Marriage impacted by my sexual abuse/complex PTSD/Sexuality confusion

[Long_journey]

Hi all, I have been in the same relationship for almost 16 years (married for 8), I have 2 beautiful kids - which are my true joy. However my life is slowly fracturing. I know that it is my own lived experience more than anything else that is to blame. I was raised in a physical/emotionally abusive house - I am the youngest of 4 sons; and by the time I as 6 I was also being sexually abused by an older brother, this abuse continued until I was 14. It became a 'normal' part of life. As a result of this childhood I have cPTSD, and almost all aspects of life give me anxiety - I have become very good at appearing 'happy', when actually under the facade I am broken.

I have no birth family now, I have completely escaped - for my own health. My only family now is my wife's family. They know my childhood story, and are somewhat understanding. I have an amazing Dr Psychologist who has helped me a lot. But there are some things that are just not getting easier.

My sexuality is confused. I think I am bisexual -but am disgusted in myself, and also fascinated with the idea- unfortunately these thoughts often take me back to my sexual abuse. I am trying to accept that this is me, but I will never know if I am bi because of my abuse that began when I was so young, or if I am this way 'naturally'. Acceptance of myself is the only way I can move on from this.

Unfortunately my wife is conservative and when I told her about my Bi thoughts about 8 months ago, she didn't talk to me for several days, and then it took at least a month of pain for us to get back to some kind of normal relationship. My wife can't accept who I am - I did tell her in our first week together when we were young, that I had 'experimented' with a male housemate a couple of years prior (my only MM experience), she was okay with that. I have been monogamous for our entire marriage. But I now find that I need to know (definitively) my sexuality - of course I risk my own life (and impact my wife and kids lives) if it all goes wrong. I want to tell my wife again - I am a very honest person - but am afraid of an even worse response than the first time I raised the topic. The only other option is to have a 'fling' on the side - which would create other awful emotions - guilt, being the main one...and maybe more confusion.

I am 42 and still don't know who I am. It breaks me everyday. The clock is ticking, and I have so much regret. I love my wife so much and don't want to hurt her.

Thanks in advance.

[Doolhof]

Hi Long Journey,

You have quite a story to tell! Welcome to the community here. There may well be others who have experienced something similar and may read your story and reach out to you.

I would like to suggest that you contact a sexual health phone support service and talk to someone there about how you are feeling. They may be able to offer you some ideas and support.

Relationships Australia may be able to offer suggestions on how to communicate your feelings with your wife maybe.

Sharing your story here may help you to clarify what you are thinking.

It is no wonder you are confused about your identity due to what happened to you. We all need to have a sense of who we are and where we are heading.

I'm wondering if it may be beneficial to grab pen and paper and to write down what life is like for you now, what you think it could be like if you did things differently from today on and consider the consequences of any decisions you make.

This is a difficult situation for you and your wife. Have you tried some couples counselling so you can discuss how you are feeling with someone guiding the conversation?

If you have a look through some of the other thread titles here, you will find stories written by men who too have had some tough decisions to make regarding their sexuality.

Not sure I have been too much help! Just want to let you know you are welcome here, you can share how you are feeling openly and hopefully other people can offer you support and suggestions.

Cheers to you from Dools

[White_Rose]

Dear Long journey

It's good to meet you and welcome you to the forum. I am very sad your childhood was so dreadful and for the resulting confusion. I think you have to have experienced this to be fully empathic but I can see how bad this was. No child deserves this kind of treatment and I think it's a wise move to cut ties with your family. I hope you are comfortable with your in-laws.

There are various organisations that help people with sexual confusion. One is QLife and their web address is https://qlife.org.au/ Although they talk about the LGBTI community I am sure they can help you or point you to somewhere to get help.

I take it you have not discussed this with your psychologist. If you can bring yourself to talk it may be very helpful but in the meantime have a look for safe websites such as QLife. It is a national service. Have a look or try other support groups. Talking to professionals is good but suggestions from those who have lived experience is extremely valuable. This is why Beyond Blue and this forum are held in high esteem.

I suggest you do not experiment on your own. You have identified it is a risky process and I think you are correct. Try to find a group that can offer help and support.

Meanwhile, if you feel comfortable, keep posting here.

Mary

[Long_journey]

Thank you both Dools and Mary,

I know my wife and I are in an awful situation. My heart is screaming.

I have written down with/without/ and consequences, and there are pros and cons under each - consequences come from doing something about, and also not doing something.

I will seek out Relationships Aust and Qlife in the hope that someone can point me in a vaguely 'right' direction.

I have discussed this with my psych this year, but nowhere near enough - I always have so much ground to cover in the short time we have together. I will be seeing her in Mid January - and am desperate for the day to arrive.

Yes, as much as I want to experience/experiment (to help understand) I know this would be the worst possible action to take.

P.S. My in-laws are 'perfect'. As in they see them selves better than others, unfortunately my wife has been afflicted this with way of being as she was raised by them...my wife has never known pain or tragedy...and so gets bored of my attempt at survival quite quickly, whenever I fall back down . For her to have me as her husband is quite difficult for her some days...poor her, she didn't know my full childhood until 5 years ago, when I had a break down...my sexuality issue is just icing on the cake...

Thanks again to you both for your thoughts and care, I am very grateful.

[Daisy G]

Hi Long Journey,

I feel your pain. I also can understand not knowing if your sexual desires are what you truly want or due to the sexual abuse you survived. I am 43 and in a very similar situation. My husband has little empathy for what I’m going through and is constantly making everything about him. I am currently undergoing EMDR therapy and it has been good, if not very hard. I feel a great desire to experience a Dom/Sub relationship - but is that because I associate sex with violence or is it because that is what turns me on. I know it can feel as though you have to make these decisions now, but give yourself time to heal. This is a safe place and full of very supportive people.

Daisy G