Not really sure where to start

[Sycofearie]

Hi there,

I am a 28 year old female and I have been suffering from depression, anxiety and a number of eating disorders since I was a teenager. All as a result of childhood abuse that I have never really come to terms with. I have seen a few psychologists over the years, but I have never tried medications. I tend to be pretty terrible at therapy. My depression makes me lethargic and my concentration is highly problematic. I really want to get better, but I am my own worst enemy. I self sabotage in almost everything I do. I have only been getting worse over the last few years and it has finally reached it's peak. I am more depressed, anxious and unhealthy than I have ever been and I am not sure where to go from here. I want to see someone, and I am seriously considering medication, even though I have been trying to avoid it. I don't see how I can anymore. My avoidance issues are largely why I am currently in this mess.

I would love some advice, or even some support. I have a negligible support network, other than my husband. I find it incredibly difficult to make friends and when I do, I often mess it up. I withdraw and I lock myself away for months on end, where the only person I interact with on a personal level is my husband, unless I absolutely have to see other people. I am trying to find a creative outlet in writing, but only creative writing. I am awful at journals, partly why my therapy has always been a bit of a mess.

Anyway, I am so happy that I found this site. I honestly feel like I need some like-minded people around to realize that there are far more people going through this than just myself.

Thanks so much,

Fearie

[Croix]

Dear Fearie~

Welcome here to the Forum, a pretty good move as you an get other's experiences to add to your own. Your life sounds pretty desolate at the moment, with increasing feelings of depression, anxiety, lethargy and no concentration, plus a need to withdraw. On top a coping mechanism that is not good with thoughts you are sabotaging yourself

The first thing I'd like to say is I'm glad you have your husband, trying to face all that entirely alone would be even harder.

I have the feeling you are judging yourself too harshly with the idea that you self-sabotage. I suspect it is much more likely at the moment your symptoms - such as concentration - are such you are not as capable as you feel you should be. That can change as things improve.

You have tried therapy, and not received great benefit, and you have tried on your own, writing and attempts at journaling are evidence of that.

While I remember it Beyond Blue has an app to help record moods and events at:

http://www.moodprismapp.com/

It can help you where journaling takes too much out of you to keep up. It also provides a handy record for therapists. Free, for android or iPhone.

Coming to term's with childhood abuse is a process that really does require skillful outside help, so my I suggest you have another look at medical support, maybe this time with a trial of medication?

I have (non-complex) PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression and found there was no way to get better without both medications and therapy. They took time but have been pretty effective. The medications had several trial periods before I was put on the correct one for me, a tedious and sometimes discouraging process, but now I feel it was very much worth it.

Do you mind if I ask what sort of creative writing you do?

Croix

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Fearie,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for joining us. I really appreciate you opening up and sharing what's been going on with you. I hope that we can make your support network a little less negligible. 🙂

If you're looking for someone to relate to what you're going through, then yes - most definitely.

As for support or advice, I think the biggest thing that I can tell you is to try and be kind to yourself. The way that you talk about self-sabotaging is your way of coping, and that's totally ok. Our brains cope in different ways - some healthier than others, but we never give them credit for trying.

If you were to try and flip that script, and say "hey, this is how I'm coping right now" vs, "I'm self sabotaging and it's a mess" it can make a world of difference.

and while you may feel like you're 'awful at journals' (which is also a-ok because it's not everyones thing) I think it's worth noting that creative writing can often fall under arts therapy, which is hugely therapeutic.

I hope that if anything this gives you something to think about. I see you as someone who is coping the best way she knows how and I want you to see that too 🙂

[Sycofearie]

Dear Croix,

Thank you so much for the reply. Your post is so helpful. I often get told that I judge myself far more strictly than I judge those around me. It's difficult, because I struggle from an immense amount of guilt. I often joke about the fact that I feel guilty for existing. Self-deprecating, I know. But, it seems to be the most accurate description.

I will definitely look at that app. Thanks for that, it should be helpful.

I want to make an appointment with a GP, I am just not sure whether I should go to my normal GP or look for someone more specialised in mental health. I suppose the same goes for finding a therapist. I am not sure how to find someone that will work well with me. I suppose I just have to do it trial and error. Be patient with myself and with the process.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It is a gift to know that I am not alone, and that there are people that I can relate to.

I write short stories, and I am starting a novel length story, but with no real end in site. It is more a journey style story where I will see where it goes. I wanted to create a character that was dealing with similar mental health problems but with varying coping mechanisms, ones I can relate to using when I was younger, and ones I still use now. Then, I suppose the end goal is to allow him to overcome and manage regardless of his trauma. I thought it would be beneficial to parallel my life, while I go through a similar journey.

Thanks again,

Fearie

[Sycofearie]

Hi romantic_thi3f,

Your words are incredibly kind, and I am not nearly kind enough to myself, so thank you so much for that.

That is a really interesting way to look at things. I have always thought about trying to change my perspective, but I never thought about doing it with my negative attributes or coping mechanisms. If anything, changing those neural networks will help me create a more positive image of my self, and allow me to change the coping mechanisms to ones that benefit me more in the future.

Thank you for your kind words and great perspective.

Fearie

[Croix]

Dear Fearie~

You mentioned:

I often get told that I judge myself far more strictly

This is a trap I fell into for a long time. I judged myself by the standards I'd use for someone who was well, and it simply does not work. When one is not well things -and standards -are different. With a broken leg the 100m sprint does not work well , and using that yardstick simply sets oneself up for failure, lack of self esteem and guilt.

Romantic_thi3f is spot on, you are coping, that is the reality, not you are not doing this or that.

Trying for the correct GP and therapists combination is not straightforward. By and large I've been lucky, only a couple of psychologists that were not suitable, and only two GP over very many years. The rest have been fine, and I've been able to establish confidence in them - which I honestly beleive is more important than their particular choice of therapy. So you are right - trial and error, but assisted by reputations.

Writing may be an excellent method of self-exploration, and perhaps short-cut some false starts, in any event being creative can only be good.

I've used it to explore some of the things from my past that have been highly disturbing, though I'm not sure if the experience was positive. I do know writing of happier times has been a real help, I started a thread which anyone can contribute to here:

Forums / Staying well / Store Your Happy Memories Here:

Croix

[Sycofearie]

Dear Croix,

Yeah, I see what you mean. It is difficult to formulate an accurate picture of yourself, especially when you are seeing through the lens of mental illness. I think I have always been extra hard on myself, unfortunately. But, then again, I was always held to a different standard to my brothers and sisters as well. So, I can't really blame myself for that. I was always expected to be better, do better and when I failed my repercussions were always harsher.

Thanks for all of the advice. I am trying that New Access program that Beyond Blue is offering, so hopefully that will help. I will go and see my GP when I have successfully worked myself up to it. Sometimes it takes me a few days to gain the courage.

I have always been better at writing and reading about the harder things. I think it is an "each to their own" brand of creativity. I have read studies that go either way with sad music, books and films. That sometimes immersing yourself in them helps you by creating pockets of depression where you can allow yourself to wallow in it for a little while before stepping out of it and carrying on. I find it helps me sometimes, knowing that I can just let myself feel it for a little while. It kind of feels like a breath of fresh air not having to fight it consistently.

I will definitely have a look at that forum.

Thanks,

Fearie

[Croix]

Dear Fearie~

If you are finding the prospect of visiting your doctor face to face and trying to explain all then have you considered writing it all down over a few days and handing over the paper? You have a facility with words, and it is also something I have done, it makes life a lot easier. Plus you get the time to alter things until they are just right.

Instead of worrying I'd not explain properly, forget something -or even chicken out on hard bits, all I had to do was answer some questions to clarify things. Even the doctors involved have been pleased, they have checklist for a start, and that can be referred to in the future.

New Access should help too, you are lucky if it is in your area.

Croix

[goodlistener85]

Hi Fearie, i can definately relate to your posts. Especially the self critic stuff. I am my own worst critic alot of the time. I spend alot of time dwelling on my past perceived wrongdoings. I am very new to the whole getting help setting as i pretended for the last 20 yrs that i wasn't a complete mess everyday. Just wanted to connect with you as i can relate. In your case may be best to see a psychiatrist with thorough knowledge regarding medications. Just an idea