new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest9337]

Evening EM.

I was just watching "Canceling | ContraPoints" and she posited that todays cancel culture is a modern equivalent of the guillotine and as you had mentioned guillotine elsewhere, I thought of you. ContraPoints seems to be quite a smart talker.

Anyways, just popped in to say, have a good day. dng.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM (& all the other friends!),

My trick is to go to the page navigation bit, i.e. where it says "First", Prev" & all other page numbers - I right click on one of those (typically the previous page, in this case pg 59) and select "open link in new tab", then I go to the new tab. If you're responding to something on the same page you've started from (in this case pg 60), you can't open it twice, but can go back to page navigation, and left click on pg 60, you now have two tabs with the same page. Make your reply on one, scroll to what you're replying to on the other, and refer to it as needed. Hope that makes sense.

I've only looked briefly into Schemas, but I can certainly see patterns that relate to my experience, largely being in the Emotional Deprivation camp (surprise, surprise). I'll look into it more when I have time to breathe! Like you, I am finding lockdown extremely demanding work-wise. Funny how I'm classed as an "essential worker" but at the same time in a group that's fighting harder than ever to keep penalty rates and public holidays. Talk about double standards from this govt., I am disgusted. Anyway, I recognise how bloody hard you're working through this time and you're not the only one.

Sounds like an interesting time with your friend, L. I don't know anything of her triggers, but I sure understand yours. I won't be dictated to, either. "Watch me", you said. I'm with you, sister! I'd like to think I know most of the things that trigger me, as I'm sure you know most of yours by now, but I think there is useful information to be had from Schemas. Might clear up a few points. I admit I'm riding on the back of your research a little, you've pointed me in some really useful directions I hadn't thought of since we met, and it has been invaluable.

Interesting about the Abandonment schema. I'm still learning whether that fits me or not, I didn't quite have your experience with it. Interesting that you didn't feel abandoned, I guess you had (for some time) a lot of extended family to fill the gap your father left, that may have changed things for you. I'm keenly aware of how losing that later in life has hurt you. As for the whole insurance/homelessness debacle, you bet anyone would fear that!

You make a valid point re tax. I don't quite feel guilty. Wish my tax $ were better spent, though.

Interested to hear how you go with Alexa & cabin.

Kind thoughts, song from Puffballs. Outta words now!

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey dng, CUTE profile pic! lol. Hope you like mine! lol.

Someone mentions guillotine and you think of me?
Oh the power mwahaha.

Well thankyou for wishing me a lovely day!

I've been totally and utterly snowed under with work.

I get a tiny bit of breathing space aka "normal" lock down work hours for 2 days.
Then it'll ramp up big time again.
Forming up these programs sent my skill set sky high.... compared to many others I know I would honestly say 1 foot high lol but it's helping THOSE skills at least.

How are things over in your space?

Thanks for popping in.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Omg Blue THE MOON TONIGHT! It looks amazing wow.

Thanks for the Tech Guide on how you replies, I thought about it then went to just opening up a 2nd forum on a new tab and will flip back and forth. THANK YOU! I might get the confidence one day to do it your way!

I'm foggy after all the long hours. A headache coming on. I was up at work at 6am today, I went to sleep at 2am ugh. Everything was mucking up and one cleaner, Bless his cotton socks lol, was driving me mental wanting to talk about Covid and rallies and vaxes and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW... I said in so many kind ways then just said THAT. I am too focused on getting my work done, my kids fed, SOME SLEEP. Barely anything else. Not even any gardening! Things ARE serious lol.
I acknowledge your work too during this "boring" time for others!
Also it does stink about the pay fiasco grrr.

'Emotional Deprivation' - Blues, that's so sad. I want to reach right in and cuddle the baby Blue, then the toddler Blue and right through, so decades of hugs. I'm in 2 minds to say this so I'll go with the impulse to share something I learnt about 5y ago which SHOCKED me.
Hopefully you can talk with you Psych about it, but you can always share here my dear friend. I'm just "not qualified to help you".
What I learnt was that extreme neglect of children was considered the worst kind of child abuse.
I was gobsmacked!! What about the others omg so many... so I asked WHY?
They explained... the results of this form of abuse into adulthood manifests as the worse. Better worded by them of course.

And so it stands that you have achieved and managed far beyond the "trajectories" formed by research of these cohorts of ppl.
I have too, but why? I have NO IDEA. Vague theories but no REAL idea.
I wish there was more research into WHY the adults who did suffer extreme neglect and are engaging in the workforce, paying their bills, etc etc... What were the elements that made US have (or create) a different set of outcomes - struggle as we may at times.

One bit of research I read decades DOES explain part of mine and ago informed my parenting and practice in my work ever since. I can explain if you wish?

L - woah, big stuff there.

IDK about the Abandonment stuff... I'm going to ask my Counsellor this week if I remember lol.

No speak of my cabin offer with Alexa ... she can take her time.
I might go full eco, off the grid as much as possible with it, ya just neva know!
I WANT TO.

Songs to Puffballs! Too cute.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi beauties!

Ive done a bit of schema work at one point with a therapist... i got fitted into one schema... can't remember where it was... maybe neglect?
i took a quiz or something and sent it back to him, but we didnt do much with it afterwards.
I'm sorry for the abdonment feeling. no one deserves to feel tht way. I definitely have experienced abandonment a lot and tend to freak out about things ending.
I dont know much about schemas but wish I could understand it all, or understand anything clearly. There's so much I want to know and undersand about mh.

Last week i explained to my therapist what love bombing wsa... he was interested!!

hope u do get some rest EM, that sounds like a tiring night and the covnersation about lockdowns and rallies... i feel the same as u. I ignore a lot of it because my cup feels too full. Sending love to J, Blues nd lovely Em

[Jstar49]

Hey Em, Hi blues, sleepy and d’n’g and all the others reading along.... whew!

Em it sounds like my hopes that things would be a bit easier during LD were a bit misplaced....the challenges just don’t stop! Nice news on the p.son front tho- gotta love those smiles!

I have no clue about the programming stuff - you’re a smart cookie!

On your qu re: surviving and thriving despite neglect- perhaps it’s as with other traumas, in that a persons mindset makes all the difference. I guess protective factors, like family members/ school teachers etc who provide inspiration or direction, love, affection validation....

I have been struck recently by how many successful women mention a strong father role model. Well thats a bit depressing for me, but I can certainly name an aunt who gave so much love and attention ( I still remember the special eye contact she gave me) which provided some antidote to the feelings of worthlessness generated by my parents.
You know all this stuff anyway Em. I feel certain your deep understanding re human nature, your compassion, as well as the strong boundaries you’ve had to develop would play a huge part in your thriving despite the odds.

LOVE the idea of the off grid cabin! Totally! I also just think it’s sensible to be as independent of the mainstream supplies- food, electric, water etc as possible in any times, let alone these ‘ unprecedented’ times ....I’d totally love a composting toilet:)

love

J*

[Guest9337]

ecomama said:

They explained... the results of this form of abuse into adulthood manifests as the worse. Better worded by them of course.

And so it stands that you have achieved and managed far beyond the "trajectories" formed by research of these cohorts of ppl.
I have too, but why? I have NO IDEA. Vague theories but no REAL idea.
I wish there was more research into WHY the adults who did suffer extreme neglect and are engaging in the workforce, paying their bills, etc etc... What were the elements that made US have (or create) a different set of outcomes - struggle as we may at times.

One bit of research I read decades DOES explain part of mine and ago informed my parenting and practice in my work ever since. I can explain if you wish?

Hi ecomama! I hope everyone is ok with me joining into this part of the discussion.

I too am keenly interested in understanding how some people get ahead and others do not.

One interesting recent idea that has some research weight behind it is "luck". I crap u not. Pure simple luck.

Getting rich is largely about luck – shame the wealthy don't want to hear it

So i suppose that one can get lucky about wealth creation, yet be highly unlucky in DV situation for example. The two things not necessarily related at all!

Some will want to think, well I suffered a lot, so that made me tough and thats how I got ahead. Or similar, as if the response to the suffering is itself worthy and leads to wealth creation. mmm, meh, probably not, someone just got lucky and tough.

Good luck my friend, love dng.

[ecomama]

Lol hey Sleepy!

I love how you got to explain what "love bombing" was to your therapist omg!
Go YOU! hahaha.

You know that's only one of the many techniques abusive people do to their intended victims?
Gaslighting as a TERM is clear to most therapists - I would hope and Pray - BUT they do not necessarily SEE when gaslighting is occurring in a relationship!
Much less be able to see another part of abusers M.O.s that are less known.

So if they don't know what these things ARE by definition only, how on earth could they ever IDENTIFY them manifesting in r/ships....
Answer is they don't. Or can't.

I'm "taking the night off work" I hope.
Logged OUT of my work stuff for the first time in 3 weeks!
Nuts.

Schemas - SO MUCH to be learnt about them!!
A psych friend I am no longer in contact with, told me a LONG time ago that schemas were the windows to how we see the world. (That's MASSIVE!).
Also that they're formed and, from my understanding, pretty much cemented into our psyche by the ages 3-7yo.
Research may have updated this IDK.
So my take away from this is that all that's left is for us to understand them, if we choose.

Usually there are more than ONE schema per person.
Several or many.

My work now is to understand how NOW they may be operating in my emotional responses to situations that occur, mostly in my family. Just for me though.

I was physically abandoned but never felt "abandonment", ever!
Not sure why lol.
I need to talk to my C about it all tomorrow. And psych friend over time.

A psych I had decades ago did some type of assessment with me, TONS of questions.
Then she scored as a % how my answers panned out.
Enmeshment was my highest scoring one.... it could have been the results of my schemas or the schemas themselves... IDK.

When I read online about enmeshment only last year, tbh it was pretty terrifying for me.

Oh I ignore everything about any news.
Just not interested.
I cannot stand the emotive language ppl are using, like they want to stir the same emotions up in another person.

The only thing I was interested in learning more about was our Deputy Premier and all the unbelievable shenanigans HE's been up to.
Gladdy needs to act fast, if she's able to.

Gotta cook dinner, I'm so tired.
Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi EM! hi dng, blues, jstar and all reading along 🙂

EM i agree with u about the emotive language in the media, it gets me everytime. Words can trigger so much. I had a zoom call today which was very triggering - i hate them, hate looking at myself, hate being in that situation. I've had a lot of trauma lately overflowing, so im just taking it easy. Using tv like a friend, funny shows to keep my moods up. Latest is Schitt's creek which i know you love!

how is p.son going, are u guys okay over the lockdowns?
I haven't heard of the diff schemas but i would agree and accept that they are set young. That's where i was stuck - once you find out what ur schema is, what do u do with it? KNowledge is power I guess. I know in the quiz I took to find out which schema I fitted into, I was very very impressed by the statements I was asked to respond to - some of them articulated thoughts and feelings I couldn't even articulate to myself. So from that I thought, hmmm maybe there is something to this, although I didn't look into it much furhter.

My psych was so excited about the concept of lovebombing lol he always likes to learn from me, which is nice. But not so nice that he doesn't know what it is, I guess, but they may use diff words, like idealisation and devaluation or something....how can they spot this stuff if they don't know it? So true. sending love xx

[ecomama]

hey J*

Oh darn, my entire post to you vanished because I forgot my work laptop has a touch screen, ugh!
Yah my tech skills are..... polished lol!

Yes I'm shocked at my workload this time around during LD. It pretty much sucks lol. But fortunately I LOVE my job!
I am so grateful the feedback from families was immediate... from tears of frustration last week to outpourings of gratitude to my bosses about me lol.
Don't want any more notoriety thank you... too much attention attracts more work which is JUST what's happened.

My weekends will be completely taken up with work, till LD is lifted.

Yes what you said about the ppl around the child in abusive situations is similar to that study I read decades ago.
It was more to do with having a constant "significant" person in the child's life who shared their TIME, hobbies and skills with the child.
They measured the "success" of the child as an adult by their self admission of their own happiness level + stability of work, family life and housing.

I definitely had significant family who I know for sure loved me to bits.
Whenever they could (when mother could be coerced) I would be allowed to stay for short and long periods at my extended family's homes.
They ALWAYS pretended that they "needed" me to help them with this or that.
In hindsight I know they just made up that as an excuse, so my mother would approve of the stay.
During some periods I would stay in that house then another then another for ages.
I'd miss my brother terribly and would have to go home.

I doubt I "thrived" so much during adulthood. More tried really hard, sought information and skills to better my life, tumbled down hard in partner type r/ships because my "picker" was well off! Lol!
Wash rinse repeat.

I'd thrive with a composting loo though lol!
100%!
No one would LIVE in my eco hut but me!

I am SO constructing a composting loo in the back yard tho lol. Lots of my friends have them, I know the rules lol. Not by the regulations but even safer than those. All good.

The off the grid, tiny home, sustainable living channels of YouTube are the BEST!
Love those.

How have YOU been J*??
I Pray when you're away from the forums for any time, you are happy, safe and VERY very well!

Love EMxxxx