Past experiences haunting my relationships

[Givemebackmysoul]

Hi,

I would love some advice as I feel as though my friends are sick of my mood swings and don’t understand what I am trying to say. I promise this isn’t just me ranting about my non-existent love life.

A guy I like recently added me on fb and started messaging. From the times that I have met him in person I’ve been incredibly drawn to him and he seems like such a kind guy, but, I started to freak out. Getting messages from him was amplifying my anxiety, I was getting chest tightness, nausea and losing my appetite, going nights without meals because I couldn’t stomach it, but I still wanted to talk to him.

I ended up asking him what his intentions were and said I wasn’t ready for a relationship as I currently have just started seeking a psych for previous sexual assault and have had bad experiences with obsessive men (I did not disclose these details to him, rather that I had been just having bad anxiety due to previous experiences and that wanted to clear the air so this wouldn’t blow up in my face again) and I thought he would be understanding. Instead he left my messages on read and removed me as a friend on fb because I had essentially ‘rejected him’.

I received a message from him today saying that I was ‘too rough’ and he didn’t want to be the ‘cause of anxiety or drama’.

This really hurt because I was hoping to talk things through with him, that he would be understanding. I didn’t want to stop speaking to him I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page about not being interested in relationships. He is a health professional (this is how we first met) so I thought he would be more empathetic?

It’s made me feel so shitty about myself. I’m embarrassed and I feel so low, not to mention my anxiety is still how it was when I was talking to him. I dont know what I’d do if I see him at work and I just feel so crushed and worthless. None of my friends understand because I ‘barely’ knew him but I think what has me upset most is that this will always happen. The reason I am so weary is because I boy in high school I said I just wanted to be friends with ended up threatening to kill himself “because of me” and blamed me for wanting to die. I didn’t want to lead this guy into thinking I like him (which I do) but turn around as I got to know him and realise I don’t, and then have him follow the same pattern.

I dont know if posting in this forum is even the right place to post this but I didn’t know what else to do.

Please let me know what you think

[PamelaR]

Hi Givemebackmysoul and welcome to Beyond Blue

It's good you've found your way to our forums. And yes, you have come to the right place. Things are sounding very difficult and dare I say confusing for you at the moment. So I'm really pleased to hear you started to see a psychologist about the trauma you've experienced.

I'm not a health professional, just someone who has lived experience with PTSD (from sexual trauma), anxiety and depression. For me, I would talk with my psych about what has happened with this person from work. Therapy takes time. What you are experiencing - mood swings, amplified anxiety, feeling low - are all things I experienced when triggered. So in a way what you are experiencing is usual - you're not alone. It's just hard to understand and to try to move forward isn't it?

As my therapy progressed, situations that triggered me became more manageable. It enabled different responses - meaning I didn't upset people like I used to. At times I forget myself, but mostly I've recovered and healed.

Those patterns you talk about - these can be changed. It takes time using various tools that your psych can give you. Each person is different and each person will find what works for them, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't. Hopefully the psych you are seeing is someone who knows about trauma therapy.

There are many different ways to manage how you are feeling. If you are up to it, browse our forums. Maybe do keyword searches using the search tool at the top of our webpage, e.g. -

• sexual assault
• PTSD sexual assault
• Sharing strategies to help with PTSD

Hope some of this helps. Keep reaching out if and when you want to. No pressure.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Alexlisa]

Hello Hivemebackmysoul,

I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time. It sound really tough, so I’m glad you reached out here.

I agree with everything PamelaR said and just wanted to add that it’s absolutely, 100% ok that you stood up for what felt right for you. If you’re not comfortable with the way any relationship progresses it’s absolutely your right and duty to yourself to ask for what you need. And it’s really brave that you were able to do this. I’m proud of you for speaking up.

His lack of empathy really is disappointing and I can see how this could make you think that you’ve done something wrong. But maybe it’s just best in this case to think that he has his own issues that he needs to deal with in himself that has bought on this reaction in him. And at the end of the day, someone who has made you feel like you can’t speak up is probably not worth your time. I hope this doesn’t sound too forward of me, but I just want you to know that you’ve been strong and deserve someone who’ll respect you.

It’s great that you’ve started therapy. And like PamelaR said, hopefully it’s with someone who has experience working with trauma. Please be patient with yourself and the process. It can take time and I found at times it was a bit overwhelming, but it was all worth it in the end. Trauma is absolutely treatable and I don’t want you to get too worried about the future yet because you’re just at the start of the journey. You’re brave for taking this step.

Take care, ok

Alexlisa