new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Update:

Yesterday I realised I haven't thought of "covid" for days. Seems as though I've assimilated all restrictions etc and normalised it all.

Just living my life. There's freedom in this.

Sure we react to the repeated 'get tested and stay at home' orders but take in our stride now.

I woke up this morning and realised this is a "growth mindset". Awesome.

Yesterday I scrubbed the laundry until it sparkled! Well 3/4 up the wall anyway lol. Found a cool designed plastic sheet to cover a small bookcase we use for storage and will move that in there. I'd like to clear that out 🙂

Boy's birthday was sweet. Buying them Genealogical DNA tests for their birthday lol. It's what they wanted!

Got the whole front Courtyard maintenance done on the weekend and it looks awesome! Always more to do in the garden there and everywhere but it was fun.

Slowly but surely getting into the stuff in my bedroom. I'd stored alot in there instead of leaving it elsewhere but now it's coming OUT.

I'm really getting into a YouTube channel too. A young man with a funny way of conveying stories. I can listen to these whilst doing all my cleaning and gardening.

Still have a huge Course to finish AND my Tax Return but those aren't much fun lol. I need to pull my head in and schedule time for those.

Alexa's relationship seems to be very synergistic and empowering for them both, simultaneously I think and???... waiting for the moment I realise he's not who is, which is my own baggage. I don't say anything.
There IS a chance that this lovely young man remains lovely.
They're making all sorts of plans with Business which is awesome. Alexa always wanted a "partner" in all ways and maybe she's found him. Hope so.

Have lots of plans here but just lining those things up.

Getting on with life. It's pleasant.

Hope everyone's going okay or even well!

Love EMxxxx

[Jstar49]

Hey Em,

I haven't been around much....so...HI! 🙂

Thats an interesting comment about adjusting to LD's and restrictions- sounds like a healthy adaption to what is a fairly different way of living for most.

I'm a bit bummed today cos we had planned a short camping trip, but the LGS went into lockdown one day before we're due to go, so.... luckily it's also turned really cold, so makes it less appealing lol! Young T is a bit blue, but whopping me at Yahtzee really helped I think 😉 I reckon we're super ready for next trip, whenever that may be! I even bought a camp shower!!!

It's nice they've introduced a 'friends bubble' for the kids. That should make a big difference, pity they didn't act on it sooner. Must be so hard for the young ones in Sydney, it's been awhile now. Not as long as for Victoria tho, no wonder ppl are stirring up. Hey Sleepy!

Sounds like the struggle continues for p-son- that sounds like a tough situation. It will be good when he's DONE!

And Alexa and her new guy sounds glorious! Ahhh, new love! Nothing quite so wondrous! I hope he does turn out to be as wonderful as he currently seems, even if not perfect (nobody is of course) but Alexa has one excellent parent, so I figure she has more than 50% chance of having a good relationship!

I'm liking the sound of your bedroom becoming less cluttered with 'stuff'- it must feel so much nicer. It's funny what we accept, until we decide not to ( or have the energy to deal with it) I feel like prepping to go camping got a whole lot achieved, which I shall still enjoy, even if we don't get the actual camping trip. It was motivation for unfinished jobs!

There's been a greater cooperation between H and me also, which has certainly been pleasant! Nothing earth shattering, just almost consistantly better. I'll take it!

Lovely to chat,

Cheers,

J*

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM & everyone,

It's been a while since I've been on, apologies for not being around. I hit some serious social burnout and I really lost track of time. Sometimes weeks disappear on me and I'm not quite sure where they went. 😕

Glad prodigal son got his transfer for work. I saw something about him having to go back yonder for school again, that sucks. I don't blame him for saying no to the extra two weeks studying there on top of exams.

Ah, I understand about the triggers. That family sound like they really have a lot to work through, and the parallel to your memories is of course going to be hard. I'm sorry your father pulled such an incredibly low move at such an important time, I don't have words for that, nothing about it or what happened after is okay. You deserved so much better.

Well, the handy thing about journalling is you don't have to write about anything you don't want to. You'll know when you're ready to tackle that stuff... and it's okay to burn it after writing about stuff that sucked, too. In fact, that's therapy in itself.

I think it's good you're at the stage of anger and not pining, that's good. I have flashes of anger about my parents, but mostly it's resignation and a bit of a blank space. I don't feel much at all. Guess they taught me well on that score.

I grinned at your kids thanking you for being their mother and their father on Father's Day. Damn straight!

Sounds like there's a lot of potential for Mama's Cubby. How is it going? You've written bits on other threads about it, but the ol' brain isn't collating the data too well at the moment, given I saw things in a bunch of places over a few weeks.

Have you made any decisions about those wardrobes? Hope you've reached a solution that works for you. I think you said somewhere you've been clearing a bunch of stuff out of your bedroom that had been kind of just in storage. I hope so, that sounds good and healthy.

Hugs from me and a song from Puffballs.

Blue.

PS Hey Sleepy. Thanks for your kind words, I'm glad I help you feel welcome and encouraged to join in. Yes, I do periodically mention baking, I do it semi-regularly. Last thing I made was oat and chia biscuits. Super simple recipe and really light, crisp and delicious. How did your cupcakes turn out? They do sound fancy indeed. 🙂

[Guest_1643]

Hey everyone ! Much love to all.

Hi EM, I'm wandering how u are all doing so great to read your updates...I wander if u are right about alexas partner or if it will not come true and all he has to offer is real....reading it I know I have some of those doubts occasionally but I'm think, maybe it's fine? wanting to protect Ur girl and keeping one eye open. Sensible maybe. But still happy she's happy, Maybe both are possible. I learn more from here and from my own growth that trust and faith is a precious thing to give away

Still I guess it is also sometimes appealing to just ignore doubts and trust easily. In an ideal world, everyone would be trustworthy, and sometimes I like to close my eyes and imagine I live in that world.

Loved reading Ur so proud of Ur work I th3 courtyard ! Effective lockdown use. Did you rest up and treat yourself? I've bought two pomegranates, so offering you one, and some papaya, do you like that sometimes?

J...I hear you so much on feeling accomplished after propping ur sadly cancelled trip. The day before travelling somewhere I always am stunned how much i accomplish. Sorry you ddnt get the trip but glad for those centred feelings!

Hi Blues, my cupcakes were pretty good, and fun to make. Chia sounds like a great combo with the oats, thinking of you here and sending you cupcakes from lockdown

[ecomama]

Hey everyone!

Apologies to all, I've been off the richter with stuff going on here, too much.
I got horribly depressed, crying myself to sleep. Waking up crying. Crying quietly in my garden.

A fleeting thought crossed my mind that oftentimes we have the greatest breakthrough after our deepest despair... well it thunk good at the time, gave me a bit of relief and HOPE.

Shifting the depressive weight was really REALLY hard. I just lived robotically really.

Youngest d was so spiky, distant and plain rude and disrespectful towards me.
I had NO IDEA what I'd done. It went on for WAY too long.

When I finally brought it up with her, I could literally FEEL my amygdala flaring. I knew I wouldn't be able to process anything much from then on. I asked her to write her boundaries or what upset her... wait until overnight if she wanted to discuss anything.

She did and approached me last night.

We cried our eyes out. I listened for hours.

My poor darling struggling with "coming out". KNOWING we are SO PROUD of her for coming out. All of us are so proud and grateful to her for coming out to us.

We know how scary this can be for any person ie coming out to their family.... she said "ah that was easy lol, I knew you guys would be ok with it"...

so then WHAT?

It's "others"... she's scared. We 100% get that.

Then a horrifying thing happened to my beautiful friend and Thank GOD they all escaped the worst of the outcome.

It took me a whole week after she told me to actually get the words to tell my family. We cried so hard as she was explaining what happened.
I only told my own family yesterday.
BF and I cried our eyes out when I described what happened to the other family. My friends family only JUST avoiding this horror.

My friend had already BEEN to the police here to inform them only 2 weeks before this horrific event.
I understand the Police's position - no evidence.

omg.

Thankyou to anyone reading.

I'll do my best to respond to my beautiful friends here now.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey J*!

Thankyou for popping in!

So nice to hear that you and H are feeling more cooperative now. So beautiful. Hugs.

Yeah pity about the camping trip hey.
LOVE those gorgeous camp showers!
Did you get a kind of "solar" one that warms up when you leave it out in the sun?

I'm feeling such pangs of my stuff that demon destroyed. It happens EVERY SINGLE DAY... another thing... yet another... it's just added to my heartbreak. Not so much the "stuff" but more the intent and hatred it had for me. Just the violence... it's very mind effing.

I found my favourite black eye brow tweezers (I haven't seen for maybe 15 years!!) buried in my garden a few days ago... it's like... what? why?
I also FOUND a deep drain he'd filled with garbage which is a major reason we've had so much flooding last week too...

For the life of me I can't understand it all... I've delved so deeply into this kind of psyche - the most evil type, that I've got to bring myself back to me now.. it's so dark.

Hard when I find my tweezers lol. And a drain.
So many buckets of rubbish and soil in there... it rained for me lol and it worked perfectly which is awesome..

P.son is such a sweet person. He KNOWS he's very kind and sweet - the thing my multiple boys struggle with... "there's no such role model in a man" for them to follow.
God forbid they follow what's been around them.

Their friends are pretty good. Not MUCH trouble lol. When sons see something they don't like, at least they see it as a red flag - happy about that.

Oh Alexa is getting used to having a nice partner around her, slowly lol... she's struggled, repeatedly questioned, really been extreme with him... he's responded only with kindness, compassion and says things like "of course you feel this way after everything you've been through" and he loves her, clearly.

There's a lot of back story about him. He's a remarkable human being.
He's VERY nervous about meeting us all, esp the multiples lol.. they tried to research him online but he has ZERO social media.
I just have muscle jobs lined up for all the boys lol... when the nutty 'freedom day' (for SOME) occurs.

Love to you
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Lol Hey Blues, my fancee baking friends all here lol.... oat and chia seed wow... those sound yummy!

I've been MIA from my thread too lol... so much has happened as I explained above, well some of it!

I want to PRE apologise for the next X length of time when I'm in absentia.
I thought of you so much yesterday Blues... I have some MASSIVE financial decisions to make and just ugh! Potentially exciting but causing a knot in my stomach too.

Yeah P.son ISN'T going back South for that extra 2 weeks.
Happily our 2nd vaxes are happening in the first week he's supposed to be back and our Chiro needs to see him the 2nd week, 2 Drs certs should do it lol.

THEN he's down there for 3 weeks HSC exams and OUTTA there pronto! Can't wait.

FOO stuff yeah. Seeing mother AT my house when I was driving back home - wow... I left & cried at the waterfront... just so much invasion of my privacy.
That & Yvette & friend's child and family near miss of horrors, just shock over that, took me a week to assimilate! let alone tell it to my own family.
Financial stress and it's so weird...

Just realising how ALONE I feel. Like I'm not ready to be a Matriarch lol.. my Nana did a MUCH better job in some ways.... in others she stank bad lol... oh IDK.

I have BIG decisions to make.
So far my kids say "it's a no brainer mum - go for it" and yet there's all this, I guess, RESPONSIBILITY? and ummm yeah, lots of ASKING FOR HELP - not good at that lol.

Can I share this financial stuff with you? Ask your advice?
I'm pretty scared on one level but yeah IDK.

Mama's Cubby hasn't had much attention and after yesterday, stuff might get SHOVED back in there lol.
My b'room same... I moved my focus to deep cleaning common areas. MAINLY bec visitors are on the horizon lol, Alexa's BF and maybe his MUM... kids' friends etc.
Front Courtyard almost look "Home Beautiful" picture perfect. Needs daily upkeep! I'm about to go walking with my leaf blower and THREE batteries lol!

BF will Tutor me thru taking down and disconnecting TWO wall lights in my bedroom. Seal the electrical wires off, to maybe use them alot later and THEN move all my broken wardrobes over to that wall.
Then I'd like to put up a long curtain railing and hide all that behind curtains until...

So much to do Blues and I'm tired.
My muscles have grown so big from all the work, I bulge!

TONS of paperwork to do.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hello Sleepy my friend, thankyou for stopping in!

I've overworked myself but IDK how else to process my thoughts. If I stop working hard, I cry, so better to work hard lol... I've cried SO much the past week. It's been so hard and horrible.

You know that song that has the line " a break in the weather"?
Well in SOME ways that's happened I pray.

Kids have had to be driven MILES away to other work places as theirs is being renovated, hope it's back open SOON!!! Hours extra driving per day and doing that too is hard, sometimes triggering leaving them in areas where demon et al is more present.
Praying they remain invisible to demon.

Omg my Courtyard Sleepy lol. Who would've thought that FREE plants being loved and nurtured could make this area look so STUNNING!??
I have YEARS of work left but wow this area is beautiful lol.
All the kids keep saying "Wow mum this is BEAUTIFUL!" took years.
ZERO lantana there now lol.

Oh I'm HEARING you about the Alexa / new BF fiasco lol.
The poor guy lol, ALL of us are like doing regular "mind drills" on him.
And he passes with flying colours EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Maybe just MAY BE there is another person we can meet IRL that is like us Sleepy?
BF is sweet, SO kind and compassionate the vat majority of the time. 6 years of observation lol.

Same as it seems is this guy. 2 years of Alexa's observation so far lol... she passed that 2y threshold of observation that I've communicated with EVERYONE I KNOW lol.
Then coffee and talks and dog walking for months as friends.

He's helped me too lol, researching a new loan company I'm talking with. He's done a Business Degree but "only" one year of Accountancy lol that'll do me!

They TALK and communicate so openly with each other. Big plus there.

Today I'm making my BF's Italian mother's pizza dough recipe - fancee lol! It can sit overnight for dinner tomorrow night. Sang Choy Bow tonight.
Had to make the financial decision to 100% AVOID take aways except for birthday dinners, so I've been making all sorts.

I'm off for my leaf blower walk and some massive weeding up the front near the road. Perhaps some whipper snippering. Yep I'll leaf blow the road too lol.

Maybe there's a House Inspection happening soon, so all this cleaning, organising, tidying must've been intuitive. Tomorrow ALL the Return and Earn stuff will be cashed in - YAY!

Have a wonderful day
LOVE EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM & everyone,

The oat & chia biscuits are great, and really quick and easy to make.

It's certainly understandable why you haven't been online, much. A lot to assimilate by the sounds of it. Don't worry about long absences, you can do what you can do, and you can't do what you can't do.

I'm sorry you've been struggling with depression, boy do I know what that's like. So exhausting and it undermines everything you try to do. Big hugs for you (I'm getting better at it, haha).

I understand your youngest being scared about coming out, too. No need to take it out on you, though, that was unfair. I hope your talk helped get you guys back on track, and eased some of her fears.

I don't know what happened to your friend, but here to listen if you want to talk about it, and to just sit with you if you don't.

Potentially exciting financial decision, you say? Yup, those can be scary. Of course you can share, and ask my advice, either here or on my money thread. Happy to help, if I can.

I know that feeling of being alone with big decisions and working through stresses. I've no (human) children, but I'm certainly the big decision-maker and bearer of responsibilities in my family unit (siblings, partner, etc. - though LM is stepping up to the plate as time goes on, he's younger than me and still finding his feet). It's a bit of an "Oh crap!" moment when you realise you're the responsible one everyone looks to!

Great that prodigal son has some back-up (medical certificates) if he's pushed about those two weeks of study. A solid nope to going back unnecessarily.

Geez, your mum at your house? Not cool. I guess at least you saw and didn't get caught unawares answering the door, that would have been worse.

A lot of work to do around the house, and not the work you wanted to do, that's tough. I'd get in there and help you if I could. Of course you're tired (and muscular!). I can relate - and I have the biceps to prove it!

Blarg at paperwork. Sir Pecks can help, assuming you want to go with "I couldn't do it, bird ate my paperwork". 😉 On a related note, Mr Feisty is standing beside my keyboard as I type. Huge progress, he's usually scared and flies away when I'm typing.

Blue.

PS Cheers for the cupcakes, Sleepy. Planning to make some cupcakes too, vegan choccie ones with coconut cream and sprinkles on top (you bet I own a piping bag for doing that cream). Sending some to you and everyone. 🙂

[ecomama]

Hey Blues

Yes, been through so much recently. I will pop up your Financial Thread and blurt out on there but I pretty much know now that I've made up my mind to go ahead.
I'll expand more over there. Thankyou hugs.

So if I went into much detail here about the traumatic event my friend's family went through, it'd be vetoed by Admin.

Tbh thinking about it makes me scared to my soul.

I'll call my friend Ally. Her daughter had been air lifted by helicopter to a major Children's hospital after a sports injury like ON the field, JUST before lock down. She was put into an induced coma, survived thankfully and left hospital in a wheelchair.
This is traumatic enough but it gets FAR worse.
She was bullied online as she was recovering from brain damage and unable to walk.
Ally toileted and showered her - everything.

When Ally found out her d was being bullied and threatened big time online, by her once long term best friend and that girls NEW friends in a major city, she drove over to see this girls mum.
Told her ALL what her d was doing etc.
The mum did nothing.

Ally went to the police but because her d had exited the "chat", there was no evidence.
Ally begged them to track these city kids down and intervene before someone got hurt by them.
Nothing police could do.

This same group did the most despicable and unthinkable to another young person. It's been on the news.

All offenders have been caught now.

It was after this I sank into a deep depression. I didn't even know that was the trigger. Losing my r/ship with Yvette scared me that these kinds of things could happen to her too.
She disclosed that serious threats HAD been made to her 18 months ago - I was shocked she hadn't told me! With Ally's situation and Yvette's disclosures I despaired.

After living with coercive control and DV for almost 2 decades, then overt DV when I tried to leave demon, I will NOT tolerate clear abuse any more.

Yvette exited the "chats" too, so there's no evidence but as she still "goes to school" with these abusers, Yvette didn't want me to pursue anything, rendering me feeling powerless to do ANY THING to protect my child at least.

Society has gone to hell. SO many young people are desperately and willingly trying to do the RIGHT thing and I see far more going the other way. Makes me so sad.

See you over there >>>> lol.
Love EMxxxx
PS: Thanks for excusing me.
PPS: Thankyou for the pomegranate Sleepy.