PTSD and Trauma

Worse then ever

replies: 1

It has been a while since I posted well sadly I am not in a good way. While I am not remembering my dreams I am waking up during the night for the last 5 nights and have been very unwell I can only assume that I am having nightmares thanks to my cous... View more

It has been a while since I posted well sadly I am not in a good way. While I am not remembering my dreams I am waking up during the night for the last 5 nights and have been very unwell I can only assume that I am having nightmares thanks to my cousin. My friend who I could turn to is not around at the moment so I am just having to suffer in silence. This is not a way to live. If I could go back I would stay right out of the situation that day, made my voice more clear. Got help a lot sooner

Nova is Here

replies: 1

Hi, I'm Nova I have only recently, in the last year, tried to get to the bottom & work my way out of my Mental Health Chaos. I don't think I know all the genises of my chaos, but I am aware of quiet a few & I have a few suspicions as well. I was abus... View more

Hi, I'm Nova I have only recently, in the last year, tried to get to the bottom & work my way out of my Mental Health Chaos. I don't think I know all the genises of my chaos, but I am aware of quiet a few & I have a few suspicions as well. I was abused by a friend of the family, around 6. I was hospitalised at 7 for 45 days with a life threatening condition. I felt abandoned, confused and in a LOT of pain. I was left with a turned eye, shaved head & horrific memories. I never felt like I fit in anywhere after that. I was abused by a family member from age 9 for several years. I met my husband at 16, was wooed & promised so much, married at 20, had 3 children. Over the years I was dragged down to a place where I had no self esteem, questioned my intellect, memory & beliefs. I had nothing left of me I didnt doubt. I was so ill I could barely function. I was progressively diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, chronic insomnia, PTSD, Adjustment Disorder and finally c-PTSD. I left him after 25 years together, took my 3 kids, all the clothes I could pack & 2 single beds. I couldn't drive, I could barely make myself move. I was also struggling with bulemia & walking pneumonia. I believe I was in a delusional state as I remember having "friends" that didn't exist. I lived in constant fear. He would come to work & spread lies & intimidate my co-workers. He would break into my rental home & menace me through the house screaming all my faults at me, trying to make the children side with him & make them come home. I met someone 18 months after I left the marital home. Eventually we moved 4 hours away from where he was. It was only after I learned that I was safe, respected & loved that my Mental Health became obviously out of control. Benign events, words, sounds would trigger me into a chaotic, nonverbal, traumatised puddle. Small things would spiral me into self loathing, fear & regression. I apologise ALL the time. Today I am in fortnightly trauma therapy & some days I feel like it might even work. I accept that I am broken, possibly beyond repair, but being mentally ill is not going to stop me living my best life. I Live with my partner who I also am full time carer for. I have two of my 3 children with me, my youngest, the one with Autism and ID, & my eldest who has bipolar & chronic insomnia, both of whom I am also carer. All three care for me especially when I turn into a nonverbal puddle. I learned to drive at 46.

PTSD

replies: 1

Hi all I'm really struggling with panic attacks that wake me up in the middle of the night usually from nightmares from military stuff. I get so disoriented, shaky to the point it looks like I'm having a seizure and feel the need to just run. Im scar... View more

Hi all I'm really struggling with panic attacks that wake me up in the middle of the night usually from nightmares from military stuff. I get so disoriented, shaky to the point it looks like I'm having a seizure and feel the need to just run. Im scared to go to sleep for fear of waking up like it yet again. I feel one of these night it will give me a heart attack. P l ease help! I'm so exusted tips?

advice on what to do with family members who've caused PTSD

replies: 2

Hi, So on paper I look like I've recovered from a lot of my trauma i.e I have a job and study and seem functioning. But I still maintain a close relationship with my parents who greatly contributed to my PTSD and sometimes I find it hard to tell if t... View more

Hi, So on paper I look like I've recovered from a lot of my trauma i.e I have a job and study and seem functioning. But I still maintain a close relationship with my parents who greatly contributed to my PTSD and sometimes I find it hard to tell if they're the reason I'm still not getting much better. My dad overlooked my brother abusing me as a child and in present day continues to scream, swear and belittle me. When I've discussed how much these behaviours impact me he storms off and won't speak to me for somewhere between days and weeks. His longest was a year. When I don't challenge his behaviours he's a generally kind person who's fairly supportive but these outbursts of belittlement and screaming trigger past memories horribly. He also gaslights me during and after these outbursts to make me feel as if I am to blame for his anger getting out of control which I don't feel is fair. He'll also deny saying horrible things seconds after saying them which makes me feel insane. Alongside this he constantly excuses my mums manipulative behaviour. She always tries to guilt trip me into not moving far away from them (I've lived out of home since 17 but close by due to this) and says things like 'you don't care about my happiness,' 'you won't make it,' and just things along the lines of 'you're not capable enough for that'. As a child she kept me in the house with no contact to anyone else or the outside in general up to age 11 so any comments that make me feel trapped make me go a little crazy for fear of being locked up again. It took a lot for me to break free from that but I feel like the constant reminders of my past in their behaviour are starting to bring me back to rock bottom again and I don't want to lose all the progress I've made. Sorry if this is long and unclear but I'm just unsure on what to do as I don't want to lose a relationship with my only family left but I'm not sure if the mental toll is preventing me from making positive relationships. I feel like I'm slowly screwing up more at work and uni because of all this and I don't want to ruin it all before it's too late. If anyone has any advice on how to even begin managing this kind of situation it'd be greatly appreciated as I'm at a loss and losing hope.

Work based ptsd

replies: 2

Hello everyone, I received a diagnosis of PTSD in October 2018. The reason for my diagnosis is from a previous job where I was exposed to a lot of family dysfunction and child abuse/neglect. I have been seeking psychological assistance for 18 months,... View more

Hello everyone, I received a diagnosis of PTSD in October 2018. The reason for my diagnosis is from a previous job where I was exposed to a lot of family dysfunction and child abuse/neglect. I have been seeking psychological assistance for 18 months, 13 of which have been emdr and it has been incredibly helpful. I no longer work with kids or families, however my current role requires me to read intimate details of childhood abuse. This used to lead to light headedness, accelerated heart rate and agitation, which has since subsided. I do notice though that for the remainder of the day and into the next day I feel emotionally fragile, have little tolerance and notice the hypervigiliance creeping in. I can continue on with my day, challenge my thoughts, engage in mindfulness or distraction ect but something within me just doesn't feel right if that makes sense. I am wondering if anyone has experienced a similar feeling ? I should also say that I have worked incredibly hard to be in the area of work that I am and in no way do i wish to give it up! Thankyou

Trying my best to receive the DSP

replies: 9

Hello, This is my first time ever that I have joined an online forum regarding my mental health so I'm a little bit anxious in writing this. I have struggled all throughout my life, from early child abuse (Physical and mental) from a wicked drunk ste... View more

Hello, This is my first time ever that I have joined an online forum regarding my mental health so I'm a little bit anxious in writing this. I have struggled all throughout my life, from early child abuse (Physical and mental) from a wicked drunk stepfather who was so intimidating and mean. I had no support back then and was always told that I was the problem and had the abuse coming to me. I was told that as a baby I used to rock myself in the cot, back and forth and at 44 years of age I still do this, Autism? I was a mute around people my whole life and still am, I hate myself so much that I can't be outside the house. I am a loner every single day and have had history of schizophrenia, OCD, Anxiety/Depression and just recently after telling my story to a psychiastrist, he believes I have Austism Spectrum Disorder, which looking back into my past, and even now, it really does make sense. Trust in other people I don't have anymore, I have been abused and ridiculed in front of people, and I have told it's my fault. I have bad OCD, but the schizoprenia is the hardest part of everyday life, the thoughts and the symptoms are there every day and night, I only feel I am able to cope when I am at home, alone. I have full backup of my GP, psychiatrist and psychologist of over 20 years to help me with my DSP claim, but I am extremely worried it will be rejected from what I've read on other people's experiences with a claim. Since April 2017, I have had a total of 10 jobs, every one I've been fired from, all from my mental health condition. I mean, how much information do Centrelink need? My entire life story? I have submitted every form to Centrelink that they require so how can they reject my claim? If they don't accept the claim then what next? I am so unfit for work it's not funny, I only leave the house if I absolutely have to (medication, petrol, food). Hope someone who reads this can relate, as I am not really confident that my claim will be successful, I've already been waiting 2 months for this DSP claim

Child Abuse and Neglect survivors

replies: 3

First time poster, needing insight from other survivors. Q is at the bottom if you don't need context I've recently stopped talking to my parents because for the last 30 years they've been incredibly abusive and violent to one another. I had lived wi... View more

First time poster, needing insight from other survivors. Q is at the bottom if you don't need context I've recently stopped talking to my parents because for the last 30 years they've been incredibly abusive and violent to one another. I had lived with my parents on and off over the last (almost) 30 years, when not with my parents I was with my grandparents who were very nurturing and provided me with the few positive memories I've got. I've living independent for a few years now My parents (mostly mum) was very harsh toward myself and my siblings growing up, verbally abusive and made us feel like anything that went wrong in her day was somehow our fault. We were fed, clothed and had a roof over our head but we very rarely received any love. that doesn't sound like a lot when compared sexual and physical abuse survivors, but it's still affected me nonetheless. Mum and dad were even more abusive to each other, violence occurring on occasion from both of them. Our house was the one the cops would always get called to. mum would often ask me to intervene as I was the oldest child, ask me to run next door and call the police on my dad, directly involving me in their fights. they would reset the next day and we made our way to another fight, (1 - 2 times a month). still stuck in this cycle today, a few months ago I finally had enough called it quits, ceasing contact with them for the 2nd time this year (and in my life). strangely, I miss them. but when I think of them I get flashbacks to the abuse. This has been happening since ceasing contact 4 months ago. I know I'll never go back to them as long as they continue their behaviour.. and I know they absolutely will. I'm now coming to terms with life without my parents. Honestly, its bitter sweet. I can now see the results of my childhood. I have trouble forming complex connections with people, I'm hyperventilate regarding my environment and relationships. I'm petrified of my own anger, isolating myself at the first sign of it (Im angry a lot), when I'm not angry, I'm mostly apathetic. I've spent the last 7 years numbing myself with alcohol, party drugs and weed. I've been sober a week now. My question is will I ever move on from my childhood? will I ever be able to regularly feel something other than anger or apathy? Will I ever be able to form meaningful connections with people? Will my flashbacks ever stop? how do you live a happy life when all you've known is the toxic potential of relationships? - P

Lost

replies: 3

Hello I am new to this site as well as Australia. About 5 years ago almost 6 . I was raped my a "friend" and 3 of his friends His reason was . Because I am a lesbian and he wanted to fix me . I just want to feel normal again. I just want to sleep aga... View more

Hello I am new to this site as well as Australia. About 5 years ago almost 6 . I was raped my a "friend" and 3 of his friends His reason was . Because I am a lesbian and he wanted to fix me . I just want to feel normal again. I just want to sleep again I just want to love again . You never know how much you miss a cuddle untill your head and heart tells you not you can not have it.

PTSD and grief. How do people manage?

replies: 3

The Christmas/new year period has always been particularly hard for me. I always feel like everyone gets on social media and tells everyone how wonderful their year was and how excited they are for the new year and all the great things it has to offe... View more

The Christmas/new year period has always been particularly hard for me. I always feel like everyone gets on social media and tells everyone how wonderful their year was and how excited they are for the new year and all the great things it has to offer. It’s for this very reason that I’ve been off social media for the past 2.5 years. For the past 10 years I have struggled with anxiety and have really tried to figure where I fit in in life. But 2019 has by far been the worst year yet. I was sexually assaulted which resulted in pregnancy. I accepted the pregnancy and decided that I would tackle this situation head on. I have always dreamt of becoming a mother and this horrible situation was allowing me this chance. Not long after I discovered I was carrying twins. Again I thought to myself I am truly blessed because even though something terrible and unimaginable had happened this was my silver lining and like was looking up. At 13 weeks I learnt that my babies were not meant to be and I continued to remind myself that I would be ok and things would get better. For the rest of the year I have continued to fight and try and figure out where I belong. My PTSD is out of control. I get around 3 hours sleep a night if I’m lucky. Everyday life is draining and I’m trying my best to stay a float. A random smell or a image from the past sends me into complete meltdown mode. I just cry all the time. My chest feels like it’s being squished and my skin crawls with a tingling and painful feeling. And once I’m in this state it takes forever to calm back down. How do people cope? How do you stop yourself from getting into this state? 2019 really really kicked my butt. I need 2020 to be my year. I need to still find the good in the world. Coming up on Jan 17th it will be 12 months since the assault. I really hope that someday I will see how all these situations have helped me to become strong and to fight each and everyday. Because all I can see right now is my world crashing down around me. 2019 was a great year for some I’m sure, but for me 2019 tried to kill me, emotionally and physically. So 2020 had better be a winner because I know I can’t have another year like last year. I barely survived and I’m not sure I could survive all that again.

PTSD & Guilt - a combination from hell?

replies: 4

Last year I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and an anxiety disorder. I went through a massive process with my psych last year and did some amazing healing but the PTSD feels so unshakeable... I constantly am living in an altered state of reality ... View more

Last year I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and an anxiety disorder. I went through a massive process with my psych last year and did some amazing healing but the PTSD feels so unshakeable... I constantly am living in an altered state of reality and I can never see anything for what it really is. So often I come off as nasty and cold to people I care about but internally it's a massive mental battle. The guilt I feel for being so cold eats away at me so much, to the point where I dread people even saying hello in case I come off as a b*tch. I love being around people and talking to them but right now I'm not okay and it's so hard for me to fake it. When I was 15 I ran away from home after years and years of abuse, watching my Mum get beaten, having strange and scary people do drugs around me because I was forced to live in a dealers house, I was constantly watched and followed, never allowed to eat, I would have to sneak out of my room hoping no one would see me just so I could use the toilet or get a drink of water. I would drink about 6 or 7 cups of tea a day just to try and fill my stomach with something. When I escaped, I found myself in a living situation that was just as mentally abusive and struggled for another 2 years, constantly being watched and judged and made to feel unsafe. Now I live in a state of disconnect, even though for once in my life the house I'm living in is safe. My body is constantly tense, my heart pounds out of my chest if my boyfriend leaves the door to our room open. It takes me hours to build up the courage to go shower or make food. I'm currently living with my in-laws who are lovely but super nosy, and it sends my anxiety through the roof. Something as simple as the dad saying hello and looking over my shoulder makes me panic, and shake and feel like I'm about to get killed. My PTSD affects my every moment, every thought, every action. I feel so alone in this battle, having no one truly understand. The only person that knows I have this diagnosis is my partner and while he is supportive, he doesn't understand. I feel guilty for being so blunt with the people who offer me a safe space in their home. I'm going to try and get approved for some more sessions with a therapist in the new years because I can't carry on like this. I don't know what I'm searching for with the post. This mental disorder is a lot to deal with, I think I really just needed to vent. Any thoughts or ideas about coping would be so appreciated.

Pinned discussions

PTSD for Medical and First Responders

replies: 276

All discussions

Worse then ever

replies: 1

Nova is Here

replies: 1

PTSD

replies: 1

advice on what to do with family members who've caused PTSD

replies: 2

Work based ptsd

replies: 2

Trying my best to receive the DSP

replies: 9

Child Abuse and Neglect survivors

replies: 3

Lost

replies: 3

PTSD and grief. How do people manage?

replies: 3

PTSD & Guilt - a combination from hell?

replies: 4

PTSD and trauma

PTSD for Medical and First Responders replies: 276

Worse then ever replies: 1

Nova is Here replies: 1

PTSD replies: 1

advice on what to do with family members who've caused PTSD replies: 2

Work based ptsd replies: 2

Trying my best to receive the DSP replies: 9

Child Abuse and Neglect survivors replies: 3

Lost replies: 3

PTSD and grief. How do people manage? replies: 3

PTSD & Guilt - a combination from hell? replies: 4

PTSD for Medical and First Responders

replies: 276

Worse then ever

replies: 1

Nova is Here

replies: 1

PTSD

replies: 1

advice on what to do with family members who've caused PTSD

replies: 2

Work based ptsd

replies: 2

Trying my best to receive the DSP

replies: 9

Child Abuse and Neglect survivors

replies: 3

Lost

replies: 3

PTSD and grief. How do people manage?

replies: 3

PTSD & Guilt - a combination from hell?

replies: 4