new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Hey Tay Tay, thankyou. You show so much compassion and understanding, thankyou. XXXX

Hey Croix, I have an American fiancee who has attempted to instil pride in me about myself and my achievements, he always says how proud of me he is.
My mother always said that pride is a sin - so there's a bit of a see-saw that happens between pridefulness and whether it's conceitedness... I only began saying "I'm proud of you" to my children and others since meeting my BF, he's made a tremendous difference to my life, cleansing all the crap out and laying down sweet, fine foundations or attempting to lol!.
He has strong family values also which is refreshing.

EVERYONE likes hearing that someone is proud of them.

Tbh I can't believe what I've achieved Croix!
When I reflect, I can't believe it.

My work is far from done, I'm well aware of this fact. Far too much is going on... I liken my life to those performers who spin plates on tall reeds, trying to keep every plate spinning and hoping none fall and smash to the ground.
Alexa is on the verge of medical prognoses and MH diagnosis - we already believe we know alot about those, Praying they're not worse, she's not coping very well atm for many reasons.

Keeping calm, remaining rational, bringing things down to know which steps to take next etc etc, it's complicated and sometimes very exhausting but I'm doing really well.
My garden is looking better all the time lol! It's like the more I have on, the more I escape into the garden at every opportunity lol.
XXXX

Hey Sleepy, p.son is pretty much being tortured but we only intuit this from snippets he says. He's a remarkable young man, drop dead gorgeous - so many people have asked him to do modelling, highly intelligent - he has about a 93% average in Year 12 but the struggle living down there and counting the days till he can move home to BEGIN all over again with friendships and work etc etc.... One Day at a Time.
I sent him $500 last night just so he could eat and have money to pay bills.
His work gave him no shifts for the next 2 weeks and it was closed for a month for renos before that.
He's spent too ling under that family's influence and it's VERY obvious that his trauma responses are still there and possibly getting worse, compared to my other children who appear to be healing slowly but surely.
We Pray he stays safe all the time, it's pretty nerve wracking tbh. XXXX

Thanks everyone, love you all lots,
EM

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey EM,

Sorry to hear you've had sick offspring and grandchildren, of course you wouldn't feel right being at work when they needed you. Totally understandable decision, if tricky financially. Considering LM and his health, I get it as well as anyone could. I wish you could get prodigal son out of that ugly situation he is in. But the months wear on, he doesn't have too long until he can come home for good.

How is pup doing? It's dismaying to hear this has happened after she allegedly already had this surgery. No doubt you and the family are doting on her now to help her recover.

I'm glad time in the garden and the joy of little chickens is giving you the grounding you need, and some peace. And they are laying eggs now, congratulations.

Your comments about pride hit home with me, too. My mother always said pride was a sin, too, though perhaps with less force than yours. Mum has allowed some flexibility into her views on that in more recent years, though still struggles to express pride. BF & LM are peas in a pod when it comes to trying to build us up, I am glad for both of us that we have that positive influence we need so much.

You're definitely like those performers who spin plates, it's a heck of a balancing act for you. I can't think of anyone who could do it better, though. I think I'd drop them all and fall on my butt in short order, haha.

Would love to hear about what you're up to in the garden and how it's taking shape. 🙂

Blue.

[Guest_1643]

hi EM

ur post was beautiful, honest and sensitive, i enjoyed reading it and seeing how you nurture others and grow

it's amazing that ur boyfriend has led to these ideas about pride in others. i relate to what ur saying about thinking of it as almost greedy or wrong.
Its huge what ur saying about calling that thought out. It is a deep one. What magical transformation.
I'm sending great hugs and love to u all and hoping also ur son is okay, he sounds like a great guy.
ur life and progress is beautifl to see and also the spinning circles aorund it showing others how to move through the muck and get to the golden and good bits 🙂

inspiring us all. I'm proud of u!

[golden82]

Hi EM - Hi All;

Just popped in to see how you are going, as not seen you about as much. You are certainly dealing with a lot (as usual) - Blue sums it up perfectly with her description of you juggling/spinning plates. I have it in my mind now lol. But if anyone can do it, you can EM. Lovely that you have some new chickens - the circle of life 🙂 Time in the garden is a good idea at anytime, but definitely a great idea for you now to find some peace. Take care EM xo

[Guest_1643]

hi EM -

thanks for sharing about ur son, and i hope he finds an easy way out of that difficult family, he sounds so strong and, like an inspiriing person, who others lean on and turn to. a gem.

i undestand that is stressful and am sure your prayers are bolsering him and also your consciousness about it.... not everyone knows how to pick trauma responses sadly. having someone like u who can see it so quickly - so good for him. I used to bolt when anyone came near me in a supermarket, had no idea why... was scared of strangers. I've been sitting in it myself seeing why. Being with strangers, particularly really young ppl and teens sometimes brings up a lot for me.... now i can sit with it in curiosity...

Hope u are okay and the roofing stuff is being sorted out quickly and efficiently!! bills really are stressful as J said. sending love to all - Blues, J, Chantelle, Tayla and Croix. Take care all

[ecomama]

Thankyou Blue, you're so kind. I think I'm retreating to the garden somewhat, to keep away from work stuff for a while and have the mental capacity to help the kids.

We are fortunate to have lovely partners, strange how our mothers are so similar in many ways... yours, mine, Sleepy's, no doubt others mothers too.

I haven't spoken with BF too much. He's been good about that.

Alexa has her specialist's appt this week.
She got a lower mark than she needs in one assignment and she's taken that as "a sign".
What she has on is FAR FAR too much. She booked her psych but the one she wanted is booked out! Here we go on the path of finding a good psych AGAIN.

I'll leave more of the psych talk I have for later... I'm getting pretty angry about something I've observed tbh.

MY GARDEN!!! lol Blue, I could talk forever about my garden!! Hahaha. My whole body ACHES from working so hard.
P.son only spent an hour with me yesterday and OMG he used an axe and some other tools to hack out 2 tree stumps and so many lantana and asparagus fern octopus root systems.
It was dark when he came inside for a teen party here last night lol.
I was in bed by 9pm and the kids and their friends are so gorgeous and respectful, I couldn't hear them downstairs.

I was asleep in bed with Alexa's pup and my cat! Heaven.
I've minded pup the last 2 days and she's spent the whole time in my garden and looks almost totally rejuvenated! Poodle has spot visited me and pup lol - he tries to be like pup but he's a poodle, can't change his nature haha.
Alexa had work and then TWO celebrations with friends I MADE her go to lol.

The most beautiful thing about working in my garden with intention is that nature and the animals seem to be working FOR me.
I think of one thing and visualise it, then the animals seem to help me DO that work.

My house is 2.5 stories high at the back.
I cleared a ledge against the house of (crap) planks, PVC pipe, metal pipes (grrr demon)... then the lemonade idea came.

I'm going to use rope to drag the planks to mark out the side path for the cabin AND the planned terraces I hope to have built one day after the cabin's built.

I've burnt SO MUCH timber in the chiminea, YAY! omg so happy.
I'm collecting smaller chunks for Alexa and her neighbour's wood supply for theirs lol.
Quite a few spiders, mmm but the chickens are right near me all the time and eat them before I see them lol.

It's "cleaner" now.
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Thankyou Sleepy, I'm PROUD OF YOU TOO!!!

What you've achieved to overcome so much is a momentous feat.
No one really understands unless they've been to "the edge", we have so I get it and am SO PROUD of you.

I'm watching YOU change and bloom! Open up carefully, slowly and safely.

One thing Yvette says when she's feeling triggered by someone else's words (even teachers at school trying to scare her about her grades) Yvette asks herself what I've said to my kids, "Will anyone die?" nah they won't, so I'm not gonna pay much attention to that.

P.son is one of the most beautiful souls on earth. Ex GF has ANOTHER BF now... the revolving door goes on! I said to p.son "You did well lasting over 2 years!", he just smiled and said "I really DID!"
She's chewing them up and spitting them out everywhere. P.son said "It's embarrassing for the whole family".
He caught a 3am train to get here yesterday morning, he's counting the days and will probably leave move home the night of his last exam lol!
Crikeys he took my advice on something.... and then got 97% and 98% on his last 2 assignments!

He wanted to be a Family Lawyer and help mothers and their children escaping DV but he would crack over and over.
We've spoken about it ALOT and now he's decided to become an Accountant because he LOVES maths lol... and train as a Forensic Accountant and THEN offer his services to women trying to track "stolen money" in their DV marriages (as we experienced).
He's gonna charge full price for rich ppl and work for really cheap for those mums.

NOW he's happy with his goal.
My dad's family was FULL of Accountants, it's in his genes lol.
Demon's family is FULL of criminals, we're suppressing those genes! Hahaha.

The great thing about p.son's experiences "down there" is that he's seeing bad ppl from a thousand paces. He's learning how to diplomatically placate the demands and calm their reactions. Wow. GREAT LEARNING!
We got a few more Ls hours in for him too.

ALL GOOD and getting there.

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey golden

Nice to see you! How are things going with you?

Sorry, I should've asked that of everyone, HOW ARE YOU EVERYONE?

I was still half asleep when I wrote to Blue and Sleepy ooops.
Disrupted night's sleep but still got lots of hours.

Yes it's alot that's going on here but I wonder if it will ever be any different really, probably not.

My gorgeous new baby chickens are the sweetest! hahaha pretty cheeky but in a sweet way.
They look happy and excited to see me, I always think my pets LOVE me but it's probably just "mama = food" lol. That's okay. Bit like my kids I think too!

I truly think there's a part missing in all the majority of discourse around overcoming depression.. some therapies are recognising it (like PTSD in the United States with training dogs to sense when their owner is triggering and they know how to comfort them).
It's about us caring for LIVING THINGS.

Pets and plants.

I will say that indoor plants are far fussier to look after in my opinion than my large garden.
Although this GORGEOUS succulent I impulse purchased lol is AMAZING and ever so PRETTY!
I love it. It's called "Calissa Repens" and so hardy and happy!
It has pretty delicate leaves and just puts up with anything including extremes of temperatures.

Well my chickens are wondering where mama is, so I better go feed them (I'm 3 hours late!). I had to wake one son for a "Management GAMES" competition happening this morning, then drive kids to work or an early start then face the horrid petrol prices and fill up my car's two tanks.

I'm going to start burning off in the chiminea asap lol. GETTING THERE.

Hope you're doing well.
Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Update: been so long not sure where to begin

Alexa's physical condition is worsening. I had to go back to work and I feel really bad leaving her to deal with that and her MH issues. Thank God she got in on a cancellation to see her psych for the first time. She had begun to pour out some pretty acidic stuff on me on Sunday night - I knew it was coming. She had trickled out a little here and there over my time off and I just sat with her. I didn't know what to do, I said sorry, cried and sat with her.

I can see 100% that she's bundled up all her anger from everyone else (father, father's family, step father, abusers etc) and is putting it onto me - being the only person she has left that she's angry with, but still in a relationship with.

As much as it hurt me, I had to tell her to unload to her psych.
The things she was noting with so much emotion seemed so little to me but they'd grown into huge mountains. There are far bigger things but wow.
I know I can't handle and help her process these things.

This is the worst of things. I hope.

P.son is not coping now.
I woke quite suddenly at 3am this morning.
I'm trying to get lots of sleep to keep depressive feelings in the wings, I'm listening to those feelings but acknowledging there's a lot to deal with.

After not being able to get back to sleep I found p.son had texted LOTS to me at 1am.
He can't come home this weekend and I can see by his words, he's desperate.
His MH is deteriorating. All we can do is "be here" for him.
I'll send a text later when he's awake. He has holidays coming up, I hope he can spend lots of time at home with us all here then.

One more day and the weekend.

Seriously, with all this intense stuff going on and so many things left "undone" like follow up medical appts for me, I went through alot of calculating wondering if I could stop or reduce work... ofcourse I can't lol - I was dreaming.

I can keep working and build up my Leave then take it when absolutely necessary.
Everyone in my family needs my financial support so there's no other option.

My garden looks better!
I did some "frustrated cleaning" working out my feelings, so the balcony looks a whole lot better too and some of the rooms are improved.

I hope everyone's doing okay?

Love EMxxxx

[monkey_magic]

Hi Em,

You are experiencing the fullness of life and all the emotions that go with it! With such awareness I might add.

You know what you can and can't handle and have personal boundaries in place. 👏 It's an excellent tool so that you can keep on experiencing life without losing sight of it.

I think a lot of mothers lose sight of their personal needs and boundaries and can no longer cope with their load.

You are working some magic, from an outsiders perspective and teaching your children that saying no is allowed! ( " I had to tell her to unload to her psych"). I think this is a healthy example, much better than the alternative.

I like that you can set those boundaries. We are human afterall not robots and can only give so much. And you are an exemplary giver.

I feel like I've climbed up a step in the ladder of life and am feeling good- clear.

I've overhauled my diet and have consistently lost weight for the past 5 months and as of today am down 16kgs. I didn't know if I was going to be able to do it because I used to feel quite clouded about things but it's done! And I've gained discipline and confidence in the process.

I'm still working at my job casually,and thinking about my next trip. I would love to do a road trip to the Northern Territory but prefer someone to do it with which I haven't found yet. I'm a little hesitant travelling on my own now ( safety in numbers). I'll see what happens.

Enjoy this day you beautiful person. ❣️