new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

*autocorrect - I meant to say I'm not sassing things up, Im just being me.

[Guest_1643]

hey Em blubs and all

So Alexa's going for a coffee date with a new guy? Yes. I love that for her.
I often think about that what you said - raising kids with someone who isn't easy to deal with - very hard. But this girl has her head on her shoulders, and a successful job, i love tht she is in that powerful position which makes it easier to just sidestep the drama.

EM i love a good waterfall - how soothing.

I bought the sheets and pillowcases today lovely ladies - of course had a complete anxiety experience in the FULL TO THE BRIM shopping centre but did it nonetheles. Crowds and homewares... omg. I got the sateen whit sheets blubes..... i hope they are a nice white 🙂 There was no coral in the store because the whole world seems to be obsesed with burnt orange at the moment lol. No objections but didn't help me today!!

Blubs truly i'm happy for you that you can flirt and enjoy this man's company. He knows how to have fun - and that's I think a valuable quality. You deserve some fun. In some ways male friendships offer that in spades. I'm delighted about the election too.

[Guest_1643]

Em although precious chook is doing well i was wandering if your brother still came over to see the chook and check in. Wuld be nice for u to see him. Or maybe uncle was enough family for u - but ur brother sounds like a nice prescence.

I hope you are having a beautiful weekend with calm and happiness.

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:*autocorrect - I meant to say I'm not sassing things up, Im just being me.

SO cool!

All good Blubes lol.

Hope you had a nice time, flattie seems like good company which is a bonus in a flatmate lol.

As long as they pay their share of the bills, anything else is a bonus for me.

xxxxEM

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy

I've had a few naps on my days off, relaxation is my aim. (I've heard that the big c feeds off stress).

I've had way too much stress this year and as much as I'd love things to change for me - they improve then wash rinse repeat etc - I'll need to learn how to manage being FT next year, so it's pretty much essential.

No, sadly my brother didn't come.
In fact he sent a pretty cold text about it, which I ignored.

I'm convinced that the ONLY times he visits are when he wants something OR to try to prove I'm lying (about damage demon did - then he ALWAYS finds out I'm not) OR to bring sil over to sticky beak.

He never comes for Christmas or any other special times like Easter or anyone's birthdays.
I'm lucky to get a text for my birthday within a month or so after it. The kids - nothing.

He's around here IMMEDIATELY with a "do it now" presence when he needs me to do something for him. It's been like this for YEARS... no matter how many little children at my feet, up to my eyeballs in food prep and nappies, he's expected me to spend days pulling apart any issues he and sil have re: Taxes or such.

He only lives a few streets away and passes our home to go anywhere, but I think we've seen him 2 or 3 x this year, so unless he wants something, no, we won't see him.

It used to be really sad for me but now it's like "whatevs".
Alexa saw it years before I did and copped alot worse from him.

It's be "nice" to have him in our lives but only if he wanted to. Otherwise he's really rude to us.

He and sil did the most horrific thing to me about 2y ago.
He blindsided me.
Tbh I think he's gearing up to take 100% of our mothers estate.
He knows he won't get it. Mother has TOLD him he won't.

I envisage in the future that I won't be talking to him without a lawyer present.
He's just getting "that" type of energy.

It pretty much disgusts me all that stuff.

I just hope I'm well enough and around to support my children for a long while yet.

Alexa OMG she just texted me..... with a 🐵 face!
The "coffee" has turned into a picnic on the beach this week!

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Hey Monkey,
Good on yer girl. Getting your own place is very exciting!! Im so proud of you. You deserve your own space. Let us know how you went.

[Guest_498]

The election is the BEST thing that's happened in 2020. Bye bye Trump, glad to see the a-end of you!! Youve mismanaged covid due to your lack of compassion and incompence, youve allowed 238k Americans to die from covid, youve been divisive, racist and go about running the country for your own agendas. Youve divided the U.S - time to say what you need to say and your concession speech .. Ahh Im absolutely elated!!
Soo happy for Alexa, Ems. Yay, you go bbg!!!! She deserves the best, Ems. Xx

[ecomama]

HI Sleepy

I just picked up some of the kids from work - a long wait in the carpark lol... I could watch Schitt's Creek so ALL GOOD.

But I wanted to say WELL DONE YOU for pushing through the throngs of people for your NEW white sheets!
Lololol.

You did it.

They sound REALLY nice.

And if you haven't thought of this already, if you can't find what you want in the shops ie a throw the colour and texture you'd like... have you thought of visiting a shop like Spotlight?
Man I could get lost in there for weeks lol.

But you can "cheat" with a throw for the end of your bed.

You can just know the width you'd like, double it and get them to cut that length for you.
If you CAN sew, even without a sewing machine ie a needles and thread lol, you can stitch a pretty length of "tassle" at each end.
Maybe even someone in your complex can sew?
It's a wonderful craft to learn. So many ppl are happy to teach sewing skills.

The most extraordinary array of materials are available at these types of shops.
Much broader than ready made stuff.

Then it's "unique" to you too.

Regardless of all that you did really well today in the shops!

I'm so proud of you.

WELL DONE YOU!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Oh yeah I'M LOVING the no Trump era coming up lol.

Now with him gone, we may be able to have more of a "normal" relationship between fiancee and I lol.

He was actually laughing yesterday even with all the stuff going on there.

Tbh I think he's RELIEVED, not having to find ways to defend in the indefensible (yeah that's finally the spelling lol).

Absolutely NO EXCUSES for that excuse of a human.

Not saying Biden isn't a creep bec he is.

Of ALL ppl Alexa said how many good things Trump did and I AM glad he did some good things because THAT'S what an American President is SUPPOSED TO DO.

Anyway I need to calm down lol... I'm invoking 'peace, love and mung beans' peeps.

xxxxEM

[Guest_498]

Ems,
Bf must be relieved about Trump. I think most ppl around the globe feel the same way.
Biden is a creep? It's whats been reported, yes. Id still rather a creep over a narcisstic, white supremacist racist, misognist any day. Well the only p he'll be grabbing in his old age is that of his wife's, if hes lucky. And, she'll be on a yatch somewhere doing what she does best - nothing.
OMG Alexa siding with Trump .. OMG, this breaks my heart noooooo.
Blubes. Xx