How to get over the guilt

[Ebsmeads]

3 years on from when i was strong enough to leave a 10 year 3 children DV relationship. He went to prison for 3 pitiful months only to receive a 21 month suspense sentence all thanks to the reference letter from his new gf. 6 months later he broke that bond by horrendously attacking his gf and her elderly father. 2 years on and it's crunch time. I was asked to stand up in court. Here's the issue 2 years he did have any contact with our children then the phone call with him telling me what he did again...cautiously I kept communication open and established a small connection (no child contact) I'm an enabler. I thought he had changed not completely but was conscious of his actions. 6 months later I reestablished his relationship with his children (even though the kids didn't agree) all because I didn't want the repercussions years down the track from teenage kids resenting me for keeping their father away. Things went ok but each drop off was he'll kids screaming etc. 12 months in and everything changed I noticed he wasn't handling the kids when he had them then my worst nightmare he physically touched my 10 yr old son. I was so angry and cut all ties until he sorted the court case. Turns out the prosecutor is chasing jail time. I want him to be punished and to stop him from hurting others but I'm scared of the reorecutions if he is not incarcerated. But above all I feel guilty even though I think he is dangerous and I can't get over it and I don't understand why. Any suggestions are appreciated.

[Croix]

Dear Ebsmeads~

Reading your posts I think there are two separate problems, I'm not entirely sure I get the sequence of events in relation to your ex's court appearances.

Due to your testimony 3 years ago he received 24 months, 21 suspended. Presumably he was found to have broken his conditions by assaulting his GF and then served the remainder.

Since then you cautiously allowed him increasing contact with the children and you found he assaulted your 10 y.o. Now that matter is in court. You will have to testify and are scared of repercussions if he is not put away but left loose.

I'm not sure you have much choice, practically if you have given a statement you are expected to keep on going with it, and to allow your ex to do as he pleases to the detriment of your, and possibly others, is not something you would be able to easily live with

My only reply I can give you regarding guilt is to say you obviously thought things though and were mindful of the long term effects on your children in being denied a father. It is unfortunate that did not work out and your increasing trust misplaced, and your children distressed, however that is his doing, not yours.

One does not have to deserve guilt to feel it, and I think you acted sensibly. I also suspect you are in a no-win situation. If you had enforced separation strictly you may well have felt guilt over that, by allowing some contact which has gone badly you have guilt about that instead.

Can I ask if you have anyone to support you? A family member or freind perhaps? Trying to face court, plus being a mother and your own feelings is very hard and having someone to share the burden, even a little, can be a real help.

I'd also suggest you contact Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) and 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732 ) to gain the advice and support of those professionals deal with such situations on a daily basis.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

If I've got this wrong I apologize.