new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Mara

Yes I think Covid hasn't helped. He was already socially isolated (kinda by choice I would have to say by now). Moved to a new State and place for his job 4y ago. From the bottom of the U.S. right to the top.
He appears to be an extrovert but IS NOT at all.

His pay was reduced for 2 months. He did still have to travel all over the country to repair the instruments that make Covid testing kits and test for it too all during this time. He was on jets all by himself.

I knew he had depression, he won't do anything to help this but drink alcohol (?). I think the Covid stuff gave him more anxiety than he already had. He disagrees but I can HEAR it. Last weekend he was talking crazy stuff, like what if when this happens then that happens then THIS happens and then that WILL happen.

What?
The first thing hasn't even happened. Just email your boss at that point and he'll sort it.
"BUT when this happens..." on and on.
About 20 x repeating. It bordered on paranoia. It really did.
But he did this about 5 different issues.
SO ANXIOUS.

I had to keep saying STOP. You don't have to go down that path. It's easy fixed. ONE EMAIL.

For another TWO hours.

Then when I wanted to end the call for the umpteenth time, asked me how my health was, listened for 5 then pushed right back INTO it all again. Then laughed as my own anxiety was so much I cried. About him laughing at me on top of the frustration of listening to ANOTHER 2h of this. I couldn't believe he laughed. I had JUST said "I can't listen to another word about M" he pushed on. I ended the call.

He's spiraling downwards fast.

He just keeps texting that he loves me and texts about mundane stuff mostly, like nothing's happened.

I can feel my anxiety rising as I RE-EXPLAIN what I wrote in the previous text because he missed the point.

IDK! I have my Counsellor in the morning and Thank God she's American lol (here though) and had a long distance relationship before marrying an Australian. She understands how the whole trump bs has divided families and couples etc. She understands a lot.

I have tinges of guilt that I am abandoning him in his time of need. He was with me all through my worst times.

But I'm getting sicker and there's no other explanation but the incredible pressure I feel having to communicate with K. I can FEEL my bp rising even reading his texts.

IDK.

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Covid-19 is reeking havoc everywhere. The impact on people’s MH cannot be underestimated. Being in the US would only exacerbate that impact. And when you already have MH issues and you’re working on equipment directly related to testing for the virus..... Easy to understand someone having high anxiety. That said alcohol is definitely not going to help. And there is only so much you can do in these situations. Ultimately K has to want to do the work. I know you feel for him and I know he was there for you through the Court cases etc but throughout all that period you were working constantly on yours and your family’s MH. So don’t feel guilty lovely lady. I sincerely hope though, that K does see that he needs help. It sounds like he has many lovely qualities and I hope for his sake he takeS care of hiS MH.

I’m sure your Counsellor was able to offer insight especially from an American perspective. You were so wise continuing to see your Counsellor especially given the current situation with K.

You are such an insightful person. I know you will do what you need to do to protect your MH.

Well I hope today has been a gentle one for you.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Thankyou Mara

Honestly IDK what to do. I'm trying not to get bamboozled by my own thinking on it all.

My Counselor wants me out. She said it last year when I told her about his drinking daily. Today she said in my past relationships I didn't SEE when to get out. You know sometimes I did, saw red flags & tried to end them. But got sucked back in. I didn't know the term 'red flags' back then & we didn't have the internet.

I coined it by using the term 'enmeshment' with my Counsellor today. A psych a LONG time ago did some type of analysis on me. My enmeshment score was high - in the 90s. Her previous highest was 43.

I'm going to Google more on this.

He's not texted today. My last text was very clear & to the point.

I'm quite sure he thought we'd ALL just move to the U.S. when I worked out he couldn't come here.
I've always said that at MOST we might come for a 2y stint at a certain point. But highly unlikely.

IDK the very best I could do is in 7y or so (and age is a THING) I could go there for a year IF I worked full time for 4y AND took a 20% cut in pay for 4y then took the 5th year off.
It's drastic.

I'm thinking of doing 3 days next year also just while all the kids are still at school. To have less pressure work wise, more time to do stuff at home, and the last bits of time when the kids are still "young" & WANT to hang out at home. As they do but this time is dwindling.
My kids & I are still my number 1 priorities.

Counsellor said something interesting about eldest daughter.... that maybe she needed her mum to MOTHER her.... and was ASKING for it by arguing etc... I said she actually HAS said she wanted to crawl into bed with me some nights & just be cuddled like she was as a child by me, THIS YEAR. My eyes are welling up.

SO I stayed by her side the whole morning when we went out for brunch. The Cafe's in a paddock! Her dog was allowed so we went on a huge walk with the dog while ACs looked after the kids & grandkids, we got to talk. When she went to order, I went with her - it was LONG queue, we got to talk. When she took the kids to the loo, I went with her etc etc etc. Then they all came back here. We got to talk.

She texted a question tonight on whether to buy this thing (she has the money & it's a tax deduction), normally I say "It's up to you". Tonight I said OMG YES BUY IT. Unlike her mother but more black and white. Strong guidance - Counsellor said.

I'll do that more.

You have a nice weekend too lovely friend.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Update: Changes

I read up online about 'enmeshment' last night. It's freaking horrible.

I absolutely DO tick almost every single point in lists.

I fell asleep feeling quite depressed.
Woke up same.
Pushed through with a 'positive attitude' which is a far lower vibrational energy than I aim for.
It's like a bandaid lol.
Did the morning stuff.

Read more in Dr Joe Dispenza's book Placebo.
He said just what I said to K this week.
In a nutshell; how can you expect anything to change if you do the same things every day with the same outlook.

THIS is what I've tried to change whilst being on leave.

I am changing. I'm healing. It's great!

But those around me aren't changing and that's up to them ofcourse. Not me.

The HABITS of others in my close circle have the potential to drag me back in. Enmeshment.
K - well it's up to him what he does.
Kids - I took a firm stance today and showed by example of what can happen when we have an 'incident' happen. We can react badly and things spiral downwards

OR we can NOTICE this and our reaction and turn it on it's head.

The incident happened.
I didn't rush in to 'fix' it.
Son reacted badly.
Things spiralled.
I felt affected (due to enmeshment).
Things spiralled for me.

I caught it.
Realised.
Stopped it.
Turned it on it's head.

Left to shops to replace what was needed.
Spent minutes grounding myself and opening up ALL possibilities.
Entered shop.
Got what I needed.
SAW something we've been wanting for years for same son.
It was $150, $200 less than everywhere else.

Went home, got son, bought item.
I had the opportunity to talk with him alone about "when bad things happen we can turn it on it's head IMMEDIATELY and we must".
This is how you do it.

I did things differently with eldest D yesterday which seems to have 'released' her, which is great.
Same with son today.

I'm realising that everyone in my closest circle is so used to the old EM, expecting the same things and more.

Nothing will change unless I change it.

Changes:
* Meditating daily - meditations based on entering the quantum field, DNA suppression and activation. ETC.
* NOTICE enmeshment thoughts and actions and step in pronto.
* Firm boundaries.
* Buying, preparing and eating food I know is good for me.
* Pure focus on the goals for my future.

I have alot of work to do preparing a space for this type of Meditation in my room. I'm going to Meditate there anyway and do things as I can.

EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

I always say you know things are bad when the counsellor wants you out of a relationship 😞 I had the same situation with my last marriage. My psych said to “you are going to have to make some tough decisions in the next 12 months” I left my exH a few months later.

You are a wise woman Em, I know you’ll make the choice that is best for you and your MH.

Good for you making changes that are healthy for you. You are an inspiration!

Boundaries are so important. I am good at setting then. Unfortunately DH is not. That is my next challenge, setting boundaries for my self protection and not feeling guilty about it.

Your Counsellor sounds switched on. Parenting never stops no matter how old our children get. I’m pleased your Counsellor spotted what was behind your ACs anger. Good for you for acting on that info. Your children are fortunate to have such a motivated, loving mother.

Here’s to positive changes.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

Yes, to positive changes.

Sigh every time my text bell dings, I think it's K.
It's not.

I miss him on a cellular level. Probably an imaginary level. I think I "imagined" things. He says not. IDK.

At least he took partial responsibility for building a future we couldn't have. Or he's not motivated enough to strive for. I love him enough to say "that's okay". But it doesn't stop me loving him & missing him & wishing things were different.

Maybe all my work 'putting things out to The Universe' for a happier life made this relationship and all it's hopes vanish.

I can't imagine even touching another man's arms lol let alone more. I know no one could ever come close to K. He says he never wants anyone else. Neither do I. It's very sad for both of us.

He used to tell me what the moon was like, the moon I would see a few hours after him. Tonight the moon is hidden and I feel so sad. His hugs were the BEST.

I have to put my life back together again. My future without him I mean.

I can do that for my kids and I. Just not happy about viewing my future without him. But it is what it is.
I'm going to be one of those friends who's just broken up with someone they love and whine on and on about it and drive you crazy lol.

When it boils down to it, it was Covid that drove a sharp wedge between us. We couldn't visit this Christmas and we were ALL looking forward to that wonderful trip. The kids and I put a stop on that trip in March for our lives. He got worse. I got better. The end.

Ho hum. Back to household planning lol. We bought a new wardrobe for one son, gosh "we" I mean I bought it. I had to make up the same money for the other sons put towards other things lol. Daughters seem to get what they want alot more often lol.

SO we are still on the "out with the old and in with the new" trail to rid ourselves of all that reminds us of horrible times. HTTs we call them.

1 week of leave left. No real plans. Maybe get the poodle groomed! Yeah we have a rescue poodle omg, so not us but he's a character. His anxiety has gone down about 90% with Covid and everyone being home so much.
At least ONE family member liked the pandemic.
He was instantly youngest Ds dog. She now sleeps in her own bed - with him lol.

Oh just remembered, I have to buy youngest D a new bed. She is so tall now, that she sleeps on a slant lol! Poor baby. That bed OUT and another HTT gone. A longer wider one. New linen! She'll LOVE that lol.

Better go

Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

It’s only natural you would be grieving the loss of K. You’ve not only lost the good parts of the relationship but also all the dreams you had for the future. Be gentle with yourself lovely lady.

There is only so much you could do to support K, ultimately he needs to do the work. You are such a motivated, aware lady. I can appreciate how frustrating it would have been for you watching K repeating the same patterns over and over again. Sometimes we outgrow those we love. It doesn’t mean we don’t value the good they bought to the relationship but when the negative outweighs the good, you must take care of you. You have chosen to do just that, and I admire you for it.

I like your plan ‘out with the old and in with the new’ Getting rid of the things with bad memories attached will free up space for some positive, beautiful things to come your way.

OMG! I have previously owned poodles and plan on getting a cavoodle when we finally get out of this house. I love the intelligence of the poodles. They are just like babies without the nappies etc. I so want a dog. Hopefully not too much longer. It’s beautiful that your young D is sleeping with the dog. Dogs are so nurturing. I’m sure the dog will help with D’s healing.

Have fun bed shopping. I’m sure your D will love it.

Love

Mara

[ecomama]

Omg Mara that's amazing - poodles too hey? 😂🤣

What next?

Oh next I'll find out that you bought the house next door lol! I would freaking LOVE that lol!

You just never know.

Well it was Saturday in the U.S. today. K came home to Seattle on Friday. He's had almost 2 days to text.
I don't think he want to be friends. I asked him if he wanted to a few times at the end of other texts.

When I think of him I get worried about him and sad.

I try to distract myself. Part of me feels SO CRUEL doing this right now. I made promises that I couldn't keep. I guess we both did.

I can't talk about him. It gets too stuck in the past. I still feel very cruel.

Anyway eldest D is on the up and up. She's allowing herself alot more time before deciding on careers.
I SAID GOOD, this is EXACTLY what you need right now. (She was shocked lol, remember I'm being her MOTHER now lol).
She said she's going to take as long as she needs.
I SAID GOOD. You need to have the joy you're feeling and run with it. Enjoy life! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO.

She's pretty much improving in leaps and bounds. Her $$ situation has exponentially increased without ex draining her bank AC whenever she turned her back - she looked at her bank records and decided to leave it all alone lol.

Today she bought the children a Switch which was double what she thought lol!
Now she's looking at another car to buy in the next 2 months or so.

My kids at home are good and so are the others.

My gardener offered to work for free for a while. yeah.

I went to the garden Nursery today to buy some small plants. I walked out with a SINGLE garden throne lol.

I want to be happy being single. I'm not yet.

I found a bed for youngest D online, haven't bought it yet, waiting for her approval lol. It's groovy with a 1 shelf bookshelf as a headboard and storage underneath which she wants. She was very happy today. She's starting at a new dance studio with a son's gf whom she likes. She's stopping her psych and I'm lining up one at my psych's clinic at her request. I need to ask another psych friend WHO she should see. I see my friend next Monday. My work will probably pay for the first 3 sessions. Maybe 6.

Always lots to do.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hey Em

I'm happy to read your counsellor is looking out for you - even if all of this is so painful. At least she's with you on the journey and being truthful with u. I'm sorry you are missing K and feeling that loss. If I'm not mistaken it's been 7 years? It's natural to feel attached and to feel the loss.
How's the daily meditation and calm? I need advice on those firm boundaries, sounds amazing!!

I hope each day brings more and more joy for you and your family. Love and light always

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy21

Thankyou.

Yeah my Counsellor is awesome. She's hung in there through so much sh**, police investigations, Courts, more police, JIRT, nearly losing everything - every thing.
AND she's still there for me on the other side. Darling woman. AND SHE REMEMBERS STUFF.

Enmeshment & reading about it was shocking & horrifying tbh. I know I had an extremely high score in this 20y ago. It's a schema, so one of those ingrained ones.

Difficult to identify.
VERY INTERESTING to see.
Pure HARD WORK to know all the things to DO to remediate this M.O.
Acting on it is painful.

Rising above (healing) it all is yet to be seen lol!

I would like help with boundaries too! Man am I GREAT at it some times. Others HOPELESS. One great example lol is with kids friends here - if you want to drink & do drugs, don't bother coming over. I'll call the police to come get you & you can call your parents from the police station lol. Bans: drink / drugs? 6 month ban. Continuing? Another 6 months. Being an a33hole? banned forever or until you can prove you're NOT anymore. AND I SAY this to them. But I enforce it to the T.
Their NICE friends LOVE coming here, it's so much fun!
The yuck ones - yeah they're scared of me. Whatevs.

I'm watching Brene Brown's A Call to Courage on repeat atm lol. I miss hearing that accent lol. But awesome material about caring what others think.

ONLY care about what the people you LOVE think when they give you feedback.

My feedback to you is that YOU'RE FREAKING AWESOME!

It was almost 6y "with" bf. We've only spent about 6 months in person with each other. In those 6 months we "lived" together but it was what Fairy Tales are made of, MOST of the time lol.

We used to PM daily AND speak more than once daily, text throughout the day. It got too much through the years of Courts so it was daily talks, no PMs, some texts.

We didn't 'drift apart', we grew closer.

I saw a text from him this morning. 1st one in days.
I haven't read it yet. I'll be vulnerable & courageous & read it now.. aww it was the sweetest text.
I'm so glad I read it.
He's so freaking intelligent about SO MANY things! He wanted to face-time to guide us to repair our washing machine! He can do almost anything. But his love, woah just nothing like I've ever experienced.

Only 1 person came close to him before. A bf. Then when I knew K, he blew that all completely out of the water for me. Its sad losing him.

We're staying friends, which is good. If he dates then IDK...

Love EM