new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em,

Just popping in to give you a big gentle supportive hug lass

Paws

[Emo]

Hi Ecomama,

I just really wanted to send my prayers to you with all that you have going on. I know that your prayers have helped me when you sent them to me another time.

I read them constantly as I'm going through some bad medical things currently. I hope my prayers give you the same strength. I'm thinking of you frequently and sending you all my love. P.S. I still wish you were my mother, lol!

Kind regards,

Emo.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Okie doke, I'll have a look over there shortly.

Well, certainly no need to go into explicit detail. What you've said sets the stage quite sufficiently, I get the idea. It's unfathomable the way people attack each other. I think that nature in those who are already that way is being exacerbated by covid/lockdowns/etc. Stress brings out the best in some, the worst in others, depending on how they are geared to begin with. I'm sorry the police wouldn't get involved before things got out of hand for some poor kid those people targetted.

It's completely understandable that this situation and learning Yvette had been threatened (and has no evidence) has triggered you. How would it not? You are right not to tolerate abuse, doubly so after all you've been through. I wish Yvette had let you help her at the time when things were happening - she may have feared an escalation, as unfortunately can happen when you push back against abusers.

I'm flummoxed at the amount of frightfully abusive people you have in your orbit, it reads like a dramatic midday movie. I don't see the same sort of madness here, but SA is much more in control of covid and I think has a less rebellious population in general. I can see the flagrant disregard for public health policies and ongoing lockdowns and serious restrictions are turning things into a hot mess in your neck of the woods, undoubtedly contributing to these trends of abusive behaviour. I honestly wish it weren't so, you could really do without that crap. Always here to listen.

Okay, see you on the money thread.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Dear Paws,

Thankyou, you may or may not know just how deeply your kind words reach me and comfort me to the moon and back. I appreciate you and your kindness and hugs!

The feeling I have inside because you and others have reached out - well I don't have the words to express how deeply these have affected me. Thankyou a million times over, thankyou.

How simple this can be, showing we care and having these deep responses.

I guess it takes wonderful people to care and an open heart to receiving?
Some times perhaps we take these expressions for granted. I know I did throughout my childhood and young adulthood at least.

Thankyou
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear Emo, PS I wish you were my daughter!

Love to you always darling girl. I still Pray for you daily or more and always feel HOPE when I see you've posted on the forums, no matter what you say, I'm comforted that you're still here pushing for your own life.

You're a brave, wonderful woman and I'm very proud of you, more than you know.

Love always
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dear Blues, thankyou. I'll check your response on the other thread.

I fell asleep very early last night, so I'm awake early now lol.
Anxiety isn't helping but I had a good sleep (I think!).

Indeed lock down isn't helping here. Perhaps ppl's minds have lost their grip?
That's what I think I'm seeing anyhow.
Also the people I talk with (not so much the past few weeks as I took "time out") are angry... angry with anything they're angry with. Just angry. All different things they're angry WITH but anger is the theme I'm seeing.

Anger is a normal human emotion but it's what we DO with anger that is important, meaning it's affect on others.

Maybe because I've not felt anger when talking with these ppl, that they feel I'm a good person to vent to?
Misery loves company.

Indeed Blues I'm sick of my life looking like a bad TV series.
I'm so content watching my grass grow in my garden - LITERALLY.
I love calm, am a calm moderated person the vast majority of the time.

As I fell asleep last night I was asking myself questions & felt some answers intuitively.
One answer being, I think because I grew up with such severe abuse, it was more 'normalised' for me & therefore I 'attracted' (although this concept makes me sick to think) abusive people.
I AM very calm, so when others begin their abuse, I usually don't respond with equal emphasis.
Usually I ask why they're upset.

Yes I'm sure S.A. isn't seeing similar for many reasons, one being no lock down, another being less population?
But one of my exes was a horrid man from S.A. so it's not short of nutters lol. He moved back there so watch out! 🙂

Maybe another reason is that most of my career has been spent working with the "pointy end" of the population. Those people going through extreme situations, usually in the toughest areas of our society. Those dealing with the worst familial / criminal situations in the hardest of all communities in Oz (I know this thru data).
When staff can't handle their clients, they're referred to me. I'm known as the calm one, the "whisperer" lol. That's beautiful.

Ally has been my friend since she was a little girl because of my work, almost 30y now. I virtually "adopted" her & our friendship is a whole other story, the things I've saved her from, picked her up when she needed me, took her home & gave her new clothes etc.
Now I'm so grateful to say she usually has a stable life, married with 4 children. Still living in a tough area.

Some clues there lol!
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM & everyone,

No harm in an early night. Anxiety not so good, but you got a reasonable night's sleep and that counts.

I think many people are not at all adaptable, they hold on for dear life to the status quo, and covid has undermined that heavily. People like you and I who have been knocked around by life are better equipped to adapt and make the best of the way things are. In that way we are the ones at an advantage now. I'm sorry that means you are thus surrounded by people venting their anger. You're probably right that your stability makes you seem a safe person to vent to, but that doesn't mean you can't step back from it, it isn't doing you any good. You're absolutely right about anger being normal and even healthy, but what we do with it being the important part. Certainly SA has its nutters, thankfully I have managed to avoid most of the worst of them.

Yeah, it isn't good living in a bad TV series. Being in the garden is better. I do see your calmness, and the calming influence you have on others here. Me, I'm a bit fiery, but usually not to a particularly dramatic degree. I like my quiet life with my man and my birds.

I understand what you're saying about the abuse in your life normalising it for you. Same for me and neglect. Ugly as it is, yes I do think we attracted those things to ourselves in adulthood. It doesn't mean we wanted to, or that any of it was conscious - I think the gravity of patterns in our past kind of sweep us in. Re schemas, I think for me the response of becoming so fiercely independent and not trusting the reliability of others was a natural magnet for the types who wanted the other person to take control and do everything. Ergo, that's what I got. Ugh. I would guess you have experienced some of the same; I am less certain of the abuse side of it, and how that pattern works, but I have definitely seen the pattern in action.

Good point, I can see how the connection to your work has put you in contact with people in extreme circumstances and in communities where abuse and criminality is commonplace. Ally's situation makes more sense in the context of her past and current residential environment. You're in a bit of a tricky situation, wanting to help people who have been through things like those you have experienced, but also being triggered by that contact. It takes strength to do that.

Kind thoughts and songs from Puffballs.

Blue.

PS Sending ANZAC biccies to all, from my latest baking adventure.

[ecomama]

Hey Blues, thanks so much for your words, they really resonated with me.
Throughout our communications here and on all your threads and others, I can honestly say I feel you "get" things. Same with Sleeps, J*, Emo, Paws and probably also Croix and Blondguy Paul but from a male perspective.

It's comforting to know I'm not alone. But it is sad others can understand BECAUSE of what they've gone through too.

Hey Blue, I'm as fiery as all get out when I'm cornered! hahaha. Most definitely if my children are threatened in anyway, hey that goes for all children and animals tbh. Include vulnerable people in there too lol.

Anywho, lately I've held my tears back (too much), not being able to ID exactly WHAT is deeply upsetting me.
Put Ally's sitch and what happened to another child AFTER her family avoided the worst, well I just felt huge relief and gratitude 'my own' escaped horrors. What they went thru was bad enough.

BF "let" me cry my eyes out yesterday. He wants SO MUCH to make me happy ALL the time which is such a beautiful trait of his. But sometimes I need him to hear me, allow me to express my fears and just "be". He did.

Looks like demon's financial control and destruction has inhibited any path of me moving forward with help of any financial institution, I'll find out over time and let you know.
This was horrible to find out. I was so sad.

My Counsellor called!! What an amazing person! She felt intuitively that things weren't going well, no I hadn't tried to contact her or had not called her workplace or anything, wow, just wow.
She corrected things I'd done with Yvette, I spoke with Yvette last night and apologised. She was beautiful to me. She'd pre-warned me about "others" around me not being able to co-regulate themselves and leaning more heavily on me bec I "appear" to be okay. So this means they can!
Well they can and they can't lol.

Seems that BF may give us money (like $20k money!) to get the cabin build on the road. Woah.
I need to speak with Alexa's neighbour (whom I give eggs to all the time and other supports), I'll call her Heidi as she is more part of all our lives than I've eluded to here. Heidi coincidentally got a PT job with MY accountancy firm! She helped my Tax Return go through easily and I need to ask her HEAPS of questions about deductions for the cabin... anyway that's more for your Money Thread.

Did 3h of my yucky course too lol.

Love you always, YUMMY bikkies!! licking my chops lol,
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update:

Had a wonderful walk to the park today and played lots with the dogs and kids on the gym equipment.
Got some hours in, working in the garden either side. Made dinner, did laundry etc.

I need to get tons of timber across to Alexa's house, she can use her chiminea over there. My car's full of return and earn containers atm, the line was SO long when I went there, I just went to donate clothing instead lol.
We're enjoying filling the neighbour's bins up each week! They're still doing up the house to lease, so don't mind us using them.
Council pick up this week and that will be AWESOME. So much old & crusty stuff to get rid of, yay.

My leaf blower is the best $60 I've ever spent lol! I used to rake and sweep for so many hours and now it's done quickly and thoroughly too. Love that thing!

Quite a bit of work pressure on. Course work too. Same same.
Managing the demands of life as it is atm very well. Sleeping well.

I know building the cabin will be very demanding but, in the long run, it will be a good payoff.
Where to begin?
Accountant, ATO etc. I need to get a BOOK to write my actions and responses in etc. My Uncle is researching flat pack cabin suppliers for me and that's very helpful.
But I have to keep managing work and kids as a priority.

Still haven't done my Tax Return ummm yeah. It takes so long and I've just enjoyed the sun shine and being in the garden too much to sit inside at a desk more than what I'm doing. That's my excuse lol.

Returning to work on site full time is still up in the air. It's so messy, so I just wait for work email notice about that. Taking it day by day! Same for kids returning to school on site. Messy.

Things were tough with Yvette for a while there. She now has her first official GF and I thought that was worrying her but it was other stuff. After a few emotional talks, we're all good there for now! hahaha.

Alexa's great, except for her persistent health issues. I'll call her BF Joel (not his real name). He seems amazing. He's listened to Alexa's concerns and tried hard to address them. His mum can't wait to meet Alexa lol. I think we'll have a nice set of relationships there once we CAN meet and get together.

All good here, lots on and always busy but moving forward feels great.

Looking forward to seeing clients at work more often. It'll be interesting to see how we progress through this time.

Our pets will miss us all being home so often! hahaha. Little darlings.

How's everyone doing?
love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: what a difference a day makes 🤨.

Not sure how I feel about what went on today but I'm feeling extremely nauseas and very achey all over from vax no. 1 this arv. Didn't want it. Pretty peed it was forced.

Neighbour phoned me. She's a total nut! She was all over the place and I was ???
She's lost it, not good at all. I was just patient & kind, she's old.

Then she said I deserved the domestic violence that occurred to me via demon. And Yvette deserved the SA's.
One bec I married it and 2 bec it was her father. WTFreak?

Then she moved on to say that all he did to her (stole from her) was as though I had done that. What IS that?

I was so shocked I just burst into tears. No one who knows me, would ever say I would do such things, like ever in my life. I said that. I also said that after knowing me for so many years she KNOWS I would never do or say anything bad to her. She actually laughed at me, while I was crying.

That speaks volumes to me about the status of her MH or mental illnesses to be clearer. Zero compassion. Zero empathy. Zero apologies.

There goes my pay back for helping an elderly neighbour for YEARS. She'd not been able to remember some important places ie Chemist's etc, so I Googled all the info she needed first up in our call.

Yes I'm KIND.

I cried to BF about it after our vaxes. I felt well then. He was so shocked too & said all the right things.

How ANY ONE could say that ANY ONE deserves any violent acts at all is beyond my comprehension.

I HAD said that I'm moving on from demon, what he's done echoes some times, but I'm moving forward.
She said she can't.

So I'm going NC with her. She can stick her help from me where the sun don't shine.
I can't believe it. I've even saved her life twice!

How could someone BE so cruel after I've been so kind and helpful and PATIENT?

BREATHE OUT.

It's like abusers can read an invisible imprint on my head that says "Have a go here".
I'm done with it. Never again.

I spent hours weeding in the garden after I got off the phone to BF. Thank God my garden is my sanctuary.
My Pastor would say for me to Pray for her, but right now I'd Pray she ends up in hell with demon lol, so I need to get past this gaslighting abuse first!

Bring my mind back to my children, pets awww, garden, WORK, oh nearly forgot!! I completed the entire 6 month Course today! It's now DONE yay!
We also got some AWESOME hand me up clothing too! double yay.

We need another property cleansing lol.

Love EM! xxxx