Hi, I'm Nova
I have only recently, in the last year, tried to get to the bottom & work my way out of my Mental Health Chaos. I don't think I know all the genises of my chaos, but I am aware of quiet a few & I have a few suspicions as well.
I was abused by a friend of the family, around 6.
I was hospitalised at 7 for 45 days with a life threatening condition. I felt abandoned, confused and in a LOT of pain. I was left with a turned eye, shaved head & horrific memories. I never felt like I fit in anywhere after that.
I was abused by a family member from age 9 for several years.
I met my husband at 16, was wooed & promised so much, married at 20, had 3 children. Over the years I was dragged down to a place where I had no self esteem, questioned my intellect, memory & beliefs. I had nothing left of me I didnt doubt. I was so ill I could barely function. I was progressively diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, chronic insomnia, PTSD, Adjustment Disorder and finally c-PTSD. I left him after 25 years together, took my 3 kids, all the clothes I could pack & 2 single beds. I couldn't drive, I could barely make myself move. I was also struggling with bulemia & walking pneumonia. I believe I was in a delusional state as I remember having "friends" that didn't exist.
I lived in constant fear. He would come to work & spread lies & intimidate my co-workers. He would break into my rental home & menace me through the house screaming all my faults at me, trying to make the children side with him & make them come home.
I met someone 18 months after I left the marital home. Eventually we moved 4 hours away from where he was. It was only after I learned that I was safe, respected & loved that my Mental Health became obviously out of control. Benign events, words, sounds would trigger me into a chaotic, nonverbal, traumatised puddle. Small things would spiral me into self loathing, fear & regression. I apologise ALL the time.
Today I am in fortnightly trauma therapy & some days I feel like it might even work. I accept that I am broken, possibly beyond repair, but being mentally ill is not going to stop me living my best life. I Live with my partner who I also am full time carer for. I have two of my 3 children with me, my youngest, the one with Autism and ID, & my eldest who has bipolar & chronic insomnia, both of whom I am also carer. All three care for me especially when I turn into a nonverbal puddle. I learned to drive at 46.
