I have just left my partner of 9 months, 10th time is a charm, and this time I want it to be for good. Apologies for the long story but I’m sure this will always be very cleansing for me to open up.
I met him over a year ago through tinder. He’s due to turn 40 this year, I’m 28. My therapist believes from what I’ve told her that he has borderline PD, and narcissistic too. I knew something was off about him from the start. He came on very strong, showered me with upmost attention, acted caring and attentive. He put me high up on a pedestal. He pushed a relationship after only one date even though I was adamant about taking things slow, and love bombing me within three weeks of knowing me. Massive red flag.
He was deceitful, manipulative and needed constant validation, if it wasn’t from me than it was other women. He disrespected me through sexting others and sending half naked photos of himself. I never discovered him physically cheating but my gut feeling was telling me he had, which I trust especially from his other behaviour.
He would go silent on me for days on end if I voiced my needs and wants not being met. It was definitely his need to gain power over me. But I also wonder what else he was doing on those silent days and if he was with other women.
All the names I got called when we would argue, I.e a psycho, bore, crazy, and apparently passive aggressive.
I felt so worthless, unappreciated andndevalued in the relationship. I kept idealising a fantasy of what this person could be, only focusing on the good, rather than what he really was and overlooking the bad. When our times were good and I felt loved, I was in ecstasy.
I’m still addicted to the high of making up, seeing his name pop up on my phone, and the crumbs of the intimate moments we shared, and I kept going back for more of it. I always ended up missing him and wanting him hence why I took him back. I know the underlying reasons why weren’t healthy, and need to go walk away for myself and my future. I truly deserve far better.
I grew up in an emotionally abusive and dysfunctional environment of my mother being an alcoholic, and witnessing intense arguments between my parents. My understanding is that I found comfort in the abuse my borderline was giving me.
I’m in therapy now to overcome the codependency and learning to love myself for the first time, but wanted to gain extra support in my weak moments of unblocking him...
Can anyone else relate to my experience?
