Please Help Me

[Louie95]

Hello,

Ummm, to be truly honest I don’t know how to start this....

I guess it all started when I was 4/5, when my father met my step mother, it all went bad from there....

My mum and father went to court for custody of me, my mum won, but the stupid courts made me go to my fathers every second weekend and every half of the school holidays....

my step mother had other children, from a past relationship, and once her and my father got together she was pregnant....

I’m not going to go into full detail, with what happened, but all I’m saying is that I was mentally and physically abused by my step mother, father, step siblings and half siblings.... my poor mum had to sometimes drag me to drop offs, I would always cry, I could tell it killed her, she always had to calm me down, cause I would be in big trouble if my father caught me crying....

when I turned 16, I thought to myself, I don’t need to see my father, I’m old enough to make my own decisions.... and I’m sure we can all guess how that turned out..... Yup, not good, my father, step mother and that side of the family turned up the mental abuse to 1000%, which made me break down a few times in year 12, which I couldn’t go to any of my classes....

That’s some of my past, I’m so glad my mum met my step dad, he’s been more of a dad to me, I even changed my last name to his, for Father’s Day last year.

I’ve been feeling really bad these last couple of months, but the last few weeks it’s been getting worse. I’ve been cancelling appointments so I don’t have to leave the house, but then I feel so lonely.... I know I have family and friends that are there for me, but I’ve never felt this bad, like I’m so alone and that no one really cares....

I was actually feeling okay for a while, until the guy I was seeing, started messaging me bluntly and when we made plans, he didn’t turn up or message me, I told him how I was feeling and I got nothing in response, he just shrugged it off like I didn’t matter, it made me feel like I didn’t, I just wish he at least could of apologised.

I feel silly, because I’m complaining about my petty problems, and I know that people have it much worse than I do.

It’s kinda funny, even when I’m so down that no one can drag me back out, I’m still helping others.... I just wish that the smile I have, wasn’t always fake, I wish I actually felt what my face was portraying....

I feel like I’m letting everyone down, for feeling like this, I just don’t know what to do anymore....

Please Help Me

[white knight]

Hi Louie, welcome

Ok, lets start at the beginning- it isn't your fault. I'm surprised you lasted until 16 before you jumped ship, or wanted to. My eldest daughter came to live with me at 12yo even though she had pressure not to. My youngest at 13yo rang me and told me she didn't want to visit anymore (due to my partner then- the step mother from hell).

So the PTSD you feel is real and the guilt you possess will eat you up. All these symptoms have an overall negative effect on your thinking and - motivation. You need specialist care, start with your GP and get referrals. It helped me enormously in 1987-1989 and to this day I use those teachings to cope with life and achieve my goals.

Family....that word, doesn't need to be blood. You proved that. Your dads side of your "family" you don't need however, I wouldn't discount a personal relationship maybe meeting dad once a year privately as this would be the humane thing to do. He would have had to play the middle ground a lot with his partner and her family and going from my experience that isn't easy. Just saying.

You seem depressed and this is why a GP visit is so crucial. Depression, if you have it, needs many approaches not just a wait and see attitude. Below I've listed several threads you can google. It's worth reading at least the first post of each.

If you want to respond by all means do.

Google

Beyondblue topic depression, the timing of motivation

Beyondblue topic guilt anothers glory

Beyondblue topic can back to basics help you?

Beyondblue topic finding yourself

Beyondblue topic narcissism

I hope they help.

TonyWK

[Orange_Stone]

Hi Louie95

First of all I’d just like to say that you are so brave. It takes a lot to put your deepest feelings into words & then to post those on the internet for anyone to read. Just as a start, you should feel so proud of yourself for doing that x

I cant imagine how hard it has been for you to endure such an upbringing & I’m so sorry for all your hardship.
I can’t empathise with all of your experiences but I want to tell you that you should never be made to feel that you have to validate your experiences to feel the way that you feel. I hope that makes sense…. What I mean is that however you feel is okay, whatever you feel. & there never has to be a reason or justification for that. Even the least complex of life problems can drag us down so it’s 100000% okay to feel the way you feel just based off of what you have shared.
I can absolutely assure you that there are people out there that do care and I hope you sharing so bravely is the experience that shows you that.
I’’ve definitely been where you are in terms of not being able to leave the house, and even being on a journey of healing (including therapy, strong support networks, being on the right medication for me, etc), I still have days where it’s basically impossible to get out of bed. And I’m doing so much better than I was.. I love my job, I am supported at work & at home & even still I struggle some days, so you should totally feel so so proud of yourself every single day that you get out bed, even if it’s to just take a shower.

If it’s one bit of advice I can give you is please get yourself to regular dr’s appointments & you don’t even need to give details, but tell them what you feel, and be open to the advice that they give or the options they provide. Stand up for what you feel, what you believe you deserve in terms of the support you need to start to feel better. I have had experiences with GP’s that didn’t believe I was genuine in what I was feeling & basically thought I just wanted to not work & get paid for it through Centrelink & was exaggerating what I feel. But I am so glad that I refused to listen to those voices & sought out the right ones.
Please know that you aren’t and haven’t let anyone down, and that there is a way out. Theres always a way out.
Stay strong