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[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dearest Blue

Thankyou. Thankyou J* too! I forgot to thank you!
Funny you mention that era of being pressured to marry young and start a family.
I am of that generation!
Engaged at 18 and married at 20. I was given the option by my mother "marry or be cut off from the family".
So I married.

I didn't have any children in that marriage. Not till my late 20s.

My mother was told not to ever have children by MH professionals - long story.

My garden is a haven for me.
Sadly I watched the neighbour's children who are in their 60s and 70s empty out my neighbour's home this week. They moved their parents up to Qld so I will never see them again.
Selfish I know. I'll miss them.

Alexa's pup - well we had another close call this week. We thought she was dying. Not eating or drinking for 3 days.
NOW we think it was the water quality that made both Alexa and her pup extremely ill.
The grandkid's school was closed with no water hmmmm.

I needed to go there 3 nights to help Alexa with the kids each night as she's been so ill, had work and Uni assignments too. Pup bounced back! I'm minding her tomorrow for the girls to go to Sydney together. We just can't leave her alone still. She's so precious to us all and gorgeous. She slept in my bed last time lol.

Well hello! P.son's ex GF is on her 2nd BF since him now! Catch up Aunty Blue! Omg I can't even keep up tbh. Son is just watching & shaking his head. Train wreck.
She and her new BF were in a car accident last night.
If you knew what goes on down there, you wouldn't be surprised. I'm not. It's nuts.

P.son is going through alot. I really think he'll need a lot of MH support when he gets home. He'll have about 5 months before Uni starts to pull things together for himself once he moves home.
His grades are awesome because he has nothing else to do but study. I've sent him so much money but I don't care. Centrelink are withholding payments atm until my Taxes are in and may withhold them altogether after it lol.
Whatevs, we need to do whatever it takes.
He's getting around a 97% average so he'll have marks to spare for Accountancy!
I asked if he wanted to be a surgeon lol. Just joking.

Omg Yvette is buoyed after my parent teacher interviews this week. She barely attends school and is coming near top of 3 subjects - what IS that?
The teachers love her, said the most amazing things about her, which I completely agree with lol. They're shocked she wants to leave school, but I'm fine with it.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1643]

hey EM 🙂

Thanks for all the updates

Hopefully ur son has no regrets about ending that relationship, and that family has less hold and stake over him... he sounds like once he's through this time he'll be set!

Your garden seems to be thriving and becoming something so meaningful, so special.

happy ur getting some rest, so important. how is alexa's course going? lol re her getting the professor to reassess. Good one. Is she enjoyin gher course?

[Jstar49]

Hi beautiful Em!

Far out, it’s all happening!

of course I will pray for your dear girl. Praying health for her and wisdom for the doctors.

Yep, it would be a gift for you to be so open to working thru whatever Alexa needs to work thru. I would feel the same way myself! Tbh I think my mum felt the same, initially, that she would do anything for our relationship. But perhaps she didn’t have the skills or insight, and our C didn’t have the skills. Anyway I don’t think she got a glimpse of what could be achieved. I think someone needs to be prepared to do the work for themselves first and foremost, then for the r/ship. Cos once you know how to handle those scary feelings, deep pain, hurt, betrayal etc, it’s not so scary.

Maybe not surprising your C sacked you and demon- from the little I know. Working with abusers is a very specialised field. I’ve heard of some men’s groups making progress tho.

H doesn’t want to go back to our marriage C’s. He feels like it’s too one sided. Yeah well he does have a bit to work on!

Feels ok atm tho- 2 Fridays w/no episodes. Feeling’ tranquil!
this too shall pass.

All the best for the coming week Em.
Love,

J*

[Paw Prints]

Hello Em,

Will be keeping my fingers & paws crossed for Alexa today for her appointment with the surgeon

Hugs to you both (only if ok)

Paws

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

You're welcome. 🙂 You have mentioned your mother's ultimatum re marriage. Not a great one, and one that didn't work out so well for you. I'm glad you eventually turned the tide on that and started making your own choices. My mum had said similar things about us getting married, but all that did was drive my sister away when she got pregnant unintentionally. No words were said about it, but Mum didn't make a fuss when I came to that age and got about my various relationships without putting a ring on it.

I'm not at all surprised your mother was advised not to have kids. Mine wasn't, but after having an ovarian cyst removed, was told she physically couldn't. Three kids later...

Sorry to hear about your neighbours moving. No need to chastise yourself for a thought you consider selfish, it's okay to miss them.

Another drama with pup, I'm sorry that happened. What is the deal with the water quality, have they been drinking tap water? Revolting stuff, but supposedly drinkable, it's really worrying that the quality has been the likely cause of Alexa and pup being so ill. How are they both doing now? Knowing to drink from a different water source is good going forward but I'm sure there's a lot more to undoing the damage that's already done.

Crumbs, I'm really not caught up. Two boyfriends since then. Ew. (I did smile at "Aunty Blue".) And a car accident? Nothing too serious, hopefully. I'm sure that drama won't be improving things for prodigal son in the household. I certainly don't doubt he'll need loads of support when he comes home. Nor do I doubt he will get it. It's a credit to him that his grades are holding up so well. Maybe an obsessive attention to school given the other crap going on around him? I guess at least it's serving him for the future. Possibly similar for Yvette - attendance isn't the thing, it's the focus on the work, on achieving results, that's getting them where they're going. Might just be some of their mum in them.

Not much more to say, just that I'm thinking of you. And that it's nice that I can hit the "a" key with my wonky little finger again without pain. It just feels a bit weird now, but I'm happy to be typing normally.

Blue.

[ecomama]

Hey Sleepy, thankyou. P.son was heartbroken for a long time, probably still is.
What his ex GF did and has done since is nothing short of DV.
The situation has dramatically worsened for him, I'm so sad about it all. So is he.
No Alexa is not quite enjoying her Course, mainly because she's been so ill.
Not sure if she'll defer next Semester due to surgery... waiting to see what she does.
Hasn't helped her pup has been so ill, she's much better now, even though far more fragile, darling girl. Hugs.

Dear J*, I'm glad to hear that things are more tranquil on the f word Friday night thang lol. I'm sorry to hear H cancelled Marriage Counselling - we both know it would have benefited your relationship if he was all in to do the work, but them's are the brakes! Hugs.

Thanks Paws, hugs are ALWAYS welcome - any- time!! I'll update next. It's been a long while since posting. Stuff is overwhelming here.
Huge hugs to you too.

Hey Aunty Blue lol, I'm relieved to hear the finger is healing. They are so sensitive, I've found they can take a long time to heal, some of my injuries haven't healed completelybut as long as they can work, I'm good. Hugs.

I have to write an update.
I knew things could get worse, they always can I guess, I get a strange eerie feeling about this time.
It's like I keep taking a memory snapshot of this time and pushing into all the positives I can find JUST so I have some lovely things to look back on.

Age does that.

I really appreciate everyone's messages of support, caring and love.
It can be so lonely battling with all the issues of supporting all my children alone.
Exhausting also.

Thankyou,
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: treading water.

I've been working monstrously hard, my whole body aches. My mind is weary from worry, so I've spent many moments of grounding. Keeping calm, soldiering on.

Alexa will go in for surgery once she's had 6 weeks on special internal medication which is hard for her to self administer. She's reduced work (ofcourse), so I'm supporting her financially too.
I help with the kids and pup alot.

When I can, I go to sleep VERY early, sometimes 6pm. I'm nursing depression.

P.son is in THE worst situation. He has photo evidence and I want him to get police involved.
The darling boy uses gentle words like "nagging" but it's thick verbal abuse too.
He's also been made to do heavy labour which is totally unfair.
Plus they've tripled his Board to live there.

This all came out 2 nights ago and we were both in tears over it.
In the last month his school work has suffered dramatically.
He's seeing the School Psychologist thankfully.

SO HE is moving out, Thank God.
This is scary on a whole new level but he MUST escape this abuse.
He's moving into a Uni Share house in a week's time.
Once he's in there, Yvette and I will travel down for 2 night's stay in a motel with him, buy all he needs and bring him home between work shifts, just for the school holidays.
He will truly be alone then, he's terrified but knows this has to happen, at minimum.

I'm listing, collecting & buying all I can here before we leave. He needs so much and has no driver's license yet, so I may have to go down there at least once a month to help him.
My friend L lives an hour away, she said I can stay there and she's on call (but also very ill so that's not really an option).

He will have opportunity to make new friends in this new place. I hope he does!
Ex GF has socially isolated him to the max at school. Even if he gets an invite somewhere, she makes sure he's UNinvited. This is hurting him so much.
First she isolated him from family, now all friends.

I'm calling the school tomorrow about alot of it.
I will make more calls to whomever I need to later.

He can only look at a month or a week at a time to get through. Getting to work from the new place will be hard, but not impossible like it is living where he is now. That family have made him give up shifts to mind the kids, won't pick him up bec he won't bring his car down for them to use etc. It's bad.

He organised a school bus pass, the stop is right near his new house.

Prayers are welcome.
Love EMxxxx

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Albeit not in the best of circumstances for you, it seems, I'm glad to see you. Have missed your presence around here. Yeah, fingers are notorious for taking forever to heal, Mum says hers still feels pretty weird and unpleasant, and she injured that some twenty years ago. Like you, I'm just glad it works like it should and the new nail is growing in. Not full coverage there yet.

Here's hoping the medication Alexa is taking pre-surgery will help her get through until then. She has a lot on, and being ill just makes it all unreasonably hard. I'm glad she's at least reducing her work hours, though I know this is adding to your financial stress, too.

Sorry to hear things just keep getting worse for prodigal son. It's more than understandable that he's struggling and his grades are suffering, there is a lot on his shoulders. I'm glad there is a psychologist for him to talk to (got to wonder about mandatory reporting on their part as far as DV goes...), and I'm extremely glad he's moving out very soon. Sure a share house will have its challenges, but the level of challenge should be dialled back somewhat for him. He'll be better off, and at least he knows you and Yvette will be coming soon to help him get set up.

I can hear your exhaustion and worry, and I understand. Sure I don't have a million kids to look out for, but I know what it's like trying to manage when you're the one running the show and don't really have anyone to fall back on when you can't do everything. It's hard, and not at all surprising that depression is back on the radar. I think I saw somewhere that you're talking to your counsellor regularly through this, and I'm thankful you're able to make that space for yourself. As usual, always here to listen and support you. Hugs to you, and a song from puffballs.

Blue.

[Emo]

Hi Ecomama,

Wow!!! You have so much on your plate that I'm very worried about your mental and physical health.

Please make sure you make time for yourself to get the care you need ie: counselling, pampering (getting your nails done). I love hearing what colour your nails are painted especially when they are sparkly!!

You are so incredibly strong being there for all of your family members. Your strength and courage is what keeps me going. Knowing what you are going through and how amazingly strong you are being gives me the strength to try to keep going in my own life.

You are absolutely in my prayers. I have been following your life through your posts and although I haven't replied to any of your posts for a long time I've still been sending you my care and concern and love.

Please make sure you focus on yourself as well as your family while you are going through all of this turmoil. If you don't stay well you won't be able to do the amazing job you do of looking after everyone else.

Sending you lots of prayers and positive thoughts. I hope things start to settle down for you shortly. You deserve a peaceful and fulfilling life.

Regards,

Emo.

[Guest_1643]

hi Em i hope for good news and good beginnings for P.son, and in my heart i believe he'll turn it all around in an amazing way. I am sorry for all you have had to observe and go through with him, very traumatic and toxic family and especially when u have seen those dynamics before, it can hit.

Sorry that ur daughter is having so much on her plate and struggling. Sending healing vibes her way.

I know u are tired and exhausted from it all. I hope u are okay.