you pointers to doing your own thing. You're not confident because it's all swimming around in your head at the moment.

A story...

A prisoner was released after serving 20 years, and the reporter came up and asked, "How does it feel to have been robbed of the last 20 years?" The calm response that followed was "How old would I be now if I hadn't gone to prison?"

Wherever you are, there is a value to be found in it; but tomorrow it's up to you to decide where you want to be.

I know you want to do this...

Regards,

t.

[mogwai129]

I know and I'm really sorry for being like that, I'm sure it must be frustrating to give advice to someone like me. I really want to be better but my brain just jumps straight to the negatives, the "what ifs" and worst case scenarios. Overthinking has always been a huge problem for me, most nights I don't fall asleep for hours because I can't stop worrying.

As for my question about relationships, it's mostly about what other people will think. I know it's very unusual to be my age without any experience and I think to a lot of people it will be concerning. Like I must have something really wrong with me or I'm a bad person etc.

I do want this, more than anything. I want to stop watching as my life goes past but I'm too scared to join in. I guess I just have to keep trying every day.

[tranzcrybe]

Hey mogwai129,

No problem whatsoever, mog. I think we all have our fair quota of faults to bury - most of them are self generated... if we are lucky! ;-).

"about relationships, it's mostly about what other people will think" - no doubt, people will always think what they want, but to many, you will be a 'blank canvas' and a refreshing change from the various players and egoists - you can only ever be who you are.

I realise there are the 'social norm' questions like "So tell me, what do you do for a living..." where you will need to be upfront and say what you need to satisfy enough of any curiosity - "Well, I am currently out of work, but..." is what it is (hey, no need to sell yourself short), but that can apply to anyone these days. It's not a crime or bad reflection to be unemployed (to anyone genuinely interested, that is).

Accepting where you are coming from (and removing the self chatter!) is your modus operandi - perhaps taking an interest in others for who they are, will ease a bit of the pressure on you to be anyone other than yourslef. Simply enjoying another's company is the highest praise you can offer and true beauty comes from the heart.

No need to go gung-ho, just start talking to people you meet. Take your prompts from what they are doing to start a conversation - study the visual cues to measure intensity, and know how to back out gracefully. People are really interesting and it's not hard to talk to anyone if your intentions are true.

BTW, the guitar will come in pretty handy when words are not enough...

Regards,

t.

[mogwai129]

I've avoided meeting people for years because of those social norm questions, just now I turned down catching up with some friends out of anxiety. I can't do it knowing there will be other people there who will ask where I work, etc. Having to tiptoe around saying "I'm a total loser" is so exhausting and embarrassing. People always become cold towards me because they know I'm not normal and I don't fit in. All I do is ruin their fun so I won't go.

I used to love meeting people when I was younger because I guess I was normal and didn't have to worry about what they might ask me. There was no shame in just going to school and living with a parent at that age. But now my situation is seen as pathetic and not normal. Sometimes I do randomly get into good conversations with people and I actually enjoy it, but I know that as soon as they ask those questions it's over.

Thanks for your advice and sorry for wasting your time, I'm going to hide away forever.

[Sophie_M]

Hi mogwai129,

We're sorry to hear that you feel this way about yourself. We can hear that you've had a really difficult time, but it sounds as though you actually have a lot of strengths. You sound like an intelligent young man who had the drive to lose a lot of weight and the resilience to come through an abusive childhood. It sounds as though you have the tools to make your desired changes and learn the new skills that may be required. It also may be more common than you think to feel 'behind' in your late twenties. We hope that you do find the courage to begin a new journey of your own choosing, and that you don't hide away forever - please know that this is a safe and non-judgemental space to seek support. We're so sorry to hear that you've avoided meeting people for years. To help manage your anxiety in social situations, you might like to take a look at our page “Four tips to handle social anxiety in the moment”- https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/supporting-yourself/four-tips-to-handle-social-an... You might also find some hope on these pages:

• "Personal stories" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/who-does-it-affect/personal-stories
• "Journey to wellness" -
  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/journey-to-wellness

We'd encourage you to speak to a counsellor about how you feel and what you've gone through. MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/ 

Please do feel free to keep reaching out here whenever you feel up to it. It looks like you've made a few connections in the community who would be sorry to see you go. This community understands that change doesn't happen overnight, it can take a lot of support and small steps to begin making your way down a new path.
 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear mogwai...

I totally disagree with you..respectfully...

You have come away from an abusive childhood, lost heaps of weight and are trying so hard to find your pathway to wellness....To me you are not pathetic nor a looser...you are a winner...a survivor of childhood abuse and bullying..and you came out of it a very kind and caring person..

Meeting new people is hard for me..so in a way I can understand your fears about doing so...

Its okay your not working and still at home with your mum..A lot of people your age still are and believe me it’s nothing to be ashamed of, you have had a hard life which has effected your mental health..and you really do need to care for yourself first...

Maybe..it’s only a thought and you don’t have to do it if you don’t feel like it...Maybe applying for Centrelink payments to give you a little cash of your own, maybe start saving for a car it might make you feel a little better about yourself...

Have you thought about doing volunteer work a day or two a week..it will give you some socialising within the volunteer workplace and help your anxiety around people..that’s what I done and it has helped me a lot...plus when you apply for a job, employers will see on your resume that you’ve given your time to help people....which will be held in your favour..

Most of all Dear mogwai..,please look after yourself with gentleness and kindness...

My kindest and caring thoughts..

Grandy..

[tranzcrybe]

Hi mogwai129,

Uh oh, here we go with that self defeating chatter again... Yeah, I think walking around with a big metaphorical sign on your head may be a disincentive for people to engage - but it's not coming from them.

How about a compromise... call back and say you will go; the first person to ask what you do for work, just make up some unbelievable response - "I am a spy for ASIO", "I bend bananas in the local factory", "Occasionally I double as the Queen's corgi".

Really, I don't think people care (unless they are from the ATO, perhaps!). They are just looking for conversation starters, so brush it off and have a laugh with them/at yourself. You are not what you do (and I have used that response to quiet nosey people trying to 'evaluate' me) - in fact, you could state honestly that you are a musician/composer, but it is none of their business either way until you find yourself closer to someone where being upfront is essential.

If you still feel pressured, just migrate to another part of the scene and seamlessly join in a conversation. Better still, find/take a guitar and get people bopping along to some live music.

Give it a go. You can always find an excuse to leave early if you are finding things tough, but I'm sure you will have great time.

What do you reckon?

Kind regards,

t.

[dougdougy]

Have you ever thought about a mentor? You know, someone you look up to , someone who can ‘show you the way’ .. who can lead you and build you up... Anyway all the best, good to see you on here 👍