Past Trauma ruining today

[Coco1696]

Hi there, I am married with four children and my past life is catching up to me. My husband is generous and loving and an amazing father. I am sabotaging our relationship with my controlling behaviour and jealous rages. I was sexually and physically abused for a period of about 6 months when I was nineteen (my first boyfriend). He decimated my self worth and esteem. I thought I had done so much work on myself, reading/understanding/not blaming myself etc but apparently I have a long way to go

I still carry that worthlessness with me today and have this completely irrational fear that my husband is cheating on me or is planning to leave me. Every woman is a threat to me because every woman is better than me. I’m angry a lot and so controlling of him that he can barely breathe.

My rational mind knows my husband loves me and is devoted to me but lately I’ve been spiraling out of control and accusing him of these terrible things. I’m so ashamed of my behaviour.

How can I banish these irrational thoughts (and actions) . I’m lost.

[Alexisme94]

Hey!
Have you talked to your husband about how your feeling and why? Perhaps he can suggest something to rest your fears?

As well as that, I'd honestly say seeing a psychologist or counsellor would benefit you as they can give you the tools to handle irrational thoughts/actions! And perhaps work you through your past trauma so you can better heal from what happened.

I understand that worthless feeling but I'm sure he loves you! He picked you to marry after all. He obviously thinks your worth something! 🙂 But definitely a good idea to get tools to help you find worth in yourself too.

Good luck ❤️

[PamelaR]

Hi Coco and warm welcome to Beyond Blue

My heart goes out to you. Sexual abuse causes so much trauma, pain and it can take time to heal and recover. While the triggers may continue over your life, it does become easier to manage the anxiety and stress that the triggers cause. Alexisme has given you some good advice about seeing someone, like a counsellor or psychologist. They can help to recover.

I would also suggest you start by seeing your doctor first to get a referral on a mental health plan.

Feel free to search through our threads here on the forum. Though just remember that some of these, especially under this forum (PTSD and trauma) can be triggering.

You're not alone Coco. Keep reaching out if and when you want to.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

Over the years my wife and I have separately sort therapy when we seem to self destruct, a rut.

Seek help. Ask your GP for a referal.

You'll be ok. Your hubby will be grateful and proud.

TonyWK

[Idkme]

Hi Alexisme94.

I know that feeling.... I have a similar feeling in my marriage of 23 years and never a reason to believe he would cheat. It’s definitely linked to control, it’s really really hard for me to let go and trust people.

I found it helped when I wrote him letters to explain how I felt or read him out bits of journal writing I wrote that I wanted him to understand because I struggle to talk TO him.

I am seeing a psychologist at the moment. I’ve had 10 visits and I’ve definitely seen an improvement in my awareness but still have a long way to go.

I hope you can find a way to communicate your love. Communication is the biggest issue with most problems.