Ongoing mental health issues

[Guest3564798]

I’m not entirely sure what I’m hoping to get from writing this, but I need to say it somewhere.

I’ve been struggling for around 15 years with what I believe are undiagnosed depression, anxiety, and ADHD. As I’ve gotten older, I feel less stable — more reactive, more overwhelmed — and at times I find myself wishing I simply didn’t exist.

I carry multiple layers of trauma from my childhood and early adulthood, including physical abuse, parental neglect, sexual assault, bullying, and infidelity in a past relationship. Those experiences still feel very present in the way I move through the world.

I have difficulty forming meaningful connections and often feel like an outsider. I’m currently in a healthy, supportive relationship, which I’m grateful for, but beyond that I struggle to build close friendships — especially when it feels like everyone is too busy to make space for me.

I know I need help, but I feel unmotivated to pursue it. I haven’t found a therapist I feel safe or comfortable with, and the idea of sitting and talking about myself to a stranger makes me deeply uncomfortable.

I don’t know exactly what I’m asking for — but I know I don’t want to keep feeling like this.

[Ggrand]

Dear Guest,

Welcome to the forums.

I am so sorry you’re feeling this way, struggling for 15 years with undiagnosed anxiety, depression, anxiety and ADHD, would be very hard for you to get on top of it and manage it…I can understand how you don’t want to feel like that anymore….my heart goes out to you…it’s so hard to try to fix ourselves….

Your past is very similar to my past and the hurt we carry from it could last a life time… for many years I did not reach out for help and continued to have a life that was filled will triggers, sadness, reminders, fear of people and not wanting to leave my home that kept dragging me into a deeper and dark depression….eventually with the gentle suggestions from the wonderful community members here, I found my courage and reached out to my Dr…who set up a Mental Health Care Plan with a professional therapist…at first it was hard to talk about my past traumas, it took a few sessions before I was comfortable to do so…I just want to let you know that your in control of the sessions, you only talk about what you feel comfortable talking about…mostly they give you different ways to manage your triggers….Im gently urging you to please reach out to your Dr for the help you so much deserve and need…

My kindest thoughts and care, Dear Guest..

Grandy..

[Doors24]

Dear Guest,

If it can be of any help, I would like to come at it from a different perspective. The “stranger” is a professional bound by confidentiality. And a ethical code of conduct. They are also anonymous in your life. Just your mental health professional. It is a conflict of interest to have your professional be someone you knew previously in your personal life, like a friend or the mother of your friend etc. They can’t come into your personal space or life after you engage them either. They are completely separate from your everyday existence. So you have more freedom to express yourself and say what you really need to, to them. They can’t leave the session and gossip about anything you have said. They can’t go up to the people you may have spoken about and tell them what you said about them. If they see you in the street or supermarket, you may just find they won’t wave or even say hello if they pass you. Because there are boundaries to keep. And they are a professional who is trained in listening to you and helping you with your mental health needs. You are not friends and never will be. Your interactions will be contained to the room you see them in or conversation on telehealth.

In my decade with my psychologist, they have never met my family members or people in my life, talked to them in person/on the phone or even seen a photo of them. And the people in my life have never seen the face of my psychologist either. Never been to their office. They may just know a name. A first name too.

So while I do understand how vulnerable it can feel to open up and it may take time to click with your professional, it does happen. And I hope it can for you too.

Doors24

This complete lack of connection to my life is what makes it so safe and secure to talk about what I need to, to a mental health professional. And if I am honest, I don’t think that they haven’t heard anything I have said to them either before.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life that is challenging you in so many ways, including incredibly deep ways.

I believe it can be so hard to know exactly what it is we're asking for at times. Perhaps it relates to not knowing how to put our feelings into words. 'How do I put into words this feeling that is a combination of longing, desperation, readiness for change? How do I put into to words the type of exhaustion I'm sick of or I feel sick from feeling? How do I put into words this anger that is not simple anger? It is so complex. How do I put into words where or who I want to be in life when such visions aren't at all clear to me to begin with?'. Sometimes the key questions, that unlock it all, are 'Who is the best person to help me put it all into words, words that make complete sense to me? Who can I trust not to judge me but simply help me find my words?'.

As a gal who feels the compulsion to analyse the hell of my challenges (including the depressing ones), I can be criticised for doing so. There's all that 'advice' that doesn't necessarily help in any way, 'You're too analytical. You just need to get on with life. You're your own worst enemy. Stop dwelling' and all that kind of stuff. The thing is...I found that if I analyse the hell out of things, there's a kind of liberating sense of separation that comes from this process (a little bit of heaven on earth). On one hand there is me, with this brain I have not yet completely mastered or come to fully understand, a brain or processor of experiences, memories, beliefs and more. There is me and this body I'm in that feels yet I cannot always understand how it feels or why it's feeling the impact of people, inner dialogue, experiences and everything else it leads me to sense. 'What do I think?' and 'How do I feel?' may be simple questions yet the answers can be so complex to the point where we can struggle to find the right words.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi and welcome,

I can relate to much of what you write. I have multiple layers of trauma too and I found it eventually caught up with me so I sort of had to address it. I also strongly relate to the difficulty in forming connections and feeling like an outsider. I think that experience is really common for people with complex trauma.

With regard to getting help, I have found I have just had to persevere to find the right people. I do now have a good psychologist but I went through multiple experiences with therapists I did not feel comfortable with, hence those earlier attempts at help did not go anywhere much, and in some cases were harmful. I imagine with your history that trust is a really big issue, so finding a therapist you genuinely connect with would be absolutely essential for any meaningful therapy work to happen.

For me, self-education and researching about my own experiences has been essential in the process. The way I found my current therapist was through researching different approaches to trauma. I came across a somatic approach I connected with, as straight talk therapy wasn't cutting it for me, and then I searched for practitioners who did that modality. Even then, I had to try several somatic-based practitioners (mostly psychologists plus a few others) before I found my current therapist. I can really only say that hope and perseverance were the answer, but I have someone now I can work with and have been able to open up and deal with past trauma stuff in ways that just didn't work with other therapists.

It's not an easy process dealing with layers of trauma and I can understand feeling uncomfortable and reticent about trying to deal with it. If you can find a good therapist, the co-presence and validation of another human being getting it is a core element of healing. For those of us who have had our trust betrayed in various ways, having someone hold space for us safely is often the most healing thing that can happen. As a starting point you could try giving the Blue Knot Foundation a ring who provide a free counselling service for people with complex trauma from childhood. You would qualify based on what you have described. Having a chat with them may be a starting point for sharing your feelings with someone and finding a way to move forward. Blue Knot are available on 1300 657 380. They allow people to call for one session a week for a 30 minute chat. They are in high demand so there can be a phone queue, but there is an option to leave a message and they will call back in 48-72 hours if you don't want to wait.

Some other things I've found helpful have been a very gentle form of restorative yoga and also a modality called Bowen therapy which involves gentle adjustments to the fascia (connective tissue) which helps reset the autonomic nervous system. I have found the practitioner makes all the difference with these things too. I wish I still lived near the yoga practitioner who was just a healing person the way she ran the classes but I'm no longer in the city now. Finding the right people doing the right approaches for you is really the challenge, and I think that helps those of us with complex trauma stuff to gradually then know how to heal ourselves when we lacked that input growing up.

Those are just some thoughts. Feel free to keep chatting here if it helps and take care,

Eagle Ray

[Serge]

Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you’ve been carrying an enormous amount for a very long time, and I’m really glad you said something instead of holding it all alone.

You don’t need to have all the answers right now, and you don’t have to force yourself to open up before you feel safe. The fact that you’re still here, still reflecting, and still wanting things to change says a lot. Please keep reaching out, even in small ways. You deserve support and connection.