new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

I venture back for a "break" after working from 1am till 4am, maybe I'm entitled to one lol!

Hey dng!

Yes twins and more... the fun of it.
My friend who is a Dr of many things and prides herself on mastering MANY skills, was bamboozled for years over my boys, it drove her NUTS! Hahaha...
One day she sat her 4yo down who had NO problems telling them all apart ... like ever!
Her daughter, whilst using her hands denoting SECTIONS and bodies, said "well mum, P.SON is p.son.... MITCHELL is Mitchell... " and went on with each of them.
THAT was the explanation of how she told them apart.
Not quite as helpful as my Dr thought she'd be.
Young kids can seem to tell naturally.

We actually used different coloured nail polish on the big toe of each baby when we brought them home.
I had issues telling them apart when they had booties on!

In Year 6 they finally decided to "fool the teachers" and kept that up quite a bit over the years.
Even then ones who'd known them since BIRTH were tricked, mischievous children lol.

Sad to read about the frustration of your W in her attempt to gain employment in her chosen field.
My saying was "Even greenies need to feed their children", when I was asked to TONS of UNpaid work in Eco areas whilst the person asking that of me was paid a bucket lol.
I ended up being offered a few Green Jobs and did them for a while.... through our Local Council, Grants received by Community Gardens for engagement & educational programs in the Gardens... each job took at least one day's prep (or months of prep) on no pay, one day's work was paid less than half of what I can earn now.

I had to feed my children!
Clothing and HOUSING them helps too lol!!

I made the perfect decision, with Prayer, after paining over it.
What was to come in the future, no one would ever have predicted.

Thank GOD I had this job!
I'm not in a stable financial position at all BUT my income suffices for the moment.
Blue's Clues began a Finances Thread, so she's part of my Brains Trust where this kind of advice is needed.
My Uncle is wonderful.

No matter who says what, I know the consequences of my decisions are mine to shoulder, kind of alone.
Making bad decisions right now is not an option.
My children would suffer more harm than already's been done by demon.

Onwards and UPwards!
EMxxxx

[Guest9337]

Ah ecomama, I move again from weeping to laughter with Onwards and Upwards!

I have rightened much wrongness tonight in my writings.

[ecomama]

Hey Blue! IDK how to do that split screen thing you do, so I'll do my best to address your post lol!!

Investigating Schemas is a wonderfully telling endeavour!
I was gobsmacked at how SPOT on the research I did was, during the confusing time of trying to "work out demon"... ofcourse the info on psychopathic narcs nailed it.

I had a book I used that had headings of each schema, you could tick it and kind of score each schema, then had scenarios of how it presents in adulthood - no doubt demon took and destroyed it.
It was amazing.

Apparently I triggered my friend Ls schemas the other night.
My Psych friend told me afterwards that not only can schemas be triggered, most of us have no idea WHY we get upset at things others may say or do.
Also that they can form part of our IDENTITY.
Ls identity was challenged by my reaction to things she TOLD me to do.
Well TELLING ME TO DO anything triggers mine! Hahaha.... but I was kind & calm in my words, she's "tender" and I know why & don't blame her.
But I will not be dictated to! She could've chosen lower modality words than YOU HAVE TO and YOU ARE and YOU'LL NEVER be able to ....
ummm watch me lol. That's the gauntlet right there.

Infidelity, well young Blue we will be talking about the ramifications on us for a long while yet.
Abandonment is a schema that may be triggered by this act with us being the victim.
I never FELT abandoned... but no psych knows why I say this.
Infidelity of my father to my mother CERTAINLY had far reaching effects on our entire lives, like forever.
Long story but I'm pretty sure losing our house to fire soon after he left, cashing in the Insurance without telling my mother ... leaving us literally homeless (we lived in a dirt floor shed for years with no running water or toilet etc).
THAT creates fear in me... some thing is triggered.
But in reality, that would create fear in anyone!

NEVER feel guilty about getting a GREAT TAX RETURN! There I'm telling you!
Socialist? SNAP!
The more INDEPENDENT any person is of leaning on the Govt, it helps and that's great!
I'm very proud of our Govt for the welfare system!
I want ALL people supported!
Our teeny tiny tax returns, comparing to the zillions Govt has to spend, supports US so we may rely less on the Govt. GO YOU!

Cabin? Doubt I can borrow more. Alexa is thinking about it now, we'll see! Setting clear boundaries is both our major concerns.

Not enough words left to explore more
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Sleepy21 said:

hi Em, thats beautiful to read about ur username and ur essence...

Aww high five Sleeps! hahaha. 21 hey... what an age that was.

i find this place pretty amazing at times.

Me too deary, during all 24 hours of one's day at night at times too!

I'm sorry the meal didnt work out, I can totally relate, not having the right ingredients but giving it a good go! I've been cooking delicious asparagus x

TOTAL disaster. It's in the fridge atm, no time to dismantle the meat from the bones for the dogs yet.
Asparagus YUM!
I have a great recipe... just prep the asparagus, halve some cherry tomatoes, put some pitted black olives on the pile, splash in oil and BAKE. Add pine nuts or slivered almonds if you're inclined.
That's our favourite.

I'm glad to read your lockdown is manageable for u guys and at a time where you can sit with it. A lot of ppl quite enjoy the lockdowns. I think living alone is really rough durng this time, but I dont know if living with ppl I didn't trust would perhaps be worse... those are the two ooptions sometimes. Hope the pimple popping vids are going good.... youtube is my best friend during lockdown. I watch old clips from The Office. Holds my attention span long enough!! sending love to everyone here. thank u for the way you guys inlcude and welcome ppl on this thread, and for keeping it safe and bubbly.

I spoke TOO SOON, it's gone nuts now.
Far too much work coming in like a tsunami, with DEADLINES too.

YES Sleepy living with ppl you didn't trust would be worse.
Being safe and FEELING safe is so important for our MH!
It's enough of a trigger for your wellbeing to have Miss Noise Controller putting letters under everyone's doors ugh!

I could SWIM in the pimple popping vids atm! So relaxing!
I don't have the mental capacity to watch shows I've already watched atm.
My mind is duelling with the stuff I have to do for work and what's right in front of me.

The lock down here got tighter on Monday, much more than it got last year here.
I see it may only get tighter and so many of the families I work with are feeling extremely pressured.
Exec at work can't manage the calls they're getting, so they're asking me to communicate with Case Workers and all sorts of other support networks. I do this normally but as the pressure increases, so do the calls.

Hopefully I can help ease some pressure in some areas. Fine line though.

Back to work lol...

Take care!
Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hi Em, argghh these lockdowns, a lot of pressure ur rght for vulnerable ppl and i hope ur clients get through and that the government and social services are supporting everyone

I got a nice lil pack from a welfare org, lots of rice and tuna and nourishing staples to get through this time. Yummm didn't think of adding black olives to the asparagus... delish!!!

i love olives!!

my friend contactd me to tonight so we were chtting away which was really nice, mostly about movies and stuff, she loves anime, and recommended a few to me, like Spirited Away. I'm open to anything different from my usual, to distrct and take away. Like u mentioned not having headspace for things u've already watched, i can so relate. I need things totally different to just keep me stimulated and not "stale" during these weird times.

I like wtching foreign movies and ones about scenarios totally different to my own (literal) bubble im in atm with lockdowns!!!

Hope everyone is holding up and staying safe. I want everyone to be safe soon so we can all get back to what we need, but til then, hope ur lockdowns are okay and manageable. I'm doing ok this one, much better than last time. There's probably a breaking point where i'll start shower-crying agin, but til then i'm okay xo

[Guest_1643]

hi em, hope u do geet some sleep tonight after ur 1am-4am challenge last night, (hey, kids and animals need attention!!)

sorry everything is so hectic, sending support for ur swimming skills to wade through the rivers of it

i went shopping late night tonight (my preferred time, quiet, no triggers) and hope to goodness i dont get another note tomorrow.... awful.

[ecomama]

YAY Sleepy, I love hearing you're okay! YAY!

BLACK OLIVES SNAP!
Who woulda thought they'd go well together?
Not me lol.

On the asparagus trail, the BEST recipe I've ever had asparagus with is the following, yep another surprising but mouth watering way to eat it....
FRESH sliced bread - crusts cut off and fed to the chickens lol.
Fresh asparagus
Horse radish
Cream (can't remember if it's sour cream or regular cream... maybe add salt to fresh and go from there).
Anyway blanche the asparagus in hot boiling water, not for too long!
Drain whilst hot.
Spread the mix of horse radish and cream onto a slice of bread and wrap it up and eat it fast.

I could have an entire meal of that. Superb.

How nice you got a hamper delivered!
Makes you feel so warm and cared for doesn't it?
Happy days!

You absolutely deserve it Sleeps darling girl!
Are you allowed to walk to the Community Garden and pick some greens etc?

The Seventh Day Adventist Church were the only group delivering free food hampers here, during lock down, as far as I know.
Eating healthy nourishing food is part of their Churches' beliefs, so the food was AWESOME!
And so much of it - amazing.

They also had a "drive thru pick up" service operating one day a week throughout the entire lock down last year. Not sure of this year.
I just drove up and told them how many ppl in my home, just so they can gauge how much food for one week, then they say "stay in your car and pop your boot".
They often gave us all bread for our freezers too which was very helpful.
They put it all in your boot for you.
Brilliant.

I know they have a Covid testing tent in their car park now!

Glad you're doing much better this LD, us too.
I haven't taken leave from work. Quite the opposite in fact lol.
I'm doing more home cooking. Last year I threw in the towel and got take away most nights to support businesses and COPE myself!

I'm almost keeping up with the house work lol. SO MUCH MORE when everyone's at home.
Some days we run the dishwasher 3 times lol. So it's a lot. The washing machine and drier is running almost 24/7 with all the work uniforms AND home clothes too.

Yes I hope to involve as many Services as I can. It's tough tho not knowing what they can offer and how often things change for them AND us.
There was a lot of reporting to Police in the first 6 months this year. Very sad and VERY bewildering at times.
You'd think I'd be used to it by now. I'm not.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: the dichotomy of life atm.

JUST like last year's lock down (LD) we can see the very best of ppl AND the very worst of others in the same time frame.

I choose best lol.

So many dichotomies happening.
I'm overloaded with work AND my technology skills have been pushed to my level of SKY HIGH lol.
It's the only way I'll get the work done and other staff members are happy to Zoom and show me, just so they don't have to do it themselves lol!

Schools are more or less shut which is very stressful for some BUT for us we are so happy all the kids can learn from home. Esp this year bec it means p.son can LIVE AT HOME and he needs it, even more than me and the kids.
Sure we were a Home Schooling family a long time ago. The kids learnt collaborative skills and seldom argue which is AWESOME! They simply negotiate and work things out. I can't remember the last time I heard a crossed word. NOICE!

Our neighbour's home sold for over $1 million and we are gobsmacked!
A 2 bed fibro on less land than ours.
The property prices was terrifying the kids, thinking they were locked out of the market but NOW they're getting their heads around my words previously - to form a Syndicate together.
AND it means I have a lot more equity in my home. Doubt I can BORROW any of it lol! But if houses keep selling at these prices, the Bank may think again.

My neighbours bought their house for pounds and pence over 70y ago.
They were living hand to mouth and NOW can live like King and Queen for their real retirement in Qld.
I'm so happy for them. Still miss them though.

Alexa's still pondering my offer of going halves in building the cabin then living there on 1/3 rent, until....
Less rent will help her capacity to borrow also, didn't think of that before.

SO I'm saving for a new fence! Hahaha. It'll be nice being able to safely let the dogs roam in the back garden. Atm we have to watch them like hawks, little rascals, they escape in a second through the missing palings.

Off to get some sleep.
Work for 4 days in a row from tomorrow, so much for the one day on site per fortnight.

Keep safe everyone!
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update again: managing work.

Too much to do, so I'm having a break. I need to eat, so I'll have leftovers tonight because for the FIRST time in forever, I'm the only human at home!
ALL the kids are working - yep same ole LD caper.
P.son is travelling back down South for work as we speak & coming home tomorrow!

HIS school is doing Zoom lessons for every single lesson, as per their normal timetable!
Filming the Zooms in case kids miss the lesson, so they can watch it later.
School is pretty real for him.

The others have it easier. Just the learning programs to do.

I have more than 3 bits of great news!
1. Yvette is rapt the school phoned to negotiate with her how to do her Prelim exams so she can cope better with the conditions. They asked her WHERE she'd like to do her exams, wow. Nice!
Also she's made a nice friend, a new girl and they plan on going bowling when LD is lifted. Doubly nice!

2. Recently promoted son has been offered the NEXT level training to become Assistant Manager by Dec and he is blown away! So excited. He came home on top of the world last night. So happy for him.

3. P.son's HSC Trials ARE pushed back yay! Now he gets to spend even MORE time living here with us and we're so grateful!
He's finally beginning to smile again. His face is more relaxed and he's talking more to us about anything that worries him, which is wonderful.

Me on the other hand - ummm ooh, it's tough.
I've had to learn ALL sorts of skills to convert Program Content that would normally be facilitated by staff members, into Core information that the participants need to learn, online now.
IT'S HARD!
6 programs need to be finished by Monday to be distributed to all the participants.

And all those websites that say FREE really aren't lol. Not at all. So IDK, nothing else to do but forge on.

Then I have my "other" work that everyone else is doing too atm but I have no time to do.
Luckily I completed all the compulsory stuff last week!
Others are late submitting them, hmmm lol.

So I had to go to Officeworks and Spotlight was shut! I need stuff from there too.
I have to make up "Packs" in case ppl don't have the materials at home, gee that'll be FUN!

AND I'm working on site all day Monday.

This has become complicated.

Drives me nuts some staff members told me they're "bored" grrr.

Better get on, eat first maybe!

EMxxxx

[Guest9337]

Morning EM.

I just had a little giggle to my self upon a reflective thought. I am just a wittle baby and I want to say ecomama, but it comes out as economummy.

love dng.