new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Mara, thankyou for your lovely message. I feel so much worse today.

I woke early, again. Looked at my messages and he hasn't even read my last text. He's in Utah working. Utah held very special memories for both of us. One of his texts this week said c"Can you imagine how much I miss you? I'm going to our motel in Utah this week, it's going to kill me being there without you"

So I cried, I had to leave my bedroom bec youngest D was in my bed, scared for the first time in months, so she slept with me.

I haven't told the kids.

I feel so tired. So disappointed. So sad. Very low. Crying a lot more. My psych friend told me to let myself cry whenever I need to.

I asked the chiro nurse to check my BP on Monday. It was the highest its ever been. Pre-hypertensive.

How could I survive years of horrendous abuses? And it stay in the normal range.
Years of Courts and more extreme financial hardships? And its normal.
Years of paying massive mountains of bills as the aftermath of Courts and abuses ie an extra $750/ week on top of massive mortgage and all the kids costs. And normal BP.

Then this year frustrated arguing with bf for months about trump. Covid. My mother. Listening to months of M again. Eldest Ds relationship blowing up. Illnesses both physical and mental. Breaking up with bf. Now bp has skyrocketed.

IDK. I really don't know.

What I DO know is that my future with bf here in our little paradise was a mirage. The mirage is dissipating before my eyes, after imagining him here with me in our garden for 5y as he has been. But happily together to grow old together. It's impossible to look at my garden and home without seeing that. Then I get sad.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Croix, thankyou for saying all that.

I hear what you said about someone fitting into my life. I asked him time again over 5y if he was happy to do this? he always said "Ofcourse baby! Its paradise being there with you!" and "I can't wait to have a family again, do things with the kids (and he did when he came and seemed to love it) and cook with you in our kitchen and fix all the light fittings lol (he installed a great light fitting in our kitchen when he was here so it was easier for us to cook) and just be with you".

He really seemed to LOVE being here when he came for a month. It was REALLY nice!

He loved the people, LOVED meeting the kids. Enjoyed seeing the major city nearby. He met some of my extended family and loved meeting them.

IDK.

He's a VERY proud American. I knew it would be hard for him, like ANY ONE, to leave their country and live in another. That's why I brought it up regularly. But he confirmed his decision to move here with the above comments.

What role did I play in our Fairy Tale - boy it was a set of the most beautiful experiences being with him.
His intelligence is amazing. He is a thorough gentleman opening doors, carrying my bags, carrying me over snow humps lol. I'm sad. BEYOND anything in our private lives. NOTHING compared.

Because nothing and no one before him ever did. He blew them WAY out of the ballpark. It's as simple as that.

His voice is as smooth as caramel. He is way over 6ft and so strong. He could lift me up like a rag doll lol. He called me 'PETITE'! lol when other partners complained and nagged at me I should lose weight. His hugs are to die for. He holds my hand every possible opportunity, driving, helping me out of the car, never lets go. It's beautiful.

Meeting him blew out any reminiscing about ANYONE. He said he even felt guilty (because his first W passed during their marriage) as he never felt like this about anyone before.

IDK it's hard to let go.

But the stupid whitegoods dealership has not confirmed delivery for today lol. The installation man phoned last night confused but was lovely and we joked about it. What can we do? Go with the flow I said.
AND they just this minute sent ANOTHER text to me in EXH NAME grrrrrrrrrr. What the... grrrr.

Not easy going with the flow with texts to exh on MY PHONE. UGH.

I guess anger (well placed and not exaggerated lol) is better than feeling depressed?

Earnestly Ecomama xxxx

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

Would it surprise you to learn that I recently developed high BP too. Lol. I suspect it wouldn't Lol

So glad you are able to cry. It is heart breaking ending a relationship. Croix is correct when he says it's not just the end of the relationship it's the end of all the dreams you had for the future. Reading about your experience with you BF I can understand why you are grieving ATM. When you have had the experiences we've had in the past then you find someone who treats you well, you treasure that. Then when it doesn't work out it's crushing. That said, you are such a strong lady. I know that you'll get through this. I am sending you so much healing energy. I can't do a smoking ceremony for you but I am sending you every possible positive vibe I have.

I can understand you being annoyed about the text being in EXH's name, I would be annoyed too.

Hopefully your whitegoods arrive soon.

Anger is definitely better than depression. Anger is a motivator.

I know that you are sad ATM. But I hope with time the grief eases for you. In the meantime take good care of yourself.

Lots of love

Mara

[Croix]

Dear E-EM~

I guess you are a romantic, not a bad way to be, lots of disappointments, but hope too.

It was a honeymoon period and gave you a romantic interest, and I'm sorry it is over. Perhaps it sustained you through hard going times.

I'm glad you laughed with the installation man, you still have your balance, not something everyone has.

And no, unlike Mr. Creosote, I did not eat the mint

Croix

[ecomama]

OMG Mara, not you too! what the....

You know I even carried one baby 4 weeks overdue (those were the days ;-0 ) and my bp was freaking awesome.
Then more babies. Fine.
Then multiple babies AND STILL fine.

IDK.

I'm trying to allow myself to grieve. I have like 5 tears then nothing. No sobbing.

Today K I'll call him, texted that NOTHING was faked. He loves me and always will. He's sorry I'm angry. He's angry with himself for saying stupid things.

THEN the truth..... he really doesn't know what he needs anymore. He's given up caring.

I know he's depressed and shows signs of anxiety. I can see it FAR more clearer now I'm improving.
I felt horrible for abandoning him at this awful time in America when he has to travel anywhere he's told to fix the instruments that test this horrid covid.

I had asked if he wanted to stay friends.
He said he can't cope even answering that.

He still wants to be with me.

Seriously, if he was living ANYWHERE nearby I would be right by his side. I'm pretty sure I would :-0

I can't let the relationship go altogether. It's not fair. He supported me for YEARS through the worst times of my life and he was STEADFAST. He was so strong for me.

I know I'm not selfish in fact quite the opposite. But I think this year with the PTSD, skyrocketing anxiety and now probably pretty major health issues IDK, I just couldn't cope anymore with the stressful calls.

I know we'll speak again. He's been my closest friend for years. But he's "losing his grip". He really is.
I think he's becoming paranoid about motives of others, possible doomsday things at work.
He said he's not concerned about catching Covid lol, I have been for him.

Anyway I'm rambling.

I'm so sorry your bp is high too Mara. IDK what to do about it. I Googled it all, I knew that stuff lol, mother being a matron an all. IDK. Sad. So sad. miss him already.

I think it's stress that brought this high bp on. It could be far higher but yeah, yuck.

EM

[ecomama]

Lol ME a romantic, you think? K is 100 x more romantic than me lol.

Ofcourse I love romance but got so used to being treated like dirt that the romance K gave came like whirlwind.

Walking on the frozen Salt Lake in Utah on NYE. So beautiful.

Seeing Temple Square after Christmas all lit up. Unbelievably romantic.

Being in different cities all over the world with him.

Having ROOM service when all I was was roped within 4 walls for 20y, cooking, scrubbing my fingers to the bone literally. Given NOTHING.

The kids being sent Christmas presents because he knew I had no money for presents.

Then diamonds sent 'just because I love you'.

Come on this was AMAZING.

What a nut I am.

LOL and to top it all off the appliances DIDN'T arrive today. I waited ALL DAY long. Then given a 2pm. Then at nearly 4 I texted fitter and he wasn't coming.

I just said that's okay, no worries. He said WHAT? I said can't be helped. See you tomorrow.
He said WOW I didn't expect that response! You're being SO NICE about it.
Yeah well I lost the love of my life and I'm sad. No I didn't say that lol.
I said that's okay. It's all fine. See you tomorrow.

And I will send pics of our new kitchen because I can't and won't let go of our dream yet.

EM

[ecomama]

Maybe I will let go lol. What a palaver.

Anyway my lovely brand new oven and stove top and dishwasher all arrived and were installed today.
Apparently they're still waiting for the fridge but whatever. Bit annoyed that they have my 2 grand and it's not sitting against my mortgage but who cares really.

The dishwasher is so QUIET. That'll be lovely for the kids trying to sleep as some of their bedrooms are near the kitchen. My first new fridge in 30y and new cooking appliances in 20. Our dishwasher has been broken for months and my hands know it lol.

I really think K is losing his mind. He fixated on a comment I made about changing my diet to lower my bp and took it all personally. I just gave him a list of things I would do to improve my bp. He responded by saying "Get meds for your bp".

No. Anyway it's circular comments from him for FIVE years about the SAME things. He won't take steps to do ANYTHING about anything.

I truly have enough on my plate. I just can't do this anymore.

AND most importantly I WANT health. I want to look forward and create a really nice life.

And by golly I will lol.

We've had SO MUCH good news in our family this week!
I want to feel the JOY that comes with all that great news. Not be bogged down in the same freaking sh** that K won't do anything about.

Just a short update as I'm posting on other threads lol.

EM

[Guest_1643]

Hi EM

So nice to get fresh deliveries and new installs in your place. Enjoy them!!

I find your joy and gratitude contagious... thank you for sharing

[ecomama]

Hi Sleepy21!

Lol "joy" might be pushing it LOL! A tad higher than contentment perhaps?

I saw that my new oven had a GRILL lol. All the things I've missed for 20y.
It's pretty funky and I'll have to have a teenager nearby to work out the push / bleepy thingys lol.

All good. I've got the chimenea to cook on if they're not home lol! So old school me.

How are YOU?
Love EM

[Mara56]

Dear Em,

Yeah to the arrival of your new appliances. Re: the fridge I love how companies take your money then go “oh by the way we haven’t got one in stock ATM” Hopefully it’s not too long of a wait. In the meantime enjoy your new oven, stove top and dishwasher.

Re: K, I hear you about the circular comments. I can appreciate your frustration. I did wonder though, when you said you think he’s losing it, if perhaps the stress of COVID-19 and all the limitations it has brought with it is impacting his MH and in turn your relationship. I know it has definitely impacted DH and myself and suspect it’s not helping our current situation. I could be wrong and way off base but thought it was worth a mention.

Well I’m expecting to see a massive increase in recipes on your thread as I’m sure your new equipment will inspire you 😁

Have fun trialing it all.

Love

Mara