new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dearest monkey,

What you say lady??? SIXTEEN kilograms?
That's a WHOLE little person you just lost in weight, omg how do you feel?

Magnificent feat monkey, that's truly incredible.
Congratulations!
Well done you!
AND I'm SO PROUD OF YOU!

Now you're scaring me, lol, talking about driving to the NT in a CAR. I'd be watching Survival Tips 24/7 for about 1000 years before that, no exaggeration! Hahaha.
I've flown over that great huge arid landscape a number of times and wow.... it's expansive!
Adventurous monkey, that's awesome.

Monkey you give me far more credit about my ability to set boundaries than is due tbh.
I'm learning and it's really hard.

The honest truth is that my Counsellor has been telling me for 3 years to tell Alexa she needs to offload to her own psych or Counsellor about me.
It veritably broke my heart to say it insistently last Sunday night. I sobbed my heart out telling her that.

The saddest thing is that it broke Alexa's heart too. My baby girl I adore.
She got so freaking angry with me.

From my side I know I couldn't survive the tsunami of "stuff" coming at me over and over for IDK how many years. The "trickling" has been going on for YEARS.
Tsunami on Sunday night.
I knew it would come.
My Counsellor had prepped me, but I would never be really "ready".

Inside it crushes me to know how full of things like hatred, resentment, anguish, anger Alexa feels towards me.
Forever I have said to my children, please don't expect me to be perfect, I'm just me. That's all.

I offered to go TO Alexa's psych when and if she wanted me to, so we could see her together and Alexa can learn how to offload and I can learn how to respond or whatever the psych thinks is a good idea for our relationship and Alexa's healing.

The analogy occurred to me.... why would ANY ONE think it's a good idea to put 2 people together to work through their shared past, one with diagnosed C-PTSD and her daughter who possibly also has C-PTSD?
SO many triggers would fly so rapidly that NOTHING could be solved, nothing healed only more damage done.

Anyway if I get to share some of the things she's already said with such forceful emotion, you would probably say WHAT???
The work I did out of LOVE was translated into me purposefully "having a go" at her and her ex, which was and has NEVER been the case. Never. I never even made snide comments or ANYTHING because I those thoughts never crossed my mind. Never.

It's hard.

Love you lots
EMxxxx

[Croix]

Dear EM~

It can be born best if the pent up feelings can be given as something being over. "I hated you because ..." not "I hate you becuse..."

Both your psychs should know about limits, and make sure they are stuck to by both persons. These come from seeing what you are doing to the other person.

Then I think consequences have to be always born in mind and an ability to see that one's firmly held view can be wrong. You did x for love, they saw x as intrusion, and so on.

Only then do two with CPTSD talk and be honestly together. It is realy a futile thing to just jam two people in a room and hope it all works out. Careful planning is the key.

I'm not sure a wave of anger is always cleansing or therapeutic, only sometimes. Seeing the other person and the effect you are having on them is how it should be, no matter how much you feel the hurt of the past. The very act of seeing this and despite your feelings 'help' the other peron is a powerful thing. Hopefully your daughter will get there.

So yes too soon and no holds barred can be heart-breaking. Your offer to go with her to her psych is a sensible next step. A list might help

Hang in there

Croix

[ecomama]

Dearest Croix

Thankyou. Yes your wise words make sense! As per usual lol.

I think I convey the demeanour of someone who would push in to a person's life and get in and organise???

This is not the case at all.
I've had to express to my children that I am open and willing to hear from them, listen and help in any way I can.
I will offer but they really need to ASK.

The only times I went to Alexa's home (with Shep) was when she asked me to, or I offered to when receiving a distressing call from her that she couldn't cope - usually after child birth.

I only visited ONCE "uninvited", it was when the Church nearby gave me 2 loaves of very expensive bread that I knew Alexa loved. She'd asked me to grab a loaf for them if I ever got 2.
I left one loaf wrapped up on their doorstep - as I was in their neighbourhood about 25 mins away from my home.

I have SO MUCH RESPECT for my children and my friends.
I express that I love and care for them.
They know I'm busy but they also know when the walls fall down around them, I'll drop everything to be there for them.
And I do.

We've been able to identify a few triggers, that each of us trigger in each other (mostly from each of our childhood schemas).
Alexa's include abandonment & rejection.
I need to be explicit about what my intention is when I speak of something that may trigger these in her.
Harming her is never my intention.
Never.

Btw I don't have a psych any more but I do have a Counsellor who is awesome.
I'm so grateful Alexa found a psych she's comfortable with (so far) on her first go!

I do believe that Alexa believes me when I say that we don't need any more damage moving forward from now, hence if she can tell me IF and when I'm being offensive in any way to her, to let me know at that point and I can make adjustments to whatever needs adjusting.

She did disclose something interesting that she's pondered ever since her appt, that she has a sense of entitlement over my time, focus and energy that's unreasonable. Not my words, her psych's.

A work in progress!

On a different note, BF has decided to make the trip out here asap after the borders are opened and his leave can be lined up.
That's really lovely and something very happy to look forward to too.

Lastly a special program I LOVE to do at work begins this week.
I have TWO groups to run this year.
It's about processing grief and loss, it's gentle & beautiful.

Talk soon!
Love EM

[Jstar49]

Hi Em,

it sounds like a lot of ‘undercover’ work is being done at present, both in the garden and with Alexa.
I could relate to your comments re counselling with her- maybe with a mediator? As I tried that with my mum.

I was hoping my C would help us both with our language, and id for us our issues, perhaps work on beginning to untangle knots. Ah well. Not quite! It wasn’t a complete waste of time, but I did realise that I needed to come at my r/ship with mum from a different angle. a bit more superficial actually!

Alwxa is very lucky she has you, always so willing to engage, even when saying no.
I can hear how it breaks your heart at times with her, reinforcing boundaries -well done there btw- and watching her suffer. It’s so beautiful that you share this so wholeheartedly with her.

Maybe we are often angry with our mums, precisely becos we are safest there. That is, when it is a safe place.
being angry with my dad just isn’t an option!

Today I made T put her own earrings back in. She hated me for it, or so she said, but I said I would prefer she hates me for a moment, and learns to do something she has to do for herself, rather than I keep doing it for her. My own small version of tough love!

cheers

J*

[Croix]

Dear EM~

"I think I convey the demeanour of someone who would push in to a person's life and get in and organise???"

No I don't think that at all, I think you have had so many adverse experiences yourself you are acutely aware of this trap and are more than respectful of your kids', and other's, independence. There is a big difference between being knowledgeable, available and willing to help, and barging in and taking over.

So no need to explain, it is a given.

Good news about your BF, having him present will be a whole new exploration after all this time.

Croix

[Guest_1643]

hi EM 🙂

i feel hopeful and happyr reading about alexa's sharing and also how she's travelling

she sounds very in tune with herself and the psych sounds caring... it is amazing to click with someone and have someone there through all moments of our lives... and i love that she can identify her triggers. in my opinion that's awesome.... they aren't so scary when they're just "there" - clear, in front of us.

Hope u've been okay and ur family is also doing well, and thinking of u and ur kids.

sounds like u've had a lot on but glad ur okay x

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Retreating to the garden sounds like the right thing to do, in times of stress. It's healing for you and helps you recharge. You need that, with so many demands on your time and energy.

Yeah, strange about the mothers. That generation, simply expected to marry and have children, but many just weren't ready for that extra pressure. As for partners, yes, we are lucky to have good ones. We've certainly had our share of rubbish ones. Glad BF is giving you some understanding about not being able to talk so often at the moment. I can imagine being tied up on the phone wouldn't be doing good things for your stress levels while you've got so much going on.

So it looks like Alexa has seen a psych she is (at least for now) happy enough with. I certainly agree she has too much on and needs to slow down a bit and deal with her stuff. Hard as it was to do, I'm glad you set boundaries with her. If she can offload the violence of the emotions she's feeling with a professional, she may be able to filter out all the anger she has for others and stop putting it on you, it isn't fair and isn't yours to deal with. You deserve some consideration in the midst of it all, you're a person not a punching bag.

Of course you could talk a lot about your garden. It is a place of positivity for you, seeing great changes that you need for your wellbeing. I'm glad you get to share it with lovely chickens, and that prodigal son helped you with the stumps and things too.

How is pup doing now? I gather the garden has been good for her, too. Seems like the place to be for everyone at the moment. I like the picture of the animals helping you do what you've set your mind on in there.

Good idea with using the planks for marking out things you want to do with the cabin. Not bad having a wood supply with Winter upon us, either. Sure is getting chilly now.

Sorry to hear prodigal son is struggling so much. I think I saw somewhere that his ex has another boyfriend already. Sure not wasting any time, and what a bloody awkward situation for him when it's bad enough already.

You're doing great with all that's going on, though you did mention trying to hold depressive feelings at bay. How are you holding up with that? Here to listen, even if it takes me a little while to reply at the moment.

Blue.

PS Hi all. Cheers for the shout outs, Golden & Sleepy.

[ecomama]

Dearest J*

I could feel the forums beckoning me and I've missed you all so much!

SO many of the plates came crashing down this week. WOAH what a week!
Alexa became extremely ill and what she's got going on is extremely serious with her physical health. I've seen her life flash before my eyes and horrible visions like that lately.

We've had a few brushes but we're getting through.

My darling girl is in pain on so many levels atm.

She has a psychologist now. Only had one appt but soon the sessions begin weekly.
It was this psych she will ask to "mediate" but more teach us each how to be able to share our 'deepest shame' as Alexa put it and be able to respond appropriately.
I'm sure the psych will meter out what is IN those sessions and what is OUT.

My Counsellor is not too happy about me offering this at all.
Perhaps Alexa's psych will professionally side with my Counsellor's views, IDK.
But giving this to Alexa has made the world of difference to our relationship.
She called it "A Gift" from me to her.
I'm so grateful for her.

Maybe sometimes our closest people mirror parts of ourselves we'd rather hide?
I know that's how it's been for me in the past anyhow.

Oftentimes, I've noticed, that in relationship Counselling it's only one of the duo that wants to take the help the distance. For whatever reasons (I'm guessing shame) the other person stops going.

I intend on being there for Alexa for as much or as little as she wants me to be.

Did I tell you that the Marriage Counsellor (a psychologist) actually "sacked" demon and I?
LOLOLOL!!! She DID!
You would never hazard to guess WHY. What a shocker that all was.

Alexa actually apologised for blurting all that stuff out... she has some extremely deep and highly skilled friends and her friend runs this amazing International NA Group. He told her to pull her head in lol. Then did an "Intervention" with her in the "Anonymous" Group way.
This worked wonders.

She sees a surgeon on Monday.
Your Prayers would be so welcome.

I've done so much tough love that now all my children (almost 100% of the time lol) are deeply respectful of me and each other.

It's a beautiful thing if our mothers are a safe haven.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dearest Croix

Thankyou.

I think I'm so much NOT a pushing in to my children's loves that they could border on feeling that I don't care!
But they know I do.
They only have to murmur a need and I try to work with them to get it.

Ofcourse they're all coming into adulthood now! And I've been preparing them for this time for just about all of their lives lol.

Omg the mess in that family that p.son is living with until he finishes Year 12 has necessitated some reporting to authorities in the past.
What a crazy bunch.

He just needs to stay safe for a few more months. He's got a calendar and is counting the days!

Yes indeed I've had my cup overflowing with an extremely controlling mother then same with husbands.
"Controlling" is not a person I'd like to be or be perceived as by my children.
I have enough on my plate managing my OWN life lol!

Love to you and Mrs C
EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Dearest Sleepy

Thankyou.
Yep! I've had far too much going on. Just too much and many things reflect this like the state of some areas of the house, my bedroom etc - ugh.

I have to finish my Tax Return TOMORROW, it was delayed with all the other stressors.

Alexa IS very attuned to things but it always helps to have other people's perspectives (besides mine for sure!). She's been able to identify more about herself lately.
Her psych sounds really lovely and they did get along well in the first session.
Immediately the psych applied for the 20 MHCP sessions for Alexa so it was THEN she realised "Yeah I must have alot going on" and she does.

She got her first lower than desired "Credit" on an assignment which she was able to push up to a Distinction as a few things were amiss in the Professor's feedback and he finally relented lol.
Seriously no one should argue with Alexa lol! I don't!

That helped put her back on track a tad with her Course.
She finished her last assignment tonight for this whole Semester!
2 months off now thank God.

She's in 2 minds about continuing which she constantly asks me for advice about and I just ask her questions and let her make up her own mind.... which keeps her in 2 minds!

She's managed to make firm boundaries with one client which has been good for her.
The next 3 were becoming problematic and disrespectful so she made boundaries with them too.
Coming to that decision is emotionally gut wrenching for her but none of this is worth her mental and physical health.

Tomorrow night she's taking Yvette to a major city an hour's drive away for authentic Ramen lol!
My 2 noodle babies lol.
Both girls are realising just how much they need to build on their relationship.

School hols soon and we've just about got ALL the kids and grandkids in on a trip to same city to visit a Museum, go to a Time Zone and get Ramen again lol.
I can't wait!

I think of you and everyone here every day.
I'll try to pop in on your thread and catch up!

Love EMxxxx