Struggling to cope knowing brother brutally murdered ex-girlfriend

[Sarah_M]

Hi, I am new to online forums so I am not sure where to start. I have been working hard for the last 20 years to recover from a childhood of neglect and emotional abuse, and it’s consequences including severe anxiety and depression. In some ways I am doing okay now - I am married and have a son and getting back into some work after 5 years raising my son (and dealing with post natal depression and anxiety).

But I struggle with a dark family secret - 10 years ago my brother brutally raped and murdered his ex girlfriend. I feel such intense shame and anger and sadness. I didn’t have a close relationship with my brother growing up (he was quite a selfish and cruel older brother). I haven’t visited him in prison because I feel too overwhelmed with anger towards him.

I have spoken to psychologists over the years and it has help quite a lot. But I am really seeking a way to share the struggles with others who are in a similar situation...It is hard to talk to friends about this due to the shame attached.

I keep going over in my head what he did to his ex girlfriend - and how he has shattered the lives of her family and friends.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sarah

I want to extend a hand in friendship and welcome you to bb.

I can't even begin to imagine how challenging it must be for you to live with what your brother has done. My heart goes out to you.

The fact that you have achieved so much in life despite your difficult childhood and family tragedy, speaks to your inner strength and character. The fact that you worry about the victim and her friends and family speaks to the goodness in your soul.

I have not experienced your situation, but I know three things. You are not your brother or his keeper. You are not responsible for this tragedy. There is nothing you could have done to change the course of events.

I hope that somewhere in your heart and mind you know this too, and that these simple facts can bring you some comfort.

Please keep posting and talking here. There are many people on this forum, some with the same lived experience, who will be able to support you.

Kind thoughts to you

[romantic_thi3f]

Dear Sarah M,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being here. I think Summer Rose has given you such a lovely welcome and shared so much kindness so instead I'll try to go down the practical route.

I've had quite a search and come up with this -

https://www.freewebs.com/australianprisonfoundation/

http://throughcarejigsawgroup.org.au/

NSW - https://www.crcnsw.org.au/services/support-for-families/

SA - https://www.oars.org.au/services-early-intervention/family-services/

VIC - http://www.vacro.org.au/ (Says you can ring to talk and learn about support)

QLD - https://www.unitingcareqld.com.au/services-and-support/counselling-and-wellbeing/prison-ministry and https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/australian-health-services/20141633/far-north-queensland-families-and-prisoners-support-family-welfare-services/services/cairns-4870-martyn

ACT - http://www.paact.org.au/index.php/support/support-for-families

NT - http://www.catholiccarent.org.au/services/crime-victims-counselling-service (Includes support groups not just 1:1)

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Sarah M,

Just thought I'd link to this post as well - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/our-son-was-charged-with-murder

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/long-term-support-over-the-journey/sadness-grief-and-regret-over-sons-incarceration#qif_EnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

[Croix]

Dear Sarah M~

I'm glad Summer Rose and Romantic_thi3f have responded to you, their posts have much sense, care, and of course a host of things for you to read. Those last 2 Forum links might be very helpful if you can get to talk with others here. I know Judy (the last link) is still present, I'm not sure about A Tech.

On a practical note you have to copy and paste the links into your browser, they are not live inside a post.

Now, you said "he has shattered the lives of her family and friends.", which is true, but the harm he did was to you too, a horrible thing which has left you traumatized and in some ways isolated - all though no fault of your own. You too are a victim of the crime.

May I ask if you have anyone to support you, that you can share your thoughts and feelings with who will simply respond with care and no judgments and does not try to "fix" things?

May I go out on a limb here?

For many there is the thought at the back of their mind when a close family member does something brutal, dishonest or cruel that they themselves, coming from the same family, might have some of the seeds of that behavior buried inside themselves.

I would point out that this is a false worry -unfounded. It is abundantly clear - as Summer Rose picked up straight away - the sort of person you are, and nothing could be more alien to you and your nature.

You may also feel some lingering guilt about not visiting your brother- again inappropriate, even if you did not feel that anger. It is your task to heal, heal yourself, which you do with professional specialized medical help from those used to trauma.

My apologies if I've assumed thoughts you do not have.

Shame is a set of chains that hold you back, as you intellectually realize. My speaking logic about this will not help, only talk with others who understand can do that.

I think you are brave coming here and welcome the fact you did.

I hope we continue to talk.

Croix

[Guest_7403]

As someone who works with criminals and there families...being related to them doesn't mean your guilty too...and you shouldn't carry that burden with you

That's his crime and he'll have to live with that guilt and incarceration.

As hard as it is you do need to try and let it go and accept that it is tragic but that you can't hold that guilt for the family.

Take care of yourself

[Sarah_M]

Thank you very much for your reply. I apologise for taking so long to respond - I have been very unwell with anxiety and depression for the last few months. And it has been hard to get through the day, made worse by not being able to sleep at night.

I am grateful for your kind words - it helps the feelings loneliness and shame.

Thank you again

[Sarah_M]

Thank you very much for all the links to helpful resources. I haven’t followed up on these yet as I have been through a bad few months. But I am ready now to talk to someone - these resources will help me find someone to talk to.

My anxiety has been so severe recently that I thought I wouldn’t be able to talk to anyone (only cry). I tried 2 sessions of hypnotherapy but the therapist didn’t ask me what I was feeling anxious about or about my past trauma. I now know I need to talk to someone to try and make sense of my feeling and thoughts....

I think that I am similar to my brother in many ways which does scare me. I am quite controlling in certain aspects of my relationships (in an effort to try and reduce anxiety) but of course it doesn’t actually help.....

Thanks again

[Sarah_M]

Hi Croix,

Thank you and others for your replies to my post.

Apologies for delayed response - the last few months have been the hardest and my anxiety and depression symptoms have been hard to manage.

You are right that I feel there is a part of me that is similar to my brother - a need to control out of fear (of abandonment and rejection). Consequently I do have trouble in my marriage with some unreasonable expectations of my husband....A constant feeling of hypervigilance....And difficulty self soothing and solving relationship problems...

Thanks again for your words of support

[Summer Rose]

Hi Sarah

Absolutely no need to apologise. People come in and out of conversations here on the forum all the time. There is never any pressure to respond.

I'm so sorry you've been struggling. I can't even imagine how hard this is for you. But I am so pleased that you are ready to reach out for help.

Have you seen your GP to discuss your mental? If not, it's a great place to start. Your GP can prepare a mental health care plan (mhcp) and provide an appropriate local referral. The mhcp is required to access Medicare rebates for your treatment, so well worth doing.

You are very brave and I know it may not feel this way but also strong. Seeking help takes courage and strength. Good on you for preparing to take this step.

When you're up to it (no pressure) let us know how it goes.

Kind thoughts to you